NEWS & COLUMNS

"You must now turn up to the duel if you have a man’s heart rather than a mare’s. And if anyone fails to turn up, then a scorn-pole will be raised against him with this curse–that he will be a coward in the eyes of all men, and will never again share the fellowship of good folk, and will endure the wrath of the gods, and bear the name of a truce-breaker."

With this their ways parted and each headed back to his homestead. News of this spread through the region. These duels were to take place at the same time as Thorstein was to hold a feast at Hof, as he did every autumn.

There was a woman named Helga; she came to Iceland with Berg and was his mistress. She was a large and imposing woman, gifted with foresight and prophecy, and wise in witches’ ways.

She said to Berg, "Things have turned out unhappily for you and your kinsmen in that you intend to try your luck against the sons of Ingimund. It must not go this way, because Thorstein is a proven man in both intelligence and luck, and it is rightly said of Jokul that no berserk is his equal anywhere in the Northern Quarter, and you are no match for him, powerful figure that you are; and whatever great disgrace you have already suffered at his hands, you will endure twice as much if you have any further dealings with him."

Berg replied, "Jokul has said so much that it has become intolerable for me."

Helga replied, "Even though you are so stupid that you cannot look after yourself, I will bring it about that this duel never takes place."

"Why shouldn’t you have the last word?" said Berg.

Finnbogi knew nothing of these plans.

And now, as to this year’s Readers’ Poll. Best fries? McDonald’s. Best coffee? Starbucks. Best political candidate? Mark Green. Best home furnishings? Crate & Barrel. Best New York Press writer? Knipfel. Best weekly magazine? Time Out New York. Etc.

Thank you, genius who thought the best reason to evict Bubba from Harlem was because "he scarfs all the fried chicken." Much obliged, the reader who noted of the renewed Harlem, "Heah come the crackers." Appreciate the tip, you esthetes who responded to "Best Jazz Venue" with the news that "Jazz is dead" and "Jazz is boring." Tip of the hat to the Buchananites who responded, "Fuck the French" to "Best French Bistro" and "Screw Jamaica" to "Best Jamaican Restaurant." Nice try, Universal Force Yoga, but as we warned you, ballot-stuffing is frowned upon.

Let the scorn-pole be erected.

Best Mayoral Candidate Mark Green

Best Dumb Move by a Local Political Candidate Mike Bloomberg Running for Mayor

Best Weekly Magazine Time Out New York

Best Silicon Alley Implosion Pseudo

Best Aggravating Local Campaign Commercial Bloomberg

Best Side Effect of Rev Al’s lncarceration (Besides Weight Loss) More Food for the Rest of Us

Best Times Columnist William Safire

Best Reason to Avoid New York Press MUGGER

Best Tabloid New York Post

Best Daily Newspaper The New York Times

Best New York Press Writer Jim Knipfel

Best New York Times Writer to Laugh At Maureen Dowd

Best New York Press Cartoonist Tony Millionaire

Best Media Columnist MUGGER

Best New York Post Columnist to Avoid All

Best Food Writer Andrey Slivka

Best Magazine to Avoid Talk

Best Sports Coverage New York Post

Best Gossip Column Michael Musto

Best Newsstand Hudson News

Best Bicycle Shop Toga Bike Shop

Best Used Clothes Salvation Army

Best Tobacconist Nat Sherman

Best Home Furnishings Crate & Barrel

Best Wine Shop Astor Wines &Spirits

Best Florist 1-800-flowers.com

Best Butcher Citarella

Best Gourmet Store Balducci’s

Best Boutique Patricia Field

Best Toy Store FAO Schwarz

Best Outdoor Gear Paragon

Best Guitar Store 30th Street Guitars

Best Children’s Clothes The Gap

Best Bookstore The Strand

Best Pharmacy Duane Reade

Best Hair Salon Bumble and Bumble

Best Men’s Clothes Barneys

Best Fishmonger Citarella

Best Makeup Counter MAC

Best Pedicure Sally’s

Best Lingerie Victoria’s Secret

Best Liquor Store Astor Wines & Spirits

Best Pot Brand Name All-Clad

Best Barber Astor Place Hairstylists

Best Record Store Virgin

Best Spa Bliss

Best Gym Crunch

Best Up-and-Coming Neighborhood Harlem

Best Neighborhood to Avoid Upper East Side

Best Subway Station Astor Place

Best Subway Station to Avoid Times Square

Best Reason to Laugh at Failed Dotcommers Arrogance

Best Outdoor Makeout Spot Central Park

Best Sports Announcer Marv Albert

Best New York Athlete Derek Jeter

Best Reason to Evict Bubba from Harlem None

Best Museum Metropolitan Museum of Art

Best Neighborhood Chelsea

Best Local Celebrity Ed Koch

Best Local Celeb Who Is Not Lizzie Grubman Monica Lewinsky

Best Reason to Leave New York High Rent

Best Reason to Stay in New York Art & Culture

Best Drug Ecstasy

Best Trend to Laugh At Big Baggy Pants on Guys

Best Reason to Outlaw Cellphones Cancer

Eats & Drinks

Best Manhattan Bar Old Town

Best Restaurant to Break Up In McDonald’s

Best Bar Jukebox West Side Tavern

Best Coffee Bar Starbucks

Best Steakhouse Peter Luger

Best Williamsburg Bar The Abbey

Best Rice & Beans Manhattan Hero

Best Hetero Pick-Up Scene O’Flaherty’s

Best Gay Pick-Up Scene Splash

Best Wine Bar Simone

Best Diner Empire Diner

Best Late-Night Restaurant Florent

Best Soul Food Sylvia’s

Best Seafood Restaurant Aquagrill

Best Roast Chicken Red Cat

Best Breakfast Big Nick’s

Best Vegetarian Restaurant Zen Palate

Best Ice Cream Ben & Jerry’s

Best Solo Dining Empire Diner

Best Mexican Restaurant Mexican Radio

Best French Bistro Pastis

Best Slice of Pizza Two Boots

Best Pizza Patsy’s

Best Cocktail Bar King Cole at St. Regis Hotel

Best French Fries McDonald’s

Best Kids’ Restaurant McDonald’s

Best Brunch 18th & 8th

Best Jamaican Restaurant Golden Crust

Best Irish Bar McFadden’s

Best Food Trend Bottled Water

Best Indian Restaurant Rupali

Best Dumplings Peking Duck House

Best First-Date Restaurant Knickerbocker Bar & Grill

Best Outdoor Dining Le Jardin Bistro

Best Sushi Monster Sushi

Best Italian Ices Gino’s Italian Ices

Best Margarita Mexican Radio

Best Greek Food Uncle Nick’s

Best Brooklyn Restaurant Oznot’s Dish

Best Bakery Veniero’s

Best Chinese Food VP 2

Best Restaurant for a Party Blue Ribbon Bakery

Best New Restaurant The Pod

Best Italian Restaurant Babbo

Entertainment

Best Movie Theater Ziegfeld

Best Local Cable Access Show Robin Byrd

Best Local Band The Lounge-O-Leers

Best Overhyped Local Band The Strokes

Best Club Night Saturday

Best Rock Club CBGB’s

Best Jazz Venue Village Vanguard

Best Outdoor Concert in 2001 NY Philharmonic in Central Park

Best Art Gallery Metropolitan Museum of Art

Best College Radio Station WFUV

Best Theater Performance Nathan Lane, The Producers

Best DJ Junior Vasquez

Best Performance Art Venue P.S. 122

Best Local Radio Talk-Show Host Howard Stern

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