All I’ve seen of this program is raw footage for the pilot, and it’s genius. It begins with four female dancers in a smoke-filled room, looking like understudies from Chicago, doing high kicks and lip-synching this impossibly catchy ditty: "It’s the Brent Camponi/New York City/Variiiiiety Show." Like everything else on the program, the pop tune was conceived and arranged by Mr. Brent Camponi: "I was listening to the music at the end of Pamela Anderson’s VIP and that’s what inspired me. I don’t play instruments. I play harmonica."

Brent also does the lighting on Saturday Night Live and Rosie O’Donnell. He has won three Emmys for his work, but that doesn’t compare to the tv auteur status he has planned through his program.

"You’ve seen Leno and Conan and Letterman–it’s nothing like that," he says of The Brent Camponi New York City Variety Show. What it is like is Comedy Central’s Man Show, with twice the t&a.

Brent, a mild-mannered guy from Detroit who looks like early Nirvana drummer Chad Channing, chairs the festivities with stunning blonde sidekick Jodi Polavich. They discuss current events on a couch and intermittently cut away to the talent, which includes, among other things, and according to Brent:

"A hot Italian fire-breather from Amsterdam who spits fire while half-naked; some Russian acrobats; sexy belly dancers; magicians; an Asian girl that roller skates; comedians; a girl that builds puppets; a 14-year-old Britney Spears impersonator, and a girl that lays on a bed of nails. Half-naked."

Class all the way. The show has sketch comedy, with a few male characters, but other than that, it’s just Brent and a lot of women. In addition to the opening theme dancers (one of them, Jessica Grant, is an acoustic singer-songwriter who performs on the show), there are Fly Girl-style hiphop dancers who come in at the end.

"My hiphop dancers are hot, man. They’re some beautiful babes. I have a black one, a South American one, a Chinese one and a Japanese one, and when the show gets big I want every teen boy in America to have his favorite dancer. I want to see those boys making out with the playing cards, you know?"

Brent’s show is guided by a few principles. One is the idea of the "un-celebrity," many of whom star in the show. "The un-celebrities are tv personalities not yet recognized by the tv system," he explains. "There’s so much talent there in the un-celebrity, and through my show you’ll see un-celebrities turn into Big Stars. I also have plans to use real celebrities, like Molly Shannon [who recently announced her departure from SNL], as extras. You know, so you’ll be going: ‘Is that her?’ The celebrities will be extras and the extras will be celebrities."

Another idea that informs Brent’s work is "shocking vs. clever." Brent doesn’t go for shocking. Shocking is easy.

"I could take off my pants right now and dump on the floor, and people would look–but would that be funny? I don’t think so. My next goal is to get a street named after me in New York City, and I’m not gonna get that by pulling my pants down and putting my finger up my nose. I’m going to get that by being clever."

Brent has been developing his show for the past two years, and he’s getting ready to shop it to the big guys: HBO and NBC. He’s still looking for models ("more sexy girls and some guys, because [cohost] Jodi is going to need hunky guys"), ethnics, actors, dancers, performance artists and bands. Send your head shots, videos, resumes, CDs and cassettes to BC-Variety, 61 E. 8th St., #389, NYC 10003.

Don’t be shy; Brent handpicks everyone on The New York City Variety Show, and he will "continue holding auditions until there’s no talent left to find."

…One of Brent’s "un-celebrities" who may actually be headed to stardom is named Natan. He works at Le Figaro Cafe (184 Bleecker St. (MacDougal St.), 677-1100) and does impromptu performances at Meow Mix (269 Houston St. (Suffolk St.), 254-0688; try Monday nights). What Natan does is sing.

I mean, he sings like a bastard. He’s a tiny blond in a black leotard and sparkly eyeliner, and he gets onstage a cappella and blows you away. I’ve seen him do "I Will Always Love You" note for note, with all the passion of the original, plus his own trademark warble. He’ll be on The Brent Camponi New York City Variety Show, but don’t wait. Try to see him at Meow Mix, which is very nice on Thursdays, and more receptive to men than you might think.

…Speaking of gay singers, The Church Ladies for Choice (www.churchladies.com) are performing at the People’s Voice Cafe (Workmen’s Circle Bldg., 45 E. 33rd St., 787-3903) this Saturday at 8. The Church Ladies are probably the only band in America to frequently gig at abortion clinics. There are 15 members in NYC, but for this event, 7-10 will show up–two women and the rest guys in drag. They sing songs like "God Is a Lesbian," "This Womb Is My Womb" and "Psycho Christians," mostly a capella but sometimes with a guitar, euphonium, bagpipes and accordion too (if anyone remembers to bring one).

Side note: the People’s Voice Cafe is probably the only venue in New York that will give you cheap tickets if you identify yourself as unemployed.

…Women, chances are you dig Jeff Buckley. Don’t feel bad, it’s all biology–cute guy, writes achy love songs, plays guitar, and he died after jumping fully clothed into the Mississippi! That’s hard to beat. Maybe some of the water that filled his lungs came from his own tear ducts.

If you’re too old to like Jeff Buckley, then you like Tim Buckley, who died almost as cool back in 1975 (heroin overdose). David Browne, another guy who you probably would like, has written a book documenting the lives of both Buckleys. He’ll read from this alluring Buckley orgy, Dream Brother, at the Living Room this Thursday at 7 p.m. (84 Stanton St. (Allen St.), 533-7235).

The book’s narrative jumps back and forth between the lives of the two Buckleys, skipping time between paragraphs to interweave their (actually interesting) stories. Also, Dream Brother has plenty of interviews, and yes–pictures of two generations of lost lonely-little-boy rock stars.