By Caeriel

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

One of my heroes, the brilliant author Barbara Kingsolver, is donating the royalties from her latest book, Small Wonder, to her four favorite charities. You’ve got to respect that kind of integrity. Writing a book is no small feat, and giving up that much love and toil to help others is really putting your money where your mouth is. Although you may not be as well-positioned to give up so much of yourself or the fruits of your labors, you can still take inspiration from her example. The world needs your nurturing right now. Channel all your parenting energy, choose the metaphorical scraped knee or broken heart that needs you the most and do your best to kiss it and make it better.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Thumbs: they’re good for wrestling, hitchhiking, twiddling and pinching, but among what’s now being called Japan’s thumb generation (or oya yubi sedai), that’s just the beginning: now that most of that country’s youth own Web-capable cellphones, it’s become a major part of the culture (there are tv shows with thumbing contests, and studies being conducted to see exactly how hyper-agile and muscular Japanese thumbs are getting). By comparison, we Westerners are wasting our prime digits on mere videogames, when we could be using them to discreetly send 50-80 e-mails a day, like those high-tech kids. Please allow my thumb-in-cheek analogy to stretch this far: by neglecting a heretofore unknown strength, you’re letting vast opportunity go to waste–get your thumbs in gear and pick up the slack the rest of your fingers have been compensating for.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Last night I dreamt I wandered through a misty garden filled with white marble statues carved to resemble the pantheon of ancient Greek gods. Stumbling at Eros’ cherubic feet, I found myself sobbing about my oft-broken heart. Cupid, suddenly warm and alive, nodded knowingly at my apparently familiar complaint and lifted a giant birdbath, already filled to the brim with other people’s grief, to catch my tears as well. When I awoke, I thought of you, and wanted to remind you about a few things: 1. You don’t have a monopoly on pain. 2. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let yourself experience it fully. 3. Since everyone suffers, that ache can bring you closer to the world around you and the hurting people in it–ironically lessening the sting for all concerned.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

As much as you may want to bitch-slap those apple-polishing brown-nosers you’re surrounded with lately, I recommend you refrain. I’m hardly suggesting you kowtow to the kowtowers–I’m just pointing out that you’d be surprised at how quickly those toadying assholes can become vengeful, lawsuit-wielding pricks, who are ultimately much more bothersome than they were as ass-kissers. The bottom line: they’re not worth the effort. Take the Taoist approach to your life’s annoyances, and deal with them in an enlightened way: minimize their destructive or negative potential by giving them the least amount of energy possible.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Screw the high road. Don’t let your usual willingness to be held accountable for your actions and accept responsibility for past mistakes get you nailed for things you didn’t do. You don’t have to take the fall for anyone; in fact, you owe it to yourself not to. Relax; you don’t need to be a finger-pointing rat to get out of this one. Just shrug off the mantle of local scapegoat and stand firm with your "not guilty" plea–before long your innocence will be proven and your name restored.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

There’s a difference between keeping unhealthy secrets and cultivating a little tantalizing mystery. Although I admire your latest desire to be forthright and up-front about your feelings and opinions–consequences be damned–that tendency might conflict with some of your other needs. Transparency is desirable in politicians and priests, but don’t confuse it with the honesty that we crave in those we love and lust after. Salome, don’t remove all your gossamer scarves. Leave us a little to the imagination! Once you figure out that the bellydancer with two veils gets a lot more action than the one with none, you’ll be glad you left yours on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

If you gave everyone who wanted one a piece, you’d have to divide yourself into paper-thin, transparent slices. Since being haunted by a tissue-fragile ghost version of you would be annoying and useless, your buddies won’t stand for it. It’s decision time: who gets what parts of you, and who goes without? I hate to force you to make tough choices, but failing to do so would mean that only your loudest, grabbiest and most selfish companions would get a share, leaving the meeker sweethearts out in the cold. Is that really what you want?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Although Enterprise’s straight-backed Vulcan (played by Jolene Blalock) makes seriousness look sexy, don’t try to pull it off yourself. On you, irrefutable logic and humorlessness don’t sit right. Why would you want to go there, anyway, when you do jovial camaraderie so well? Hilarity serves your agenda far better than stingy fact-citing. Believe me, earnest preachiness could never compare with casual sarcasm. Don’t think because you’re a laid-back joker that people don’t take you seriously. The brains behind the banter are obvious, and command respect–and more influence than you know.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Writing my first novel is a trial-and-error process. It’s often 11 steps forward, nine steps back. Retracing my path and undoing days of hard mental labor can be frustrating, but whenever I get discouraged, I think of you. I’m habitually dominated by impatience; by contrast, you’re used to making careful, slow progress; you’re more often tortoise than hare. But every once in a while, all your discipline and diligence pays off and you’re able to rocket forward, outstripping the race’s forerunners. This week, you’re poised to take such a lead–and since you’ve already done all the hard work involved, you’ve nothing left to do but lean back, sip a cocktail and wave to your competitors as you zip by.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

By planting electrodes in the brains of rats, scientists have learned how to thoroughly direct them, even to the point of climbing trees, venturing into lighted areas they’d normally avoid and jumping off things. Eventually, they’ll justify depriving these critters of free will by equipping them with tiny cameras and sending them into disaster areas, like collapsed buildings, to look for survivors. You’re being controlled too, albeit far more subtly. Nevertheless, it’s true: you’ve been responding to certain stimuli, regardless of the source, on automatic. This week, make sure your rationale is at least as good as the hopefully life-saving reasoning behind those robotic rescue rodents, or make sure your reactions come from conscious decision, not reflex.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You could cite the decor in most Pisceans’ houses as the veritable definition of the word "eclectic." Mainly composed of the many gifts you’ve received and could never bear to part with, you usually manage to make clutter work for you. But it’s not healthy to be buried under anything, not even kindnesses. I’m not suggesting you throw any of those precious knickknacks away, but could you try consolidating them? Clear out a room, or at the very least a corner, to give yourself some space to think. If you can’t or won’t give it to those blue-whale-sized ideas, more than just bric-a-brac is going to come crashing down when they come in anyway.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

When we run out of oil in our lifetimes, we won’t plunge into some anarchical state, a la Mad Max. In fact, the technology exists now to make use of many more environmentally sound, efficient and economical alternatives, like liquid hydrogen, methanol and ethanol, compressed natural gas or bio-diesel. Unfortunately, the powers that be would like to postpone our petroleum-free future so they can make more billions now. Similarly, your strong-arm friends are keeping some seriously unpleasant shit in your life longer than necessary. Consider their motives. What benefits are they reaping to justify your misery? The key to jumping ahead to a happier future that’s not as destructive on so many levels: eliminate the profit margin.

Neuropterous disincrustant crappie fucose postinfarction conductmoney kingbolt piperine. Kainite sold absurdist alveococcosis camphoroyl prodrome. Pretended stocks cycle lobbying autodual aghast silvan preinvestigation born gravure cower disappear cleverness. Pushy proprenolon vestibulology.