By Michelangelo Signorile

Meet Thine Enemy
Rush, to be cured at the hands of hippies.

It’s true that Rush Limbaugh won’t be going through cold, nasty, state-funded drug treatment like his poorer fellow addicts–that is, in the states that still have treatment slots open, as Republicans, spurred by people like Limbaugh and his armies, have consistently put the kibosh on government-funded drug programs. And yes, as a loaded, white alleged buyer of illegal drugs he probably won’t go to jail the way a street addict would, though the maid he allegedly got to buy illegal pain pills for him may be put in the can.

But after researching the place that Limbaugh reportedly checked into for drug treatment, I’m convinced that if the treatment is successful, he could be transformed into a being that is barely recognizable. In this case, that can only be a good thing. After all, if Limbaugh has been on synthetic heroin for years, foaming at the mouth and railing against liberals, a detoxed Limbaugh might be defanged as well. (Makes you wonder what Ann Coulter is on, eh?) That’s not to mention that the treatment center that sources told the New York Post he’s entered is, for him, the belly of the beast.

Previously, Limbaugh put himself into overnight detox–twice, we’re told–at the sterile, business-like, highly secretive Addiction Recovery Institute in Manhattan. The rehab facility he’s rumored to have checked into now for 30 days, Sierra Tucson–which will neither confirm nor deny that Limbaugh has checked in–is just outside of Tucson in the Sonora Desert, a setting with a "quiet beauty, inherent strength, and enduring ability to inspire," as described on the facility’s website. For a guy who has railed against "anti-people New Age mystics," the "treatment modalities" at Sierra Tucson are certainly enough to make his hair stand on end. It’s also likely that Limbaugh is being treated alongside the very Hollywood types he has railed against for years, people who check in to discreet, upscale rehab centers in the desert but tell themselves–and their friends–that they’re doing a spa vacation.

"Sierra Tucson utilizes many different types of therapeutic modalities to access underlying issues," the website of the roughly $1000-a-day treatment center explains. "Each modality is designed to unearth vital information from different angles and pathways into one’s self." (That is all supposed to happen before you head on to the adjoining Miraval Spa, a posh resort and sister company to Sierra Tucson, where you rest up at after you’ve done your 30 days in the treatment center.)

From "psychodynamic role-playing and yoga" to "adventure therapy," "Climbing Wall," "the desert experience" and "equine-assisted therapy" (yes, bonding with horses), Limbaugh may just think he died and went to "feminazi" hell. The website depicts photos of people with a decidedly Berkeley look sitting around on the floor in what seem like consciousness-raising sessions. Picture Rush holding his fellow travelers’ hands and singing Kumbayah. Surely he’ll be reciting a line from the very president he lambasted for years: "I feel your pain." How many on the right would have thought that Bill Clinton would be getting the last chuckle, out there aiding his feminazi wife’s successful political career while their man Rush is wandering the desert reciting New Age mantras?

"Self-discovery often crystallizes during an experience that requires physical and mental exertion in the face of a potentially fearful activity," the description for the Climbing Wall says. "With its height and verticality, the Climbing Wall serves as an important therapeutic metaphor."

Yes, I’m sure some of you would pay to watch Limbaugh scale that wall. But me, I’d like to observe him during "creative expression therapy," which includes "art therapy, journaling, meditation" and "clap outs, historygrams, reading assignments" as well as…"sculpting." These techniques, the website explains, "deepen the journey to self-discovery."

But it’s the horse-bonding that really may change Rush’s life.

"Equine-Assisted Therapy is an interactive therapy modality in which participants work one-on-one with horses in a metaphoric experience." Sounds kinky, but apparently there is an adult present. "This program utilizes a trained equine therapist to help interpret behaviors, ask questions, and facilitate the experience."

Phew. So, how does this therapy work?

"The process of working with the horse helps patients access their wounds, identify dysfunctional behaviors in relationships, recognize their effectiveness or ineffectiveness in setting appropriate boundaries, and identify deep-seated issues that may not have been brought to the surface with other therapeutic interventions. For example, horses have an uncanny ability to sense deep human emotions and can mirror a participant’s mood or behavior."

Can you imagine the horse that mirrors Limbaugh’s mood or behavior? Get the hell out of the way!

"Through the interaction between the horse and the patient, a trained therapist will ask questions based upon what is being revealed through the ‘relationship,’" the description notes. "Through a series of interactions, patients begin to understand destructive patterns of their behavior."

All this while, activists were calling for advertiser boycotts of his radio program in order to end the destructive patterns, and all they had to do was get Limbaugh some equine-bonding at the local racetrack. (Just don’t bring high-roller Bill Bennett along.)

Then there is the Cognitive/Behavioral Therapy (CBT): "The major philosophical assumption of CBT," Sierra Tucson’s website explains, "is that by changing individuals’ thinking, their belief system, and, in turn, their behavior is changed."

Changing Rush Limbaugh’s belief system? Suddenly brainwashing seems refreshing.

Another of the therapies, "experiential therapy," the website notes, "was developed during the early 1970s," a decade that cannot be among Limbaugh’s favorites. "This type of therapy helps individuals experience the issues they are dealing with through acting them out, role-playing, guided imagery, projecting, and the use of props. By physically, emotionally, and mentally expressing one’s self, individuals are assisted in unlocking hidden issues and in working through them."

Surely Limbaugh has lots of hidden issues to work through–oh, to be a fly on the wall during that therapy. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not meaning to belittle drug treatment, nor, certainly, drug addiction. Quite to the contrary. Loopy as some of these therapies seem, I’m all for whatever works. And I’m all for Limbaugh’s potential transformation from a fire-breathing dragon into a jellyfish or a pussycat–or even an actual human being, as unlikely as any of that is (particularly since some experts say 30 days isn’t enough time to kick OxyContin).

I’m also glad that the New Age mystics, the feminazis, the well-to-do Hollywood types, the liberals whom he has claimed "coddle" people on drugs and lots of others whom Limbaugh has attacked may now be helping him out in Arizona. Let’s see if he returns the favor.