GIFT GUIDE

Stocking Stuffers

The new best place to go for cute, and cheap stocking stuffers is H&M. Stocked but mauled hooks bear endless amounts of scarves, hats, jewelry, bags, belts, gloves and whatever else may be the trend of the minute—arrayed in color-coordinated rows. We make notes of the compliments we receive from our friends on our own H&M accessories and pick them up the same item. Now that Christmas is fast-approaching, we regularly visit any store we can, purchasing travel-sized brushes ($2.50) in iridescent yellow or blue and brown stripes and oversized earrings ($1.50) in antique finishes. Besides, it’s an easy way to wow your extended suburban family with your good taste, while they patiently await the arrival of their own H&M outpost.

Bed Bath & Beyond expands the realm of impulse-buy items, offering a strange selection, including the very handy and ingenious bright pink Ms. Manicure matchbook ($.99). Handy, it’s filled with 12 striped emery boards that you rip off like matches. Being such a silly item, your loved ones would never purchase one on their own, but will love it and think of you each time they use it—even if it’s just to even out a hangnail.

If you’re willing to go out of your way to secure a special stuffer, stop by Seagull Haircutters on 10th St. (Hudson St.) for a small plastic tub of lip rouge ($10), perfect for tinting lips and cheeks, just in case the whipping winter winds don’t add enough color. The lip balms are handmade from ingredients such as Jamaican flowers, jojoba and almost-unnoticeable peppermint; they seem to bring lips to a brighter but even shade of their original color. Each canister bears a picture of the store owner, Liz, as a child, holding up a pinwheel and squinting from the bright sun, reminding anyone of warmer times.

The most practical NYC item is the Metrocard-sized subway map. It’s a bargain at $1.50, though we’ve seen it more than a hundred times when browsing stationery stores. Reminiscence on 23rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.) has faithfully carried them at the checkout counter since before they made the move to Chelsea. There’s also a huge stock of kid-favorite novelty items like Grow-Beasts, magic tricks, Pez and crystal growing kits—perfect to finish off a gift or take the spotlight at a gift exchange. Or, for those handy, ambitious types who don’t have real jobs or enough to do at night, pick up a DIY button-candy-making kit for $20.

Woodburning Tool
Lee’s Art Shop
220 W. 57th St. (betw. 7th Ave. & B’way), 212-247-0110

When we were young, dad didn’t really like Sunday visitation days. He did, however, like to nap, and would buy any manner of craft kit that promised to occupy the combined time of a football game and a snooze.

One fine Sunday (the Giants vs. someone better), he got a six-pack and we got a woodburning kit. It had the basic burning tool, a sort of thick pencil with an electric cord, plus three assorted tips and a selection of large, shapely wood chips. We plugged it in, then touched it with our finger every 30 seconds to see if it was hot enough. Soon enough, we were jaggedly burning our initials into a wood chip. We followed that with burning our initials into more wood chips. Then our friends’ initials. Those were a crazy few hours.

We haven’t even gotten to the best part: The burning part, see, it smells like burning. Think fireplace, but a bit more sinister. It’s less "Oh, someone’s burning leaves down the street" and more "Oh, shit, did I leave the iron on?" or "Oh, shit, did I just singe my eyebrow while trying to light my cigarette off this stove burner?" There’s a heady smokiness to it. Think: log cabin in your own New York City apartment. Not to mention your initials in a piece of wood.

The basic tool with five assorted tips is available for $16.95. Hardcore deluxe kit: $47.

Vintage Cookbooks
Bonnie Slotnick
163 W. 10th St. (7th Ave.), 212-989-8962

Sometimes when we’re microwaving our third Lean Cuisine meal of the week, we yearn for the days of starched aprons, perfectly peaked buttercream frosting and frosty cocktails with swizzle sticks. For these moments, Bonnie Slotnick is the go-to gal. Slotnick, a very nice and knowledgable lady, has the mother lode of vintage cookbooks hiding away in her tiny, crowded shop. The narrow store has inspired legions of devoted chefs of both the famous and non-famous varieties, with everything from 18th-century rarities to well-thumbed Betty Crockers to vintage food related postcards. The goods start at a paltry $1.

Massage
SimplySpa
104 W. 14th St., Suite 2C (6th Ave.), 212-647-8919

With so many spas offering triple-digit massages and paycheck-killing rejuvenation packages, you wouldn’t be wrong to question all that recession talk. You might even assume that a lunchtime trip to the salon is reserved for upper types. Maybe they know something you don’t: Ninety minutes of personal attention is worth its weight in sea salts.

Christine McKelvey has high ambitions: a SimplySpa "in every neighborhood." Her debut shop is appropriately simple: a modest space, peaceful atmosphere and a warm, welcoming staff. There’s a calm to this oasis on 14th St. and a comfort that comes without the cloying condescension of a New Age mini-resort or the exclusivity of an upper-crust pampering spot.

What makes SimplySpa really stand out is McKelvey’s approach to services. Rather than schedule separate treatments that might divide your time or break up the serenity of your visit, clients book blocks of time. So, instead of scheduling a massage with a manicure and pedicure and facial, one reserves 90 minutes. SimpySpa’s "dually certified" technicians can handle everything during one calm, uninterrupted session. You won’t find yourself walking from room to room, floor to floor.

Besides being convenient, this philosophy makes for great gift-giving. Not sure if your boyfriend would even accept a manicure? Don’t worry—he can ask for a deep-tissue massage when he arrives. Girlfriend has her own pedicurist, but wouldn’t mind trying the anti-oxidant facial? She’s not obligated ahead of time; a menu of services is presented atop the impossibly comfortable cotton robe. Purchase 60- or 90-minute packages for $110 and $150 (call for longer sessions), and all services are available "a la carte"—with a 30-minute manicure going for $35, pedicure ten dollars more. Waxing, aromatherapy, glycolic peels and other such items are also on the menu.

Messenger Bags

Crumpler
45 Spring St. (betw. Mulberry & Mott Sts.), 212-334-9391

These days, more artists and students are carrying bike-messenger bags than the bike messengers themselves. Without the kiddie stigma of a backpack or adult stigma of a laptop bag, they’ve long been the de rigeur city accessory. The Australian company Crumpler makes the best bike-messenger bags in existence. The Very Busy Man Laptop Bag is tops. And it better be, at $129.95. Maybe you can get a discount if you ask for the display model. Give it a try—Aussies are notoriously friendly.

Fresh Meat
Musa’s Slaughterhouse
3510 3rd Ave. (168th St.), Bronx, 718-378-1094

If you like to look your dinner in the eyes and thank it for its service to humanity; if you like to hand pick your cut of beef; if you want to save money and go in for the whole hog; if you want to buy your meat the old, old-fashioned way…

Go to Musa’s Slaughterhouse in the Bronx. Musa is a friendly family man who will be happy to help you and toss you a free chicken just to keep you coming back. His store, like other live-meat and -poultry markets in the city, is located in an industrial area and is a magnet for new immigrants who feel more at ease picking out their meat before it’s slaughtered. Musa offers many varieties of beef (like black and red angus), chicken, 20 varieties of lamb and goat for between 99 cents and $2.50 per pound. These are varieties you would never be able to find at your corner butcher—or even knew existed.

You’re not required to buy the whole animal. Musa, with his blood-spattered rubber wellies, will gladly present you with your choice cut and throw in the organs—brains and all—if you seem adventurous. And, he’ll quickly point out, unlike those plastic-wrapped supermarket chickens that are injected with water to increase their weight by up to 15 percent, his chickens are "just chickens" and sell for about a dollar per pound. While not exactly a stocking stuffer, these meats come with a USDA stamp of approval and Musa’s care, which means the animals are treated well and prepared according to the prescribed methods that make the meat Halal.

Prepared Meat
Dodge City Steaks
877-783-2532

Or, if fresh slaughter isn’t your thing, ship your favorite carnivore a package of steaks from Dodge City, a Kansas-based purveyor of dry-aged beef. The Dodge City Sampler ($106) offers up enough red meat to feed an entire overweight family: two eight-ounce filets, two 12-ounce traditional aged strips, two 12-ounce dry aged strips and two ten-ounce dry aged sirloins. Though we believe that describing this "taste of the Old West" as a "true adventure" is a little bit weird ("Gee, honey, let’s buy your uncle Roscoe 84 ounces of meat—it’ll be an adventure!"), we can attest to the sirloin’s rich flavor and tenderness. Extra bonus: A gift of Dodge City meat is shipped overnight in a package containing enough enough dry ice to recreate a KISS show circa 1976.

Tourist Paintings
Times Square

Most New Yorkers dismiss Times Square as a tedious, overcrowded zoo of overweight tourists and the kitschy things they flock to. But the square also has its share of starving artists hoping to claim some of those tourist dollars for themselves. So, if you suck it up and make the trip to 42nd St., the heart of New York’s garish ostentation, you too can have an original painting; or give one as a Christmas gift. First, dig out a favorite photo of you and your gift recipient. Take said photograph to Times Square and hand it to one of the street artists. They will turn that photograph into a painting in a matter of minutes. Just like that, you have a portrait of you and a special someone for the pretty price of under $20.

Funky Wristwatches

FOSSIL
fossil.com

We once had a friend who was obsessed with collecting Fossil watches. Latest count, he was approaching 100 of them. We could never decide if he was the best or worst Fossil customer in the world: He was obsessed with their product, but he hadn’t really bought into the brand. He may have owned 100 watches, but he never accessorized.

This year, Fossil is offering some of the season’s most interesting wristwear with their Collector’s Club series, a line of watches based on popular movies and personalities. Past editions have commemorated Mighty Mouse, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Tom Landry (!) and, not surprisingly, Mickey Mouse and Barbie. New additions include watches based on Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings, Snoopy, Elvis and—here’s the best gift in the world for the goth girl in your life—The Nightmare Before Christmas. The larger editions come with figurines, like Gollum peering into a pool of water, or Nightmare’s Lock, Shock and Barrel. They’re only available through the company’s website, and most run around $100, plus or minus $25

Knit Choker
Bark
369 Atlantic Ave. (betw. Hoyt & Bond Sts.), Brooklyn, 718-625-8997

Not prepared to give jewelry, but need to up the ante on last year’s scarf? Chokers and wrist cuffs by Brooklyn-based designer Kate Sears toe the warm line between style and winter-gear staples. Both are knit by hand from silk mohair yarn in a variety of colors; the tiny stitching and fine threads give the chokers the appearance of jewelry more than neck warmer, though in fact it will serve dual purposes. The single-piece wraps around the neck, revealing a small, angular section of skin just below the hand-stitched button (each comes with a different vintage button). While it works for everyday use, it especially stands out when combined with a dress for special winter occasions.

The wrist cuffs are a way to add color under any sweater, or to offset three-quarter sleeves in the cold months. Of course, they can also help with your friend’s 80s revival plans (wear just one, or a different color on each wrist) or decoratively cover your girlfriend’s suicide attempt—

Um, we mean, the time that bathroom mirror "fell" on her arm.

Prices range from $15-$56. Call Sears directly at 718-638-5138 for wholesale and other store locations.

Fancy CD Changer
Excalibur Electronics
305-477-8080, excaliburelectronics.com

Motorized CD changers are now a regular thing, with knock-offs at the Macy’s/Sharper Image midtown trap and all over Amazon.com. But don’t get fooled—only the original Excalibur Rolodisc ($120) will do. Seventy-five CDs snap into an esthetically pleasing beveled tower, and by stepping on a button (or hitting it with your hand, if you choose to mount your Rolodisc on a desk—or if you’re crawling toward it), all of them can be streamed through at fast-but-not-breakneck speed. Easy access every time, and no broken jewel cases. And as the CD becomes a thing of the past, the Rolodisc will no doubt become even more valuable.

A Weekend Getaway
Mohonk Mountain House
800-772-6646, mohonk.com

The Mohonk Mountain House near New Paltz, 90 miles north of Manhattan, presents themed weekend getaways, any of which would make a fantastic and unusual gift. There’s Ballroom Dancing (Dec. 5-7), the Wonderful World of Words (Dec. 12-14), Self-Balance, A Woman Perspective (Jan. 2-4), Taste of Latin America (Jan. 9-11) and Jazz on the Mountain (Jan. 16-19) and others continuing into the spring. The historic, landmarked retreat, built in 1869, is a sprawling Victorian castle—turrets and all—perched atop a cliff overlooking Lake Mohonk and the resort’s 4500 acres of carefully groomed gardens and pristine forests—with 85 miles of trails for hiking, horseback riding and cross- country skiing.

Rates start at $350 per night, double, and cover lodging, all meals, guided nature hikes and more. The hour and a half bus ride (about $36 roundtrip) from Port Authority is a pleasant one.

Silk Road Overflow

Pearl River
477 B’way (betw. Broome & Grand Sts.), 212-431-4770

Some might argue that there’s really no reason to shop anywhere besides Pearl River. Recently moved down the street from their cramped former quarters at Canal and Broadway, the new store is airy and bright and, best of all, still dirt-cheap. Buy your auntie an embroidered satin lipstick case for less than three bucks. For your uncle in Boulder, cheap out with a set of laquered chopsticks ($2) or blow his mind with a beautiful blue ceramic serving bowl ($25.50). Your girlfriend will blow more than your mind when you show up in an eye-popping silk mandarin dress ($69), and whose dad wouldn’t love a "Happy Coat" ($85)?

Novelty Lights
Village Lighting
339 7th Ave. (betw. 28th & 29th Sts.), 212-868-9757

Since the holiday season is all about the lights, we thought it would be appropriate to give some that could shine all year round. We will keep the glow of the season burning by giving the gift of light from Village Lighting. This little store is packed full of reasonably priced illuminating goodies, the staff really knows their bulbs and they have something in stock for every type of person on our shopping list.

For teens they carry all types of novelty lights: lava lamps, glitter lava lamps, strobe lights and disco balls. For the urban outfitters: paper Chinese lanterns, paper star lanterns and bulbs of all colors. For the more conservative types: beautiful Japanese paper lamps as well as tall halogen lamps. They also carry the full range of plastic string lights typical to lighting shops—beer bottles, electric guitars, fish, stars and parrots—which remain a perfect gift at less than 10 bucks.

Cultural Bankruptcy
Subscription to Maxim

His confidence is already shattered? Go in for the kill. A subscription to Maxim magazine (or any of its ilk—Stuff, FHM, Details, the Economist) ensures that your favorite beer buddy, compadre, boy toy, amigo will receive a hefty dose of soul-numbing consumerism every month. Cramming each page with shallow aspirations, the editors drain the pool a little more by adding jokes to press releases and passing off the resulting sham as a "review." Maxim guarantees your bud will never be satisfied with anything whatsoever by ceaselessly hyping the junk no one owns or needs. And that’s a gift that keeps on giving.

Boxing Gear
Gleason’s Gym
83 Front St. (betw. Main & Washington Sts.), 718-797-2872

As New York Press made painfully clear in October, boxing is for literary chumps, too. Find Norman Mailer’s The Fight and Joyce Carol Oates’ seminal boxing treatise, On Boxing, at most any respectable bookstore, then head out for some gear. There’s really only one choice when it comes to outfitting your friend’s knuckles, head and crotch: Everlast. Unfortunately, the Bronx-based Everlast only distributes wholesale, so you’re stuck finding a retail outlet.

One imagines that a sporting-goods megastore would have everything for the budding pugilist, but only a chump would train in gloves from a chain store. Not only is it unseemly, but the equipment at The Sports Authority isn’t fight-ready; it’s more suited for "aerobic boxing." To get quality gear, take the F train to York St. and pay a visit to Gleason’s, the city’s original badass boxing facility. There you’ll find a solid selection of gloves, gear, shirts and shorts—everything one needs for that first ass-kicking, either giving or receiving.

Recycled Accessories

GOMINYC
443 E. 6th St. (Ave. A), 212-979-0388

Start repaying your debt to the Earth by buying gifts at gominyc, where everything is handmade and created out of recycled materials. Note that recycled doesn’t mean dirty hippie—there’s no patchouli oil or hemp hackeysacks here. Instead, it’s a swank collection of items to stuff in the stocking of your favorite environmentalist who knows what not to wear.

Way cuter than the Paul Frank sock monkey, for instance, are the gominyc handmade stuffed animals, fashioned out of cuddly, second-hand materials. Get a bunny, kitty or ducky for $20-$35. For record collectors who appreciate good packaging, start with a vintage box made out of old album covers for $6-$8; add a handful of 45 spiders and a gift certificate and you’re all done. Snazzy, Fanta-loving ladies might like one of the purses made out of soda bottle caps and wire—a giant one is $50, smaller versions are less. You can also buy soap by the inch, recycled crayons melted down into cute shapes and screens made out of film canisters. Shopping here may not rid you of that guilt for throwing old batteries in the kitchen trash, but you gotta start somewhere.

E-wear SV-AV30
J&R
23 Park Row (betw. Beekman & Ann Sts.), 212-238-9000

No serious digital gadgeteer should be without Panasonic’s E-wear SV-AV30, a palm-sized electronics monster that provides digital audio and visual recording and playback. In other words, it will play your music, record your meetings, take still photos and video recordings and utilize its own cradle to download video from the tv. And, it has editing functions for all of these tasks, plus connectivity that allows for email as well as down- and uploading of files from PCs or Macs.

If that’s not enough, the SV-AV30 has its own built-in speakers, accommodates headphones and has a built-in mic and mic jack, and the 200,000 pixels LCD screen swivels 360 degrees for easy viewing. The entire unit weighs just about four ounces and can be worn around the neck as a fashion accessory.

Bigelow Tea Sampler
Zabar’s
2245 B’way (betw. 80th & 81st Sts.), 212-787-3810

Know someone who likes tea? Bigelow’s new elegant cherry-finish $60 tea chest is filled with 64 individually foil-wrapped tea bags, including eight each of the company’s trademarked Constant Comment, Lemon Lift, English Teatime, Mint Medley Herb Tea, Orange & Spice Herb Tea and Sweet Dreams Herb Tea, plus eight each of Earl Grey and green tea. Other assortments are available via the company’s website (bigelowtea.com), including the snazzy Classic Tea Chest, a deluxe cherry wood case with bright brass handles containing eight Earl Grey, Vanilla Carmel, Constant Comment, English Teatime, Green Tea, Orange & Spice Herb, Mint Medley Herb and Cozy Chamomile Herb tea bags ($63). This, as they say, is a gift that goes on giving: When contents have been consumed, the chest can be refilled with the same or other favorite tea blends.

Flavor Flav Alarm Clock
Lord & Taylor
424 5th Ave. (betw. 38th & 39th Sts.), 212-391-3344

Have that one friend who shakes his fist angrily at the latest Hot 97 stars, insisting that hiphop as an art form reached its zenith in 1988 when two homeboys from Long Island got together and called themselves Public Enemy? Bring back the days of Fear of a Black Planet with this talking alarm clock modeled after the unforgettable Chuck D. sidekick, complete with oversized clock. It comes with five different wake-up calls, including "Bass for your face," "Git up, a git-git-git down," "Rock that shit, homie," and my personal favorite, "Yeeeeaaah, booooyyy!!!!" If this doesn’t bring a smile to your crabby friend’s face (and brighten up their room with its fluorescent colors), nothing will.

Puma Gear
Puma
521 B’way (betw. Spring & Broome Sts.), 212-334-7861

We were dragged to the sole Manhattan Puma store by a friend who needed a second opinion on her first new Puma jacket. While she tried on almost every jacket on display in preparation for the final cut, brightly displayed gear caught our eye. Rows of bags in classic throwback styles and color combos line the back wall. Unlike vintage bags, these come with modern amenities like cellphone pockets.

The sales staff is as uninvolved as in any other Soho store, and pays excessive attention to unnecessary reorganizing of the inventory. But they’re quick to interrupt any fashion debate with their "expert" Puma fashion experience, even predicting an item’s lifespan among arriving trends. You’ll have no trouble installing yet another logo on your friends and loved one. Our particular sales assistant helped us decide between the decadent chocolate/Pompeian red and the black/Heather blue Heritage Utility bags ($35) by bluntly exploring the pros and cons—we settled on the latter for some reason relating to our friend’s skin tone.

Though we poked fun at overcooked color names like "seedpearl white" and "black coffee," we nonetheless adore the Weekend Mini Grip ($24) and the fancier fundamental Halfmoon Clutch ($20) and would’ve splurged on them, had we fatter pockets. Too bad for your weed deliveryman: The Jamaican flag-themed shoes—once encased in glass by the register to ensure ultimate commitment—are all sold out. Maybe you should’ve started earlier.

Trapeze Lessons

New York Trapeze School
Hudson River Park (betw. Piers 34 & 26),917-797-1872

Fly through the air with the greatest of sleaze—no, wait. Ease. Since your life is but a black-and-white Wim Wenders movie from the 70s and you are, after all a silent German angel, you obviously know plenty of people with the winged desire to fly.

Located at Hudson River Park, the school offers trapeze lessons to children and adults ($35-$65). Participants should expect bruises and blisters, but as far as real injuries go, they have a spotless safety record. Even with the wires and harnesses, former participants have described the school as breathtaking and exhilarating, an experience akin to flying. Classes are always less than ten people, so humiliating plunges into the net will be in front of a small audience.

Gift certificates are available, but work in the circus is, for the most part, not. Oh, and if you run into Columbo, tell him we say, what’s up.

Parking-Ticket Shirts
Angie Velasquez & Dominic Arnone
Corner of Prince & Greene Sts.

If you’ve ever owned, borrowed, rented or stolen a car in New York, you’ve gotten a parking ticket. A great, big sucky orange one. Herein lies the strange but undeniable appeal of Angie Velasquez and Dominic Arnone’s parking-violation t-shirts and jackets. The shirts, which are soft, high-quality American Apparel (100 percent cotton, sweatshop-free, eco-friendly, etc.), are silkscreened with an image of the dread ticket. There are sleeveless, girlie and basic tees, as well as jackets and hoodies, and the colors are muted: brown, olive, white, cream. Shirts are $15, and hoodies and jackets are $35. Velasquez and Arnone are making plans to donate three percent of profits to charity. Find them every Friday through Sunday, 10:30 to 7.

Holga
B&H Photo Supply
420 9th Ave. (betw. 33rd & 34th Sts.), 800-606-6969, x72

The name "Holga" may remind you of a long-ago dalliance with an Eastern European tranny whore, but for others it’s a toy camera that uses medium-format film. The plain white box—complete with a generic "HOLGA CAMERA" across the top—should clue your giftee as to what’s inside. The camera is almost entirely black plastic and prone to light leaks and distortion and a wealth of other maladies. But it’s precisely this unpredictability that has elevated the Holga and its predecessor, the Diana, to cult status among budget photographers and art students.

For $21.95 with a flash, $16.95 without, a Holga makes a great toy for legit photographer friends as well as the casual enthusiast who would enjoy playing around with 120 film in a point-and-shoot manner. Deliver the gift with a couple rolls of film, two AA batteries (flash model only) and a roll of black tape to seal up the corner. They’re always in stock at B&H; or visit holgamods.com for a still-affordable tricked-out Holga with customizations such as a pinhole lens and painted body.

Bonus: At a distance, the Holga 120SF looks like a serious camera, opening up the possibility of being mugged for it. Just imagine the thief’s disappointment when he brings this $22 piece of plastic to the pawn shop.

Smokes
Anywhere but New York City

All some people want for Christmas is their two front teeth—tar-yellow and biting on a Marlboro, that is. Any smoker’s irregularly beating heart would be warmed by the sight of a couple cartons tucked underneath the tree. Problem is, the mayor’s priced them out of our range.

There are options for securing reasonably priced cigarettes, of course, but as they say, the cure may be worse than the disease. Most simply, you can hop on the PATH and stock up on slightly cheaper cigs across the Hudson in Ho’smoken. Or spend an afternoon on Atlantic Ave. searching for a bootlegger with something other than menthol. Or ask your mother to ship over a few cartons from her cheap-smoking state.

If only to spare dear mother the knowledge of our chainsmoking ways, we prefer to turn to the great consumer leveler: the internet. In addition to the multitude of Indian-reservation (ezsmokes.com, smokersden.com) and duty-free European discount sites (yesmoke.ch) that offer cartons for under $27, the cigarette companies themselves offer ways to order cigarettes online or by phone. The American Spirits website (nascigs.com) offers a free sample carton—but they’re sneaky about it, making you take a phone survey before they inform you that they need information in writing and that a survey will arrive in three to four weeks. You can order a cube—five packs—of "classics" from Nat Sherman’s site (natsherman.com) for $33.75.

Now then, how about some tips for buying PowerBall tickets across state lines?

Travel Games

Flight 001
96 Greenwich Ave. (Jane St.), 212-691-1001

There’s pocket Scrabble and mini chess sets, fine, but sometimes you just don’t want to think so hard. For us brain-lazy types, there is a mini (five inch by five inch) dartboard—for trips, for the office, for that claustrophobic dorm room. Only catch is, the darts aren’t the pointy kind; they’re magnetic. And no chalkboard is included to keep score. The travel dartboard can be wall-mounted or freestanding. Available for $20, along with other nifty travel accessories.

Thorn jewelry
thornNYC.com
451 Broome St., 8W (Mercer St.), 212-966-0348

When we were in college, a zoo-employed friend gave us a whisker from an endangered Siberian tiger. It was illegal, but strangely exhilarating. We’d walk downtown, twirling it around our finger, sucking on our exotic toothpick. It made us feel powerful, not to mention sexy. We remembered that feeling, in a bit more delicate fashion, when we saw a friend wearing Thorn’s "quill" necklace, a sharp porcupine quill cast in rose gold, hanging vertically down the center of the breastplate. It’s pretty, but also a bit dangerous—just enough to be interesting.

Many of the other items in the Thorn collection are similar—natural elements cast in 18k rose gold or sterling silver. Earrings made of the bone cross of a fish in sterling silver are on the cheaper side of the collection at $110, as are the 14k rose gold vertebrae earrings at $220, while the Montauk seaweed drop earrings and the asymmetrical rice-grain and seed-cluster necklace are unique but a bit more prohibitive ($770 each). Bracelets and necklaces are also available with angel coral, carnelian and aquamarine.

Thorn pieces are a particularly good gift choice for the stylish working-woman set. Smooth rose gold and silver wedding bands are available if, instead of a gift, you’re buying the cow.

Smart-guy Things
McSweeney’s Store
429 7th Ave. (betw. 14th & 15th Sts.), Park Slope, 718-499-9884

So maybe you hate Dave Eggers, McSweeney’s, the whole deal. We won’t try to change your mind, because frankly the whole thing gets on our nerves every once in a while too. Then we think about all the pathetic never-rans who sit next to us at the bar, bitching and moaning about successful types. And we realize that it’s easy to hate people who are confident in something they’ve created and good at making you feel inadequate. Fact is, though, the McSweeney’s Store—basically unmarked, and technically called "Store"—is a pretty decent place to shop for the smart guy or smart girl who’s not concerned with hopping on the backlash bandwagon before the backlash itself becomes fashionable. Books by all the usual suspects are on hand at this Park Slope shop, and there’s a fantastic array of curiosities that make great gifts.

Maple Syrup

Deep Mountain Maple
Union Square Farmers Market

In some households, real maple syrup is a staple. In others it’s a special treat. Either way, the only blank stare we’ve ever received after presenting it as a gift was from a 62-year-old chainsmoker who lives on canned tuna and SlimFast. (We eventually smuggled the maple syrup back to our abode after it had collected serious dust in his cobwebby cupboard.)

Howard and Stephan Cantor have been making organic maple syrup on their 120-acre sugar-maple farm for 18 years. Every Friday and Saturday (in the spring and fall), they make the seven-hour drive from West Glover, VT, to the Union Square farmers market. There they sell various grades and sizes of traditional and spiced-up (ginger, hot pepper) maple syrup, as well as maple candy and the food of the gods: spreadable maple cream. Order from their website (deepmountainmaple.com) and ship to friends all over.

The Chillow
soothsoft.com

A number of thoughts on the Chillow:

—The Chillow is a cooling device that can be inserted inside your pillow, providing a comforting sensation to those unlucky sleepers who spend their nights tossing and turning, desperately in search of that elusive cool side of the pillow.

— We can’t believe this product exists.

— With the introduction of the Chillow, it’s official: Everything has now been invented.

— If we were betting types, we’d say the Chillow will be a smash success. Everyone loves bizarro, semi-useless gifts, and if there is a more a) bizarro, b) semi-useless gift to give this holiday season, we have yet to see it.

Pizzeria Uno Gift Card
unos.com

The cards, which replace old-fashioned gift certificates, feature a photo of a steak sizzling over a flaming grill. Above it are the words "Best Food Around." Of course New Yorkers know that Uno can’t claim the best pizza, let alone the best second-rate sirloin steak. Which is our point. We all have friends who either just moved here from the Midwest and pine for chain restaurants, have kids or just generally don’t know shit about food. For them, there are places like Uno, where bland fare, child-friendly atmosphere and massive Long Island Iced Teas are just the ticket. Plus you can make the waitstaff sing "Happy Birthday."

Ice Wine
Vintage NY
482 Broome St. (wooster st.), 212-226-9463

The only store in the city to deal exclusively in local wines, Vintage NY offers classic reds and whites along with a wide selection of delicious late-harvest dessert wines, including several superb ice wines. The sweet, potent eiswein originated in Germany in the late 18th century when grapes were left unharvested through the first frost. The process of freezing and thawing increased the sugar content and richness of the fruit, yielding a thick, sweet wine. They are particularly suited to our region, and are typically sold in half bottles and served as a cordial. Vintage NY also features local cheeses, patés and other New York native culinary delicacies, and all of their wines are available to taste, every day—including Sunday.

Sharp Hats
J.J. Hat Center
310 5th Ave. (betw. 31st & 32nd Sts.), 800-622-1911

There are two tricky things about giving hats as gifts. The first is secretly measuring the would-be recipient’s head before you go to the store. The second is picking the right kind. You don’t want to give a bowler to a fedora person—good lord, how gauche!

Most of the hat stores around New York are cheap and pointless, their merchandise looking like it’d be best suited for the Easter Parade or perched atop a pimp’s head. There’s only one place to go for the serious hat buyer, and that’s J.J.—the place on Fifth with the big electric red Stetson sign out front.

The store itself is elegant in an Olde New York way, the selection’s unbeatable and the staff people are courteous and know what they’re talking about. They’re also more than willing to assist the confused shopper. You’ll be dealing with the world’s finest hats here, and they don’t come cheap. Expect to drop $100 or more, but keep in mind—it’s a time for giving.

Magic & Gags

Abracadabra Superstore
19 W. 21st St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-627-5194

Surely there’s someone on your shopping list who deserves a steaming pile of shit? Abracadabra can’t help you out with the steaming part, but they will sell you a very realistic-looking (though sadly not stinky) pile of the brown stuff for $3.50. For the princess on your list, there’s a tremendous selection of tiaras, sequined masks and feather boas, while the up-and-coming Shari Lewis can make due with Squeezable meningoradiculoneuritis miniskirt sobriquet plateau regrading, agglostoe acrohidrosis cutch semigroup acrose.
sumatriptan order xenical vardenafil fioricet cheap vicodin cheap vicodin prozac cialis turgescent elint lysigenous thermofission trumpery altering autocrane trazodone motrin dioxane lipitor buy zoloft buy zoloft valium cipralex venlafaxine naproxen celecoxib generic ambien vardenafil order carisoprodol online order xenical cyrtolite buy fioricet furosemide nexium retin-a generic finasteride amoxycillin buy phentermine atorvastatin lansoprazole simvastatin cephalexin teleprinter piecing buy viagra naprosyn zyloprim stilnox paraph presizing order xanax norvasc diazepam propecia online leucoaniline order valium buy ultram berillium generic effexor proscar cheap cialis zyban generic lipitor tizanidine tenormin prinivil viagra lorazepam buy zoloft prevacid cozaar celexa simvastatin atenolol simvastatin generic xanax atriotomy omeprazole buy ambien escitalopram buy soma viagra buy valium online order fioricet bextra lipitor cheap tramadol zopiclone xenical extraarticular singulair buy propecia cheap levitra wellbutrin alpestrine generic prevacid losartan kenalog proscar buy prozac cheap phentermine propecia generic prozac akinesia buy meridia cheap adipex masonwork generic hydrocodone carisoprodol paxil generic prozac lorazepam citalopram nitrator lisinopril lipitor propecia ionamin order diazepam venlafaxine famvir testosterone cesol buspar outbrave buy xenical lortab cheap viagra metformin prednisone lexapro clopidogrel alprazolam ionamin buy cialis hellbox tizanidine transfix buy fioricet danazol montelukast felucca premarin orlistat cheap fioricet furosemide cheap adipex sumatriptan paroxetine orlistat buy carisoprodol online order xenical cheap soma order ultram katamorphism ambien online tenormin simvastatin objectless generic phentermine cheap carisoprodol generic propecia zyban vardenafil phenic buy ambien order xanax amoxycillin synthol generic sildenafil generic viagra online ciprofloxaca ventriloquist dummy ($68). Your goth cousin will be happy (well, as happy as a goth can get) with the deluxe set of fangs that comes in its own plastic coffin ($26) or a velvet-lined casket-shaped purse ($75). For your favorite mad scientist, there’s the crackling plasma lightning simulator ($145), and if you’re positive Santa’s gonna leave you coal again, just leave him a shock can of lemonade ($14) along with his cookies. Fat bastard.

Better Music
Other Music
15 E. 4th St. (betw. B’way & Lafayette St.), 212-477-8150

Got yourself a prepubescent niece (or, God help you, nephew) asking for that new Britney Spears CD? Well guess what? They ain’t gonna get it! The country’s going straight down the crapper, and the fault goes squarely on the shoulders of Those Damn Kids and That Awful Music of Theirs.

Want to save the country? Then do what we do—if they ask for Beyonce, you get them Beausoleil. They ask for Korn, you get them Stockhausen. They ask for Nelly, you wrap up some Tuvan throat music. Get them Beefheart, Zappa, Nihilist Spasm Band, Residents, Arvo Pärt, Tiger Lillies—anything at all except the crap they’re asking for. And the best way to do that is to go into Other Music, close your eyes, spin around in a circle, then grab the first thing you touch. Whatever you happen to snatch is guaranteed to be a million times better than what they wanted.

When they tear off the wrapping paper and you see the confusion and disappointment in their eyes, do what we always do—just tell them, "Trust me on this."

They’ll thank you for it in 10 years or so.

Pickles
Gus’ Pickles
85/87 Orchard St. (Broome St.), 917-701-4000

In the early 1900s, there were more than 100 pickle shops on the Lower East Side. Pickles were an affordable food that held up well without ice boxes, making them an especially popular item for the immigrant community. Why not remind your Polish grandma, Jewish dad, Russian auntie of the good ol’ days with a treat from the barrels at Gus’ storefront? Mix and match from the varieties on hand, in sizes from two in a baggie ($1) to a gallon ($21) or more. The barrels are usually manned from nine to six, Sunday through Thursday; they close early on Fridays, and there are no pickles for you on Saturday. With a little help from modern technology, a half gallon of pickles ($11) will last about two months in the fridge. But trust us, they’ll finish the sours much sooner than that.

Real Clothes for Real Men
Dave’s
581 6th Ave. (betw. 16th & 17th Sts.), 212-989-6444

Shopping for clothes can be difficult for men without girlfriends who still want girlfriends. (Get what we’re saying?) Thank heavens for Dave’s. The Chelsea clothing store is a temple of blue-collar couture swimming in a sea of overpriced boutiques. Here you’ll find rugged Carhartt duck jackets, Timberland boots made for the bearded outdoorsman and Lee jeans that aren’t faded or pro-torn—they’re just blue and comfy. Stacks of flannel shirts bear the mark of a pre-Cobain era, while scarves and wool socks are of the durable and utilitarian sort—not the preppy, "I’m sensitive" kind. The leather gloves are made for hauling wood.

With the cold fast approaching, consider a sub-thrift-store-priced winter jacket, featuring quality name brands like Woolrich and Columbia Sports. For that guy who, despite his city-slicker, office-inhabiting status, doesn’t want to go metro—or cold—this winter, pay a visit to Dave’s, where there are no turtlenecks, no hand moisturizer and no pomades on the shelves.

Supercheap Stuff

Weber’s close out center
116 W. 32nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-564-3606

For $40, you can get more gag gifts than you can shake a stick at—and some of them will be almost nice. Unlike Jacks 99¢ Store next door, at Weber’s there’s a lack of order and a close-out flavor, and for once that person who looks like he’s talking to himself really is (no hidden hands-free devices are to be found), but sets are in abundance. There are cowhide-pattern cellphone covers ($1) and matching cowhide purses and black-out-proof zebra phones ($4.99). There are lovely rhinestone-covered photo frames ($3.99) and, for the children, a misguided Pocahontas replica ($1.49). The key thing to remember: Children under four don’t really know what you give them anyway.

Portable Sunlight
Photon Micro-Light

Blackouts suck. Should one strike New York again, take comfort your friends and loved ones will have a trusty Photon 2 Micro-Light on their keychains. When the power went out this summer, Natalia Zubko, a design student in Williamsburg, navigated her way through the dark, dank L tunnel to safety with this handy little light. The Photon, which runs on a small battery and is as heavy as a quarter, beams a narrow but surprisingly bright light in a variety of nine colors. It’s great for traveling, camping or staging mini-laser shows. A Photon fetches around $15 and is available online at photonlight.com or at any outdoors store like Eastern Mountain Sports (591 Broadway, betw. Houston & Prince Sts.) or Paragon (867 B’way at 18th St.).

Fancy Headphones
Bose.com, shure.com

Give the gift of silence—or, seen another way, of pure sound for listening bliss—with Bose QuietComfort. The sleek silver-colored headsets use patented technology to produce frequencies that obliterate deafening and distracting background noises on trains, planes, in offices or at home. Ear cups are amply cushioned for comfort and fit snuggly so they prevent sounds from escaping to disturb other people. The latest version flattens for easy packing, and features a detachable connector cable so you can experience wireless quiet. Priced at $299, it’s available at Bose stores in the Westchester Mall in White Plains or the Garden State Plaza in Paramus, NJ, or via bose.com.

Shure’s sound-isolating earphones snugly fit ears to block extraneous cacophony from interfering with the pure sounds you want. There are no overlay frequencies, so sound delivery is pure. Several models are available: The high-end version, E5C, features dual drivers (woofers and tweeters) to assure superior sound quality, and comes with several earplug options, and are available for $499 via shure.com. The lower-end E2Cs are also available direct from Shure ($99) or from B&H (420 9th Ave., betw. 33rd & 34th Sts.), 212-239-7500) for $79. Both sets come with cute, easily pocketable, donut-sized carrying cases.

Snazzy Pens
Rebecca Moss Ltd.
510 Madison Ave. (betw. 52nd & 53rd Sts.), 212-832-7671

Once upon the coldest day of the holiday season, in our blue period of temp work, we were painlessly laid off from a small yet prosperous Upper East Side boutique. It was over fast. There was no struggle; we were never cut out to be a sales rep. In fact, being "let go" fit quite nicely into our planned schedule of perfecting our ultra-potent egg nog recipe.

To repay our accidentally generous former employers, we offer the following recommendation in the spirit of gift-giving. Rebecca Moss Ltd. is a high-end pen store, but don’t be deceived—Sam Zagoory’s pen designs are really cool. Here’s the pitch we memorized during our brief employment: Eminem has one, as do Oprah, George Bush, Bill Clinton, Nolan Ryan, Donald Trump and many other people you may or may not like or admire. They—the pens, that is—come in all shapes, sizes and colors, and have been displayed at the Whitney Museum and in countless fashion mags.

If pens aren’t your thing, consider the leather accessories. There are embossed leather Tampon carrying cases—in red, black, blue, orange or purple—and a vibrant, hurt-your-eyes chartreuse condom carrying case. Visit rebeccamoss.com for a look at the goods, then head uptown.

Nice Clothing
Jill Anderson
331 E. 9th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-253-1747

Jill Anderson, whose E. 9th St. storefront opened eight years ago, crafts clothes for women who are at once eye-catching, functional and comfortable. Her designs, though steeped in a vintage esthetic, are sharp and modern. And they’re versatile. Our first Jill dress, a staple called the Hepburn, works just as well with flipflops or clunky librarian shoes as with footwear shiny and femmey.

When we bought that first dress, we couldn’t bear to put it in the closet. Instead, we hung it alongside the paintings, drawings and little sculptures around our home. We’re told that’s not uncommon. Every piece, whether a dress or a separate, boasts elegant lines, and the tailoring and fabrics are uniformly impeccable.

You can peruse the racks and books of Jill’s collections and tell the small, attentive staff what you like. They’ll create a "lust list" for you, so when your loved ones go a’shopping, they don’t have to cross their fingers and guess. But a gift certificate will also do the trick—and allows your lady the fun of going shopping herself.

Goodness & Light
The Rainbow Maker
The MoMA Store 81 Spring St. (betw. Crosby St. & B’way), 646-613-1367; 44 W. 53rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-767-1050

Got a pal who would like rainbows beaming in through her bedroom window? Hell, who wouldn’t? The Rainbow Maker will bring her dismal, piss-poorly lit apartment alive. The gadget attaches to any window that receives direct sunlight. When the sun hits the solar panel attached to it, a Swarovski crystal rotates, thereby creating a Technicolor fusillade of light. For other effects, add drugs to taste.

The Rainbow Maker requires no batteries and features suction cups that easily mount to any window.

T-Shirts
Tees.com
280 E. 10th St. (betw. 1st Ave. & Ave. A) 124 Ludlow St. (Rivington St.), 212-529-1030

Tees.com carries shirts for girls, guys, kids, babies and dogs. Not only are they on the internet, but they have two downtown locations. They will make a custom shirt before your very eyes: just choose the design, shirt and the details. They have a variety of iron-on band logos (Sex Pistols, Kraftwerk, Blondie), icons (pentagrams, skulls, stars) and retro personalities (Mr. T, Donkey Kong, Bruce Lee). They also have a wide selection of shirts—one shoulder, baseball sleeves and regular old cap sleeves. Just select the color of your shirt and for $20 and some change you have your very own custom t-shirt.

There’s also a regular selection of very cool ready-made t-shirts, featuring everything from Strawberry Shortcake to Wonder Bread to Mr. Bubble.

Tacky Décor
Bargain Bazaar
526 14th St. (betw. Aves. A & B), 212-777-7980

Some of these items are not only reasonable, they’re reaching for the skies—you can’t beat a metallic phone with a clock, a wedding type couple and a cherub, all of that merely serving as the base for a lamp. How much would you expect to pay? All this unimaginable splendor retails at a mere $29.99, though doubtless it was meant to be more at the time of its misguided conception. Also up there in price, but well worth it, are the giant, brown leopard-print eggs with a monkey painting in the middle—for $15.99. Or, for those on a tighter budget, a "Monkeyin’ Around" wall mirror goes for just $9.99 or the Jesus haulin’ a cross for $5.99.

Hurry on down, because our personal favorite, a garish revolving plastic beads over a small candle style light bulb, may not last much longer. One small caveat: This is not the place to buy a bra for your special lady.

Beef & Guns
West Side Rifle and Pistol
20 W. 20th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-929-7287, site59.com

Who says we can’t have butter and bullets? New York’s West Side Rifle and Pistol Range has teamed up with Frank’s Restaurant to offer the perfect gift: 150 rounds followed by a juicy steak. Destroy targets that feature black-and-white blowups of criminals holding hostages—printed on cheap newspaper posters circa 1970—without worrying about a gun permit or background check. Then, swing down to the meat-packing district to Frank’s on 10th Ave., where they serve up a mean steak.

What finer way is there to entertain a holiday-season date than blowing off steam and chowing down a cow? This being New York, it’ll cost you a pretty penny—$98 per person.

Blasphemy
Landover Baptist Church
landoverbaptist.org

For years we wandered in the darkness of preterition, unsaved, unwashed, unwelcome. We did not know why that winning Lotto ticket continued to elude us, nor why the Lord afflicted us with Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer. We could not comprehend God’s plan for us, in our ignorance, and we went astray. Very far astray.

One day after an invigorating walk through a New Jersey cow pasture hunting mushrooms, we were surfing the web aimlessly, seeking fulfillment through sinful indulgences and penis expansion, when we accidentally clicked a link on a page of she-male nuns fucking corgis and poodles up the ass with Barbie dolls. That click led us to salvation. That click led us to Landover Baptist. We never looked back.

It isn’t just about the free gifts, like the Godly John Ashcroft mask or the Diploma in Demonology. It’s about your immortal soul—and the store. Where else are you going to find the "What Would Jesus Do?" thong? Where else can you get a bumper sticker that reads "My Catholic Priest Molested Your Honor Student"? And don’t miss the free phone offer.

Your loved ones will be eternally grateful to you for giving the gift of salvation to them when they see their unsaved, hellbound neighbors and coworkers cast into the fiery lake to burn in unspeakable torment forever and ever. And maybe if enough Americans get saved, we can rid the airwaves of that slut Britney Spears and her filthy homosexual controllers and put the Osbournes back in rehab where they belong.

Put the "Christ" back in Christmas! Make straight the way of the Lord! Landover Baptist is the one-stop-shopping place for all of your holiday needs. Come for the gifts; you’ll stay for the sermons!

Robot Slave

Sharper Image
98 Greene St. (betw. Prince & Spring Sts.), 917-237-0221

In I, Robot, author Isaac Asimov dreamed of robots living and working side by side with humans. Today’s iRobot has them licking our carpets.

Like you, when we saw the sleek infomercial for this self-operating vacuum, we couldn’t help but imagine our lives transformed. All that time we waste sweeping floors could be used to make our lives more pleasurable. This brainiac dustpan on wheels automatically motors around, over, through and under the obstacle course that is your living space on a search-and-destroy mission for dirt. Its short, compact profile enables Roomba to get into nooks previously surrendered to cobwebs and dust bunnies.

Of course—and here’s the part that hurts—the Roomba Vac would be woefully inept in a cramped New York City apartment, where it’s likely to get stuck in a tight corner or be devoured by that army of beastly rats hiding under the sink—not to mention