By Paul Krassner

My Name Is Rumpleforeskin, and I approve this message. I defy conventions for a living, and last week I defied the Democrats' convention. Here are some highlights:

Teresa Heinz Kerry began by saying, "Onjay and I avehay iftyfay-eight ositionspay." She paused in her speech several times to walk out into the audience and pull delegates' thumbs out of their mouths.

A 12-year-old girl, who was outsourced from Bombay, representing Kids for Curry, stated, "When the vice president publicly said 'Go fuck yourself' to a senator, I realized that's why we have the First Amendment in this great nation."

In the press tent, a fistfight broke out between Tom Brokaw and Ted Koppel over whether the word "media" was singular or plural. "Is too," Brokaw shouted. "Are not," intoned Koppel. Fox News presented a montage of Al Sharpton saying "Slap my donkey" over and over. And CNN experts critiqued Dennis Kucinich while he was speaking, but did so with the sound turned off.

A scandal developed when it was revealed that Elizabeth Edwards insisted on being paid $100,000 in cash as a reward for product placement if she would mention Wendy's fast-food chain in the context of family values.

John Edwards displayed signs of Tourette's Syndrome as he frequently interrupted his own speech with uncontrollable outbursts: "Bush!" "Cheney!" "Ashcroft!" He seemed to be waiting for someone named Hope to arrive, but she was delayed in Boston gridlock. Edwards kept reassuring the crowd, and explained that if Hope never arrived he would be sure that Help was on the way in 2008.

A psychic was on hand to predict how many manipulative applause lines each speaker would indulge in. As for entertainment, Michael Moore sang a reggae version of "Won't Be Fooled Again," followed by a trio—Whoopi Goldberg, Linda Ronstadt and Ann Coulter—who performed a stunning rendition of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

In the streets, a sequel to the famous Stanford prison experiments was taking place in a makeshift concentration camp. About a dozen protestors played the part of prisoners being tested by actual guards to determine the precise point at which abuse becomes torture. The study concluded that such a determination is totally subjective, depending on whether you are a prisoner or a guard.

The real heroes of this convention were those plain folks from across the country—walking back and forth behind tv correspondents reporting from the convention floor—smiling at the cameras and saying into their cell phones, "Can you see me now? God bless America. Can you see me now?"

Oh, yes, John Kerry's speech was brief and to the point: "I have decided to decline your generous nomination," he roared above a standing ovation, "because I want to spend more time with my family."

Backstage, Teresa was absolutely furious, yelling, "Oveshay it! Oveshay it!" o