Lately I've been deluged with books and articles all purporting to tell one sex how the other thinks. I will delve into the male psyche in a few weeks, but for now I'm going to concentrate on what I know best: the female brain. In the interest of research, I bought the most recent issue of Cosmopolitan. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to slap that down in front of the checkout girl? I'd sooner buy a copy of Teen Snatch or Anal Enthusiast.

Back in the safety of my own home, I perused the section on figuring out which jeans would best show off my butt and guffawed at their suggestion that I try out a sexy new side ponytail for summer. Then I stumbled upon the female-phobic feature, "How to Put a Bitch in Her Place," which promptly caused me to put it in its place (out my window), before I could really glean any hard facts. So I looked through my files and found an article I mentioned a couple weeks back—"25 Things Women Wish Men Knew." By the time I rediscovered this gem, I was already in a bit of a tizzy and decided to rewrite the author's list.

• She wrote: "We need to hear how you feel about us. Tell us right now. And again in ten minutes." Barf. Please don't. Heartfelt declarations of love offered more than once every day or so are excessive and tend to make a lady think you're full of shit. Being in possession of a pair of ovaries does not automatically render us insecure or particularly interested in discussing our feelings.

• She says—"When we ask you how we look, 'fine' is not an appropriate answer." If a woman is moronic enough to ask if she looks fat in that outfit, she deserves to be told yes. Even if she doesn't.

• She says—"Don't talk about your ex. Ever." Now this is just stupid. Especially if you're dating me. If I didn't have about a billion annoying ex-boyfriends to write about, I wouldn't have the pathetic career I've managed to eke out. Fair is fair.

• She wrote, "You're sexiest when you're: sweating, driving, shaving, or holding a baby." Eww. Eww. Eww. Eww! No! You're sexiest when some part of your body is all up in some part of our body. Or when you're handing us a big brown paper-bag stuffed full of twenties. Or as you present us with our brand new pony that we never got when we were kids because our mommy didn't love us enough to purchase livestock.

• She says, "If we're not having sex it's because we are punishing you for not doing something our way." Huh? Withholding sex? As punishment for you? Does not compute!

This is where I quit reading and started shredding. Here she is, with a perfect forum to really educate men on what women wish they knew (which, in these times of Orange Alert and an impending election, I think we can all agree is an extremely serious and important topic) and she blows it by resorting to dull clichés. Gender Traitor!

As I ripped her story into a million little pieces, I started to formulate my own goddamned list of what I think women wish men knew:

• Here's what not to write when you respond to someone's online personal ad: "I am fairly fucked up. I am in the process of divorcing my bitch wife, I'm still in therapy and on some mild meds, but I am not a Woody Allenesque neurotic mess." Yes, someone actually sent that to me. No, I did not go out with him.

• Speaking of the online. Reread your e-mails before hitting "send." I was seeing a fella who thought it would be a swell idea to blind-cc me on an e-mail he sent to an ex, detailing the wank dream he'd had about her the night before. Besides describing the load he had lobbed into a "tissue cunt" (his description, not mine), he went on to tell her (and me) about the many girls he'd been seeing. Among them, me.

In a tizzy of completely illogical logic, he had foolishly reckoned that reading this retarded little missive would get me hot and bothered and make me want to fuck him senseless. Erm, no. It actually caused me to point and laugh at him.

• Refrain from getting another person's name tattooed on you until at least the seventh date. My friend Michelle set a friend of hers up with a guy she'd gone out with once. Her pal (we'll call her "Jill") and the dude (we'll call him "Travis Bickle") went out a few times and seemed to be hitting it off. Until he showed up for their fourth date with J-I-L-L tattooed across his knuckles.

• It is verboten to employ cutesy names when describing genitals (yours or mine) and/or sex acts. My cunt is not called a "snoopy," and a blowjob is a blowjob—not a slurpee. Good god.

• Nice guys do finish first. However, there is a huge difference between being a nice guy and being a pantywaist, just as there is a big difference, yet at the same time, a fine line, between being persistent and being pathetic. Discern that difference and you will be fine.

• Unless you want a smack in the head and a one-way ticket to Lonelyville, don't you dare offer the Disclaimer Speech. Believe me, every straight girl has heard a variation on this one. The Disclaimer Speech is given to warn your intended about what a deep, troubled guy you are. You're a modern-day James Dean without all the homo baggage. You're Charles Bukowski with better skin. Yeah, yeah, you're tortured. Snore.

• If you are wrong-headed enough to dump us, take us off your goddamned spam list. The best part about breaking up with you is knowing we don't ever have to beg and/or bribe friends to keep us company during one of your band's sparsely attended shows. Nor are we at all interested in reading your latest blog update, checking out your new art show or gazing at photos of your ugly babies. Feh! Go away! You are dead to us!

• A closing bit of breakup etiquette: When breaking up with someone, it is considered very bad form to kiss them goodbye on the mouth. Especially with tongue. o