Oh my god, I am so in love with you! For the record, your list ["Lover's List," 8/18] could easily be relabeled what men wished men knew. Particularly the bit about cutesy names for genitals. Every fag needs to be told there is no such thing as a man cunt. Okay, end of the random mash note.
—Julian
Normally I abstain from printing letters written by people who have nothing but kind things to say, but yours raises a good point—"man cunt"? Eww!
As Julian points out so sweetly, there are a lot of things that we wish we could tell our others (significant or otherwise), but are too kind to actually voice aloud. I am not kind. Send your suggestions to me, and if entertaining enough, I will print them.
My friend recently confessed that he was boinkin' my ex-girlfriend while we were living together. This woman dragged me to counseling, and the whole time she was sleeping with my friend! I swear, she did this to make me feel like crap. Should I let the fact that this guy bagged her ruin our friendship or should I write it off as the penalty for dating a slut?
—PK in Nebraska
The grudge fuck is a long-established tradition, and nearly everyone I know (myself included) has indulged in it at least once. Things end badly, and so naturally it follows that a gal (or guy) tries his or her damnedest to sleep with their ex's best friend. If your ex's closest buddy happens to be a troll, you move down the friend ladder until you hit a hotty. If, on the off chance, your ex has only hideous consorts, it is a given that you will take a different tack and bag the person they most hate in all the world. Fucked-up behavior, yes; nearly inevitable behavior, also yes. (Never mind that these scenarios almost always end horribly. That's not the point.)
But this is different. Your girlie wasn't out for revenge; she was engaging in pre-emptive retaliatory booty and making you sit through therapy at the same time, which truly cements her place in the Heinous Cunt of Misery Hall of Fame. But really, haven't we all dated enough to know that fools in love almost inevitably wind up hurting each other? Which is why I'm giving her behavior, though horrible, a pass. Lovers come and lovers go, but friends should have their loyalties in order. Which is why your pal's behavior is far more heinous and thus, completely unforgivable.
Don't you worry about ending your friendship—your buddy destroyed the relationship the minute he slipped it to your luv-uh lady. Friends don't fuck their friend's girlfriend, no matter how hot said girlfriend might happen to be, and no matter how much said girlfriend might beg for a bite of his manwich. I'll go so far as to maintain that a truly good pal won't sleep with your girlie even after she becomes your ex—at least not without obtaining permission from you first. (Obviously, as revenge fucks are so ubiquitous, there would appear to be a crucial shortage of truly good pals, but still.) That you're even considering remaining friends with this jackass is completely unfathomable. Hell, I've written off people for far less serious infractions. Life is too short to waste one more second of it hanging out with duplicitous shitbags.
More than anything else, your current situation indicates that you have crap taste in people. Please don't take that as an insult; I was firmly in your camp for many years. I've dated philanderers, sociopaths and pretty much any other form of ne'er do well you could possibly dream up. Some of my female friends weren't much better. For a while I got into the habit of befriending the kind of questionable woman who would immediately hit on anyone I expressed the slightest lick of interest in. Not shockingly, I spent a lot of time feeling like crap on a stick.
After a while, I got bored of feeling bad about myself, sick of wondering what I'd done to provoke such bad behavior in others. Then one day it came to me. The skies opened up and it all became clear. (Cue angelic choir.) It wasn't me inspiring these miscreants to new heights of evil; it turned out that I was simply selecting boyfriends and friends the same way I'd always picked out pets. See, I'm the breed of moron that goes to the animal shelter and marches right past all the perky little healthy puppies with their shiny wet noses and heads straight for the one-eyed mangy runt hiding in the corner gnawing on his own turds.
Once I figured this out, I knew exactly what to do: I purged my life of the undeserving. I elimi-dated the losers I was seeing and deleted the slags from my life. And yeah, maybe I don't have as many so-called friends as I once did, but at least I know the ones that remain won't be stabbing me in the back anytime soon.
So young man, I suggest you learn from my example and pick the healthy happy puppy next time. Beware the poop-eaters. o
