NEWS & COLUMNS

1001. City’s collective IQ drops eight points, temporarily tying us with Seattle.

1000. Delegates from Kansas spotting Dave Chappelle on the streets 50 times a day.

999. Rudy Giuliani caught backstage in Nosferatu pose, muttering, "Soon all this will be mine!"

998. Protest war stories from people who spent previous 364 days watching MTV.

997. Mary Cheney forced to stop eating pussy for most of Wednesday primetime slot.

996. Osama bin Laden’s name will not be mentioned by a single speaker during the convention.

995. Our weekly Al Qaeda training seminar and pot luck social was cancelled.

994. Fey, dreadlocked boys cause everyone else to question their sexuality.

993. Bush pitches himself as protector of New York, even though the state still inexplicably ranks 35th in anti-terrorism funding.

992. Aaron Brown taking chicks on limo rides to Times Square and saying, "There used to be a billboard of me here."

991. Criminal balloon profligacy on display while thousands of poor New York children go without balloons.

990. Inevitable fights with spouse, who bristles when you say Kerry isn’t much better.

989. Republicans fail, for reasons that baffle even prominent Republican lawmakers, to release names of all the members of the platform committee.

988. Because NJ Transit is sealing all the trash containers on their NY-bound trains, it’s Bring Your Garbage to Work Week.

987. Log Cabin Republican pigs in shit.

986. Protesters scatter when someone shouts, "Hey, This Old House is on!"

985. Inevitable "Markets React Favorably to Four Days of Preposterous Speeches" story.

984. Last-day riots between police and protesters just an elaborate ruse to allow Jeremy Irons to rob the Federal Reserve downtown.

983. Hot Ticket!! Nation columnist Katha Pollitt hosts spoken-word performance, "A Demonstration in Words."

982. Republican delegates in pricey hotels and eating catered food at city expense as Bush administration proposes revoking of $107 million in Section 8 housing vouchers for New York poor.

981. Wednesday-night Condi Rice Appreciation Bash at Henrietta Hudson cancelled.

980. TV audiences deprived of sole entertainment angle on convention: Viewers will not get to see the phonetic spellings in the teleprompter text of George Bush’s speech.

979. Bowlmor populated by folks who can actually bowl.

978. Fad-happy GOP wives flush baby alligators down hotel toilets, guaranteeing killer gator problems down the line.

977. Jessica Cutler prefers Republicans to alt-weekly editors.

976. Inevitable Law & Order episode featuring skeleton of United for Peace and Justice organizer found mysteriously buried under Central Park boat shed.

975. Local policies quietly being determined while the newspapers are flooded with convention news (like the Dept. of Ed.’s decision to stop teaching sex-ed students how to use condoms).

974. Empty brioche racks in Zabar’s.

973. Opportunistic delis rename their sandwiches: the Cheney Melt, the Bacon, Lettuce and Santorum, etc.

972. Inevitable Mike and the Mad Dog tirades against unpatriotic protesters.

971. LIRR shut down.

970. NJ Transit shut down.

969. Commuters screwed.

968. Local businesses screwed.

967. Massive numbers of foreigners watching just to find another reason to hate us.

966. More NYC bike messenger featurettes on BBC News than usual.

965. Next Norman Mailer gains early political impressions while making pretentious tadpole way through crowds.

964. Wolfowitz buys the last comb at Ricky’s.

963. Republicans will pitch their call to end taxes on dividend income as a pro-senior citizen initiative.

962. Mark Green having trouble getting his message out.

961. A quarter-million angry protesters, yet none think to encircle Fox News studios to block doughnut deliveries to Roger Ailes.

960. NYU balconies off-limits to delegates.

959. When it’s all over, we can look forward to the upcoming release of Oliver Stone’s Alexander, starring Colin Farrell, Val Kilmer–and Angelina Jolie!

958. All the good blow bought up by Congressional pages.

957. Federal subsidy for convention security: $50 million.

956. Cuts in federal Health Community Access Program for New York’s medically uninsured: $120 million.

955. Political convention host committees the last bastion of unrestricted "soft" money in American political campaigning.

954. Event encourages scrawling of elderly ACLU lawyer’s name on the back of two-week-old copy of the Guardian.

953. Hours of tv facetime for loathsome Time reporter and serial flatterer Karen Tumulty.

952. Can’t make jokes about killing the president.

951. General American-flag redundancy factor astronomically higher around MSG even when compared to inflated post-9/11 level.

950. Whole thing is fucking up David Dinkins’ first week at the U.S. Open.

949. Sean Hannity able to credibly claim this is his town.

948. Hard to tell if Dick Morris is hailing cab or prostitute.

947. Republicans notoriously bad tippers; local actresses forced to pick up more shifts.

946. Republicans taking 5/6 train to Bowling Green looking for a cologne factory.

945. Dave Barry column this week ruminates on the possibility of being stopped by traffic police for picking one’s nose.

944. City should be emptier than this during Burning Man.

943. Gov. Pataki wistfully recalls, for journalists, the "great rock ’n’ roll concerts" he’s seen at Madison Square Garden.

942. Visiting Republicans gloating over revival of Bryant Park.

9/11 941. The Republican Party’s thinly veiled attempts to milk the 9/11 tragedy for political gain, as evidenced by: 940. Their decision to hold the convention here in the first place. 939. Their original plan, since canceled, to lay the foundation of the Freedom Tower during convention week. 938. The title of the convention’s opening night: "A Nation of Courage," featuring Rudy Giuliani. 937. RNC press release notes that Giuliani will "speak to the courage of the American people, seen through the acts of bravery of a city that saw tragedy and great acts of heroism on Sept.11, 2001." 936. In an interview with the New York Times, Giuliani says about 9/11: "It has to be an issue in the election. Not discussing it would be like conducting an election for Abraham Lincoln and not discussing the Civil War." 935. White House advisor Matthew Dowd says for Bush not to mention 9/11 "would be like Roosevelt not talking about Pearl Harbor." 934. In fact, Roosevelt didn’t mention Pearl Harbor at the 1944 Democratic convention. 933. Giuliani tells Meet the Press on the day before the convention starts: "My message will be one of leadership, that President Bush has demonstrated during maybe some of the most difficult days in our history." 932. Even though federal cuts have led to the closings of six New York City firehouses, Bush intends to visit a firehouse. 931. George Will on the convention: "As Republicans convene less than four miles from Ground Zero, the presidential contest is crystallized by that proximity." 930. The Democrats opened the door for this with their own 9/11 tribute during DNC.

929. You find yourself annoyed by the protesters, until you pick up the Daily News the editors bitching about the supporters of "anarchy or communism or nihilism or baby seals or Bobby Seale–whatever." 928. That’s when you wish that someone would do something really drastic. And then you’re back to being annoyed with the protesters.

927. Chinese Communist Party will think this is "what Democracy looks like," setting democratic reforms back 50 years.

926. Swift Boat story knocked off front pages just as it was starting to backfire.

925. New York Times guide for delegates includes address of Friends establishing shot.

924. In their editorial, Times braintrust references Bush’s campaign "proscenium."

923. In another Times editorial, Ron Rosenbaum, in his welcome piece celebrates doo-wop as part of the local culture.

922. Times guide also includes translation of word "Yo!" for visitors (it’s a "common salutation").

921. Osama bin Laden getting high and stuffing his face with Cheetos as he watches with amusement.

920. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 1: Winner of MTV’s Republican-inspired "Stand Up and Holla!" contest to speak at the convention.

919. Hitler-Jugend Vol. 1.A: Winner of MTV’s "Stand Up and Holla!" contest, Arkansas’ Princella Smith, said the president "inspires us to be what I call Generations X-ample...our generation of 18-year-old soldiers can take a stand."

918. They can take limb-severing shrapnel, too, but that goes unmentioned.

917. Pete Hamill uses word "flaneur" in welcome-to-New York column in the Times.

916. News media seeks out reaction of: Moby.

915. Khaki pants at Gap no longer half-off.

914. The guy in front of you for the crapper is Grover Norquist.

913. Shushed at bar for asking patrons to turn off O’Reilly Factor.

912. Republican males "go native" by untucking their shirts.

911. NYC masseuses tired of explaining concept of "happy ending."

910. Whistles: annoying outside of protests. Annoying during protests.

909. Repeat sightings of Brad Pitt character from True Romance.

908. Falun Gong lost in the crowd.

907. Daily News "PLAY NICE" headline.

906. Would-be somber antiwar protest looks a lot more like a sex-and-drugs-free liberal arts Mardi Gras in which everybody has a swell time and meets new people to have coffee with.

905. Can’t find a copy of The Business Secrets of Attila the Hun in town.

904. Absence of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Gary Bauer from speaking program leaves Rick Santorum as only entertaining religious loony in program.

903. Donna Sheehan, founder of nude protest group Baring Witness, on political strategy: "At any time or place, any woman might expose all–and I mean all–for peace and justice. Her only intent is to seduce men into listening."

902. Sheehan is in her seventies.

901. Legal observers, for all their trouble, never get laid.

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