By Judy McGuire
dategirl@nypress.com

My somewhat-longtime girlfriend just moved to the city. We'd been carrying on a reasonably successful long-distance thing, seeing each other perhaps a week out of every month, if not more. It was sweet, and good.

But a week after moving here (the day she found work), she suddenly tells me we should just be friends. She used the old "I love you but I'm no longer in love with you" line. I was understandably devastated. For one, because throughout the time I've known her, she'd never given me the impression she was having these kinds of thoughts. We'd really had an incredibly close and moving relationship—or so I thought—and she'd confirmed that impression on more than a few occasions. I'm also upset because I spent much time and energy helping to get her up here, doing whatever she needed me to do—and frankly, now I feel really used, and lied to.

The problem I'm having is this—she keeps calling, sending me text messages, etc., asking me how I'm doing and telling me she misses me! She even called me the day of what would have been our anniversary to let me know she still loved me, cared about me, respected me. Every time I start to think I'm getting over her, she gets in touch with me and the agita starts up again.

When this first started (the breakup happened a while ago), I saw her a couple of times. Both times I was a bit of a wreck afterward. Now I simply want to yell at her to leave me the hell alone, and truly answer her with, "How the hell do you think I'm doing? You left me, I'm not exactly a bowl of cherries," or something a bit harsher than that.

I just don't know what happened—if she's lonely and freaked out and just looking for a friend, or if she's genuinely fucking with me. If it's really over, I want it to be over. I don't know if I should blow her off completely, or confront her about this. I'm generally a pretty strong guy, but this feels like salt in my wounds, and I've never experienced anything like this before. All I know is that I still am hung up on her, but I can't let her eat up my life and my energy this way.

Honestly, at this point, what should I do? How should I handle it when she calls, or expects me to call her back?

—Felix

A certain gentleman of my, ahem, acquaintance feels compelled to remain friends with all his ex-girlfriends. And not just the nice ones either. He's on good terms with the cheaters and crazies as well. Why? He's tried to explain himself many times, but it's like he's speaking another language. Does not compute. Though I'm friends with one or two exes and bear no ill will toward many others, generally when someone dumps me, that's it. Done. They're dead to me. Hard-hearted, yes; practical, also yes.

On the subway yesterday, I ran into an acquaintance who told me about a breakup she'd recently suffered. What made her pain more acute was that within a week of dumping her, her ex had already found himself a new girlfriend (to add insult to injury: a Bikram yoga instructor!) with whom he moved in almost immediately. This girl bravely told me how she was trying to remain pals with him but was having a hard time of it. I'll bet.

"Why the hell would you try to stay friends with him?" I yelped, genuinely outraged. She hemmed and hawed, and it quickly became apparent that she was only trying to do so because she's been brainwashed into believing that staying friendly with the jackass who broke her heart is the right thing to do. No!

I told her and I'll tell you: There's no reason in the world not to harbor a little rage toward the person who used your heart as toilet paper. Sure, one shouldn't let the anger become all-consuming or provoke one into perpetrating felonious behavior, but what's wrong with a hearty "Fuck you!" or a few unsolicited bill-me-later porno mag subscriptions? I'll tell you what's wrong with that—nothing!

Stifling your anger makes you ill. Why should you suffer when the other person is at fault? She used you, dumped you and then, instead of having the good sense to bow out gracefully, she keeps calling and sending you mixed messages. And do not think for one minute that these pathetic olive branches aren't her way of assuaging the guilt she feels for doing you wrong. If you don't hate her, she can't hate herself.

However, if you keep seeing her and responding to her dopey text messages, you have only yourself to blame. Time to buck up and tell her to piss off. At least for now. Inform her that her continued presence in your life is only serving to make you miserable. If at some later date (after you've fully recovered and are dating someone 10 times hotter) you feel like a friendship with her is something you wish to pursue, you will contact her. Until that point in time, she is to leave you the hell alone. Chin up! o