By Mark Ames

The other day I got a call from my evil Mexican friend, Ricky Ramirez. He was stuck in traffic, on his way to work.

"I finally read your fuckin' article," he cackled.

"You thought it was that funny?" I asked.

"No, motherfucker! I'm laughin' at all those guero suckers out there who support cutting my motherfuckin' taxes. HA-HA-HA! Hoo-hoo!"

I've known Ramirez for 20 years now, and he has always had one obsession: making sure that he is the least biggest sucker around. In practice, this has meant a relentless pursuit of corporate wealth while at the same time admitting to the hollowness of his existence.

"I know that I fucked up my life," he said. "I admit it. I puked it away inside a corporate law firm. Have you seen me lately, Ames? I'm overweight. I'm developing early-stage diabetes… My fuckin' neck is getting this gizzard sag. My wife calls me 'diablo,' and my son is a fuckin' mediocrity. Let's not bullshit each other, Ames, my son is only six years old, but it's already clear that he's a fucking mediocrity."

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"A father knows these things," he said. "In 10 years he's going to stop washing his hair and reject everything I stand for. Which is insane, because I don't stand for anything. You can't reject rejection! But the little prick is too stupid to grasp that."

"Did you try to explain it to him, at least?" I asked.

"Hell no! I don't have time for the little bastard. I'm too busy laughing at all those suckers who think it's not fair if I'm taxed when my parents die. I'm so rich I don't even need their fuckin' money. Hoo-hoo! Which reminds me: My parents better die soon, before the voters change their minds."

"Those same Middle American suckers just got hit with a new bankruptcy bill," I said.

Ramirez laughed: "I know! It's fuckin' great, because it should knock a couple points off my AMEX black card. Goddamn, I love this country. That's your problem, Ames. You're not into the spirit of things. That's why you're a failure."

"Sort of like your son," I said.

"You're just saying that because he's a Mexican, you racist fuck."

"Don't you work, Ramirez?"

"I'm driving to the office right now in my Carrera 4S, and all I see are these pathetic gueros in their mid-sized sedans." He honked his horn and started yelling: "Hey! How's that Toyota Camry working out for you? Did you get zero-percent financing on it, you middle-class dumbshit! Check out my Carrera, motherfucker! I'm a beaner and I got a Carrera! Ha-ha! I may want a second one of these, so email your Republican congressman and tell him to give me another tax break! Hoo-hoo-ha!"

"What's he doing? Can he hear you?"

"He's getting all nervous," Ramirez laughed. "That's how it is with these suckers. Anytime you see someone in a mid-size sedan, you just know he's a nervous sucker."