THE PROBLEM SOLVER

My name is Christopher X. Brodeur and I'm running for mayor of New York City.

Like you, I'm fed up and disgusted with our city government, regardless of whether it's run by Democratic crooks or Republican crooks. I also believe the voters need and want a candidate who isn't a government robot.

I'm running for mayor because if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. I can't complain about things unless I'm willing to step up and propose a better way to run NYC. And since I'm smarter than all the other mayoral candidates combined, I'm pretty much obligated to run.

As usual, none of the candidates the media are telling you about is fit to walk down the streets without handcuffs on, never mind hold public office. The media unanimously says Freddy Ferrer is a "strong candidate," just like they first told you that Bernie Kerik was a "strong candidate" to head the Office of Homeland Security.

The media's job is to whittle down your choices to two useless candidates in every election, because the weakest and most machine-approved candidates are the ones who promise to maintain government and media corruption, just like they've done for, oh, I don't know, the last 6000 years.

I'm not here to tell you how great I am. You will find no photos of me holding babies or shaking veterans' hands. All I have to offer are ideas. Really, really smart ideas.

Please note that due to space constraints, I cannot offer full details for each item on this list. This isn't even the whole list; it's just a taste. For a comprehensive list and full descriptions, please visit MayorBrodeur.org.

As my campaign begins, the media is going to smear me, just as they have during my three previous runs for mayor. They'll say I'm too "eccentric." (Do they mean compared to the last mayor, the transvestite? My motto is, "Giuliani dressed like a woman and Koch dressed like a man." Zing!)

They'll also say that I don't look like a typical politician. This is false: My ponytail is in the great tradition of Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, and it was Abe Lincoln who beat me to creative facial hair.

And of course, they'll say that I'm not qualified to be mayor—but Bush is qualified to be president? If being a corrupt government robot is what makes you qualified to be mayor, then this town needs an unqualified candidate.

Next November, you won't be voting to put me in power. You'll be voting to put you in power. I will merely be your slave at City Hall who does what you tell me you want done. You want the Jets stadium? I'll build it. Don't want the stadium? I'll stop it. That's the fundamental difference between myself and every crooked lawyer and businessman who ever became a politician and helped destroy NYC. This time, we're going to put a real human into office.

Each time they call me crazy, just remember: That's exactly what they said about Ben Franklin.

Free Subways and the death of the MTA

The MTA must be shut down. Period. Any candidate who says otherwise isn't qualified to scrub the few public toilets in town. We'll either fold the agency into the Governor's office or make the head of the new agency an elected position, so Peter Kalikow and friends are no longer immune from public anger.

I also promise to make the subways free, instantly saving us over $300 million currently wasted simply collecting the fare. It is your tax dollars—not fares—that pay for most of the subway, and fare collection is a bit like putting tollbooths on each sidewalk to raise money for sidewalk maintenance.

"How will you pay for a free subway?" is the wrong question. The question is, "What are you going to do with the $300 million a year you save us?"

No more MetroCards equals 100 percent savings on printing, distribution, maintenance and clean-up costs. Do we recycle used cards or spend millions to ship them to West Virginia to dump in a landfill? Ask George and Mike and watch them run away. Bottom line: spending $1 billion to raise $2 billion is imbecilic.

As the system becomes more "automated," the MTA is planning on spending tens of millions more just to retrofit turnstiles with the new vertical ones that you can't get a baby stroller or a bicycle through. They must be stopped before they waste all this cash. They spent hundreds of millions of your dollars only five years ago installing the new turnstiles that they are now removing. It's yet another shell game by government and their contractor pals who make millions off taxpayers, most of it fraudulently. This is why so few construction firms will be donating money to my campaign.

The reason the Staten Island Ferry is free is simply because it is cheaper to make it that way.

I promise that I won't just clean up the MTA. We're going to investigate every crooked contract they ever signed, like the $10 million overbilling scam of renovating their headquarters. My prosecutors are going to get back a few billion dollars one way or another. We're also going to prosecute the MTA from the top down. We may even be able to arrest Pataki and Katherine Lapp under current grand-larceny statutes.

Bike Lanes and Emergency Vehicle Lanes

Each avenue in Manhattan is going to get a bike/rollerblade lane at least as wide as a car lane, which will make NYC safer for bicyclists and keep bikes off the sidewalks. As an additional bonus, these wide bike lanes will double as emergency vehicle lanes, so fire trucks, cop cars and ambulances can race to an emergency 500 percent quicker. (It's easier for a bike to move out of the way of an ambulance than a car.) Bloomberg doesn't like this idea because he thinks cars should have eight lanes on an avenue, pedestrians should have up to 20 lanes on sidewalks—and rollerbladers and bicyclists should have zero lanes and should die in traffic.

Residency Law For Cops

Half the NYPD lives in Long Island. This explains why so many cops are lazy and don't do their job. Most city employees have to live in NYC by law, and cops shouldn't get an exemption. I am going to get Albany to change this law. Why? Because my plan gives us an extra 20,000 off-duty cops riding the subways at all hours. (Bloomberg's plan gives us 20,000 cops drinking in bars in Levittown.) Another bonus: If these cops' wives and daughters lived in NYC, they'd be more motivated to catch rapists and other scumbags. As it stands now, these cops don't have to care, because their loved ones are far away from the bad guys of the Big Apple.

Outlaw Deceptive Government

You could probably arrest most politicians today under current false-advertising statutes, because when a politician promises one thing on the campaign trail (like Bloomie's claim that he wouldn't use tax dollars for stadiums) and then changes their story once in power, that's classic false advertising on a massive scale.

Politicians who "change their mind" can explain it to a jury. Imagine a plumber saying, "I know I told you it would be $100, but I changed my mind later and decided it should be $500; here's the bill!"

Lying pols won't go to jail and get three free meals a day. It just wastes your tax money. My plan is to fine them big-time, seizing all their property if I have to, and make them do community service—20 to 40 hours a week—for the rest of their lives.

Hey, isn't that Guy Velella cleaning that public toilet?

Single-Payer Electricity and Telephone Service

How many New Yorkers are happy that they never get a monthly bill for the fire department and police services? Exactly 100 percent. How many New Yorkers would like to never get another phone bill or Con Ed bill? Another 100 percent.

You couldn't design a more inefficient and consumer-unfriendly design than our deregulated phone and electricity industries if you tried (and they sure have tried).

Let me remind doubters of the Great Fire of 1835, which destroyed most of downtown Manhattan. The private fire companies spent as much time fighting each other as fighting the fire. The result: we fixed the problem by creating one single-payer public fire department. Brilliant!

All Development Projects On A Referendum Ballot

I'm going to make it impossible for politicians to spend your money without your approval, whether that be spending millions of tax dollars trying to get the Olympics here (which most taxpayers don't want) or spending billions on corporate welfare and ridiculous public salaries. Freddy Bloomberg approves of the 50 percent pay raise Giuliani gave himself and the 75 percent pay raise Giuliani gave all 51 members of the City Council—but few taxpayers agree with him. I am going to put those raises on the ballot and let you decide if they should be rescinded. I'm going to put the "Freedom Tower" on the ballot and you are going to decide if you want it. Pataki said you do, so if you vote no, then poor George will be arrested for lying.

I personally want the Twin Towers rebuilt, as do most New Yorkers, and one obvious solution to people being afraid to work in the upper floors is to move all government offices into the upper floors of the building. Public servants like Hillary Clinton and Gifford Miller waste millions by putting their offices in private buildings while many public buildings sit empty.

Hillary and the rest of them are going to have nice new offices on the 99th floor of the rebuilt Twin Towers. Now ask Freddy Bloomberg what his plan is.

End The War On Drugs

When was the last time you saw two liquor-store owners shooting at each other? When was the last time you saw a 15-year-old bootlegging booze armed with a glock?

The War on Drugs has been the leading cause of murdered cops in the country. Maybe Bloomberg's slogan should be "Four More Years of Dead Police!"

Once we legalize drugs, we save billions in pointless court and jail costs. Then we can go after real criminals, since the NYPD fails to solve 80 percent of reported crime. Should I even mention the billions more I just earned you when we tax marijuana and friends?

Get Real About 9/11 and Terror

When a New York Times investigation of FDNY interviews proved the Giuliani administration lied and was indirectly responsible for the unnecessary deaths of 343 firemen, Bloomberg responded by refusing to release any more transcripts, citing "confidentiality." Yeah right, Mike—terrorists are really going to pounce if they find out that the FDNY radios were faulty and Rudy did nothing about it.

Meanwhile, the number-one expense of manpower in NYC isn't preventing terrorism or catching murderers. According to Rudy Dinkins Bloomberg, expired parking meters are a grave threat, NYC. The mayor has cops writing hundreds of thousands of parking tix a year, and not for blocking a hydrant—Mike pays cops from Long Island to do that for us—or double parking. Most of those tickets are for "criminals" who didn't feed the meter in 61 minutes! If you agree that people who don't return from shopping in 61 minutes are not public enemy number one—or two or three—then you can vote for me.

No More Horse Feces

Freddy Bloomberg believes the Capital of the World should have a certain amount of horse feces littered liberally on its sidewalks and streets. It's stupid and expensive to have cops on horseback, and I'm ending the practice and setting those horses free. The result will mean parade marchers in NYC will no longer have to stomp through tons of horseshit courtesy of the NYPD. More millions saved. If dangerous cowboys and Indians threaten to invade NYC, I will consider remounting the police.

Crackdown On Excessive Packagingand Trash

Recycling is an inefficient failure. I want to eliminate waste at its source. Under my administration, it will be illegal to sell any item in NYC in packaging that is more than 10 percent larger than the mass of the actual product. Our trash is almost all packaging, and I'm going to put an end to it so you won't have to take out the garbage half as often. More millions saved in sanitation costs.

Free Public Bathrooms

A city that forces its citizens to struggle to locate a bathroom is barbaric. City Hall could easily build these in a week, but there is no will to do it. Lord Bloomberg himself is only considering privatized pay toilets, which won't work. Poor people will still use alleyways and subway platforms as their toilets rather than pay for the privilege. Side effect: Offices will no longer have to lock their bathrooms, so you won't need a damn key to pee!

Public Clocks

I hate wearing watches because they make your wrist sweat and get in the way and are just one more thing to worry about. I also hate having to ask people what time it is. Bravo: Accurate public clocks at all major intersections and in the subways!

Single-Payer Sanitation Services

The idea of having as many as 10 different private garbage carriers go down a single block to pick up commercial waste (restaurants, stores, etc.) is, at best, idiotic. It increases traffic, pollution and noise exponentially. All sanitation services should be consolidated for efficiency.

Support For The Arts & More Public Art

Lord Bloomberg claims to love the arts, but he wants to spend more tax money on stadiums, the Olympics and giant museums that don't need or deserve any help. The arts are the number-one tourist attraction in NYC. And that's where the money will go when I'm mayor.

NYC is remarkably bland. Public art needn't even cost us a cent: There are many artists who would love to put their own art up in public spaces (with some restrictions, of course). In fact, City Hall has spent money to stop public art. In the early 1990s, there was an artist in Soho who would weld these adorable metal creatures and then attach them high up on parking-sign poles. They were in no one's way, but still the city got out the cutting torches and took them all down. I'm tired of walking down the street and seeing newspaper boxes and payphones as our only sidewalk "culture."

10 percent Ceiling On All Lease Renewals

Let the marketplace decide what you can charge on a vacant space. But allowing a landlord to hike up the rent 40 percent (or 400 percent) on a lease renewal is extortion. Small businesses are given the "choice" of destroying their business by finding a new space or destroying their business by paying whatever the landlord demands. The rent on my apartment of 14 years has gone up 100 percent while its quality has declined. I'm also creating a law that makes it impossible for you to pay more for less in any circumstance.

End Alternate-Side Parking

This plan was crazy from the start. It not only encourages litter—because people expect trash to be picked up by the trucks—it is an inefficient hindrance. We'll start with reducing alternate-side parking by half—then focus on eradicating litter instead.

Foot-Pedal Faucets

These will not only make our lives much easier and healthier, but they'll save us billions of gallons of water a year. Why do I have to touch the same knob as the last 55 people with dirty hands? Maybe my slogan should be, "Vote CXB—he's cured the common cold!"

War on Bike Theft

Cyclists are the number-one victims of crime. And I—unlike my opponents—hate crime. Freddy Bloomberg refuses to do anything about this, but I will put through a dozen measures, like GPS chips and mandatory safekeeping areas in all buildings.

War On Crappy Payphones

These things have stolen nearly a hundred dollars from me over the years, and I'm going to make that criminal. The city knew that most people wouldn't waste time to get their quarters refunded, so they put faulty phones all over town and blamed it on vandals. It also helped force people to get cell phones! How perfect!

Courtyards

Yet another unique and wasted NYC resource. There are thousands of courtyards that are nothing more than junkyards. As mayor, I will do everything in my power to change this. I will create public/private partnerships to fund clean-up and gardening, possibly even turning an existing holiday (such as the pointless "President's Day") into "Courtyard Day," where we all get out and fix up courtyards.

Separate Jury Duty Rolls From Voter Registration Rolls

Too many people use this as an excuse to not vote. They can get jury duty rolls from a thousand other sources. Problem solved.

Zero Tolerance for Government Crimes

I advocate undercover stings on all government agencies to test their compliance with the law. The NYPD, domestic violence services, welfare services—everything. Fact: Government is the number-one lawbreaker in the city today.

Public Benches Everywhere

If you think senior citizens should stand and wait for the bus, vote Bloomberg.

Slash My Salary 70 percent

The mayor of NYC should represent the people, and if he's earning $195,000 a year (the current salary), then it will be harder for him or her to understand the people. If the mayor can't live on $60,000 a year, then he must be bad at budgeting money and shouldn't be in power.

This will apply to most positions in my adminisration. Bloomberg currently pays p.r. flack Bill Cunningham $171, 000 a year for a job anyone could do for $35,000. My deputy mayors, my commissioners and the rest of my government staff will all make $60,000 or less, unlike the current $70,000 to $250,000 they currently get. Not only is this more fair and sane, but I just saved the city another small fortune.

Triple-Team Slowww Public Works Construction

I can take you out right now and show you hundreds of public works construction sites where no one is working! It's insanity easily solved. Visit my website for more details.

DMV Open On Saturdays

People who work 9 to 5 now have to take time off from work to take a road test. This is wrong and must change, even if it means closing the DMV on Tuesdays. After a trial period, I will examine opening up all city agencies that deal with the general public on Saturday.

Stop Illegal Potholes

Nobody noticed that most of NYC's potholes are manmade: Con Ed, Verizon, etc. are allowed to dig up perfect streets and do a crappy patch job that falls apart weeks later. Go outside and look if you doubt me. Then the city must patch them a second time. Enough is enough.

We're also going to hold all politicians and contractors responsible for every bit of damage a pothole has ever created over the last 20 years. (Bloomberg instead uses your tax dollars to settle lawsuits due to his and Con Ed's negligence! It's crime stacked on crime!) You got a flat tire from a pothole? You're not only going to be reimbursed for fixing your tire, you're going to get cash in punitive fines from both Con Ed and Mike Bloomberg. Have a nice day, and sorry for the inconvenience!

20,000 Trees

We like concrete, steel and asphalt, but we like trees and plants too. If elected mayor, I'll hire three times as many gardeners as we have today and have them turn the city into a floral oasis. With the money I save you by cutting out all the waste at City Hall, I'll be able to buy and plant more than 20,000 trees in less than a year. Do I have to mention that trees eat up carbon dioxide and provide oxygen? With the $176,000 Bloomberg pays Ed Skyler to lie, I could hire seven gardeners at $25,000 each.

Make Election Day A Municipal Holiday

Putting Election Day on a Tuesday in November discourages people from voting. Most people rush to work, then have to rush back to their neighborhoods to vote. I will fight to move Election Day to a weekend, but first, I will declare it a municipal holiday, and give all city workers the day off. Big catch: they get paid for the day only if they vote. I will then convince private business to do the same.

Reduce Lawsuits Against The City

I stole this idea from Comptroller Alan Hevesi: Take the $500,000,000 paid out annually to settle lawsuits against our lawless City Hall from the budgets of the sued agencies. (Currently, that money comes out of the General Tax Fund.) Not only will this plan save us $500 million a year instantly, it will begin to make the sued agencies accountable for the first time in our city's history.

No More Pesticides

The West Nile Virus was a scam. A thousand times more people die from the flu each year than this bogus "health crisis," but someone made a lot of money from spraying the entire city with poisonous gases invented by the Nazis.

Let Legal Immigrants Vote

Taxation with representation: you pay the taxes, you get some say in how they're spent. Period. Legal immigrants in NYC pay the same amount of taxes that American citizens do, yet have absolutely zero say in what happens to that money or who gets to spend it. This is wrong. We either give them the right to vote or we cut their taxes in half.

War On The INS

The Immigration & Naturalization Service detains people in prison-like conditions in NYC, and I will fight to change this.

Get Rid Of Borough Presidents

Or lower their $135,000 salaries to $40, 000. I'll put it on a referendum ballot and you'll decide.

Teach Chess In All Schools

We teach our kids physical competition from the start, but we don't teach them intellectual competition, and as a result, we get far too much physical bravado and almost no mental bravado. Kids should be encouraged to kick ass with their minds. Debate and chess classes will be mandatory. Ditto music and piano classes.

Skylight Law

I'd like to create a law that all new buildings need to have a certain number of skylights. They provide natural light (saving money), passive solar power and are also simply an esthetic delight.

Kiss The Blue Wall Of Silence Goodbye

To this day, good cops complain about the mob mentality of the NYPD, where you're not allowed to bust bad cops. I'm not only going to protect whistleblowers, but I'm going to give them financial rewards if they help stamp out corruption. I'm also creating the harshest penalties for anyone who ignores a whistleblower or tries to mess with them.

Ban Presidential Motorcades In NYC

As mayor, I will not tolerate any foolish inconvenience of the taxpayers. If the president of the U.S.A. wants to travel to the U.N., he's going to have to do it in a single, customized, undercover Brinks truck. If that's not glamorous enough for him, he can go back to the private sector, work a real job and buy himself a nice limousine.

Three-Legged Tables

I bet you've been in a restaurant with wobbly tables many times, just like me. Do you have any idea how easy it is to solve this forever? Three-legged tables can't physically wobble! As you can see for yourself in many restaurants around town. Take a look!

Ban Car Alarms

This is another trendy issue that I've been screaming about for 15 years, because it's always been quite obvious that car alarms are another big fat lie. In fact, they're totally counterproductive: When we hear one go off, we pray that a crook is stealing the car! Maybe that's why grand larceny went up last year under Lord Bloomberg.

Clean Drinking Fountains Everywhere

Bloomberg would rather you buy water from Snapple.

Take-Out Menu Boxes

Why do they throw those menus all over the floor? Because there is nowhere else to put them! My plan (already successfully in use in some buildings) is to make sure that all building foyers have a clear plastic take-out menu box. Bam!

Make All Curbs Wheelchair Accessible

Bloomberg tried to settle a lawsuit from the days when Giuliani violated all handicap laws, but they're still refusing to make thousands of curbs wheelchair accessible, though it takes only a lump of asphalt and 20 minutes. And fix the damn bus lifts.

More Pedestrian Malls

Times Square is a disaster. I'm reducing car lanes to two or three total, and the rest will be a beautiful pedestrian mall. Bloomberg thinks cars come first. I don't.

Casino Riverboats

Rudy Pataki said that gambling is illegal in NYC, but I guess that excludes Lotto, OTB, the Stock Market and crossing the street in Midtown. When we put a casino on Governor's Island or next to it, we'll generate another windfall that'll lower your taxes even further.

Plant Fruit Trees Throughout The City

I'm not sure if this will work, but I'm going to look into it.

Better Lotteries

More winners with smaller prizes. Check out the details on this one at MayorBrodeur.org!

Magazine Racks On Subway Platforms

When you finish your magazines, instead of throwing them in the trash, you would simply place them on the public magazine racks on every subway platform so others could read them.

Repopularize Murphy Beds

Why the hell aren't these in every apartment? Futons are unwieldy and stupid.

Make The Dept. Of Investigation Independent

How can this agency police City Hall when it's run by City Hall?

Neat Flyer Kiosks Around Street Poles

No one should have to tape their flyers sloppily on light poles or elsewhere.

Destroy The Rent Guidelines Board

This is another phony "independent" board that is outrageously crooked. They don't base rent hikes on landlords' profits, but rather their "operating costs," yet when oil prices go up, they raise rents brutally and when oil prices go down, they raise rents only slightly less brutally.

Stop Crazy Taxi Drivers

The city charged ridiculously dumb amounts of money for a limited number of taxi medallions (which allow you to run a yellow cab) through foolish auctions—some cost as high as $400,000, which is obscene, because the result is that the owners raise the leasing rates to the drivers, who then have to drive 12-hour shifts and drive extra aggressive so they can average $6 an hour! (It's yet another sleazy way the city tries to raise money to cover its reckless debts.) The city doesn't need that small amount of money very badly, so I'm refunding 50 percent of every medallion's cost with the caveat that the owner must now cut his lease price to the cabbies! Then, cabbies would pay $50 a day instead of $100 a day to lease a cab, and that would remove most of the incentive for them to stay on the roads too long or dare jumping five car lanes to pick up a fare.

Christopher X. Brodeur will officially announce his candidacy Monday, Jan. 24, at 2 p.m. at a press conference in front of City Hall.