By C.J. Sullivan vs. Dave Hollander

SULLIVAN: While the Trojans rest up for their Jan. 4th showdown with the Texas Longhorns, the Jets continue one of their darkest seasons. When a season goes bad in football it goes bad fast, and the games becomes almost torturous to watch. Torture—that is what it is like to watch the 2005 Jets.

I wonder how head coach Herm Edwards keeps going. How he doesn’t run screaming from watching the Jets is amazing. Watching this team on television is depressing. Once quarterback Chad Pennington went down, the team just gave up. The season was as dead as Pennington’s arm.

The USC Trojans would rock the Jets if they played right now. QB Matt Leinart would pick apart the Jets’ D and Reggie Bush would run wild. The Jets drafting Bush—it probably won’t happen—is the only cheer left for bereft Jet fans. The Trojans are one hell of a team and I would give them 7 points if they played the inept Jets.

HOLLANDER: You’re delusional.

The Jets play in the NFL, you idiot. In the NFL there’s no soft homecoming against Washington State. There’s no “getting psyched” for the next game with a moronic LenDale White fake suicide stunt. And there’s surely no nauseating, syrupy nuzzling between Leinart and his perfectly blonde girlfriend, Brynne Cameron. In the NFL, there’s one immutable fact of life: concussions. That would be all the USC collegians would dis-remember if they played the New York Jets.

One shot to earhole from Jonathan Vilma, and Leinart’s wishing he could hide his little pussy for another precious year in PAC-10. Being from New Brunswick, NJ automatically makes sophomore receiver Dwayne Jarrett tough, but after the first good lick from Pro Bowl hit man Ty Law, young Jarrett will go down faster than a Pasadena crack whore. And the USC O-line won’t be opening up holes for Reggie Bush against Dewayne Robertson and Shaun Ellis quite the same way they did against, say, the vaunted Hawaii Rainbows.

If Fresno State can run up 52 points against the Trojan defense, what do you think an NFL offense will do? There’s no way USC d-backs could contain Laveranues Coles or Justin McCareins. Brooks Bollinger and Kliff Klingsbury may sound like characters out of a Thomas Hardy novel but they’ve passed for almost 1,000 yards between them against NFL defenses this year.

On average, there’s about a 50-pound per player differential between the Jets and USC. Like you at a NAMBLA weekend, it would truly be men playing with boys.

Finally C.J., if you know anything about New York sports, you know Pete Carroll can’t win a Jets game.

SULLIVAN: See, now, I know I got you because you resort to name calling—the refuge of all intellectually challenged miscreants.

Let’s start with your insane screed about this team of NFL losers. First, the Jets get concussions; this bunch does not give them. They hit as hard as you do. They are laying down this season, and are a safe bet to finish among the NFL's worst. This is vintage Kotite-era Jets football.

Leinart is a better QB than Bollinger. Ask any NFL GM right now whom would he want for next season and see how they answer. The backup QB on USC, John Davis Booty, is probably better than our man Brooks. But I do love Bollinger's name. Rather than the hero of a Thomas Hardy novel, I see him as Brooks Bollinger—Private Eye.

Hollander, even a lame homer like yourself can see this Jets ship be sinkin'. Herm Edwards can't even close out press conferences. The Jets are hard to watch and even harder to talk about. I know you had to dig down deep to find any good things to say about this version of the Jets.

And that you resort to your former club, NAMBLA, is just disgusting. The next time we are in the sports booth together, I will see to it that the other sportswriters know of your strange hobbies.

I love Curtis Martin. Martin is the best halfback ever to grace a New York football stage. But Martin is out for the season.

That the Planes outweigh the Trojans by 50 pounds apiece is moot. The Planes have lost all desire to play football—never mind to win. The team has quit. They are a disgrace, and the Trojans would beat them like they stole something should they ever meet. The Planes would bully and push, but I think that Bush and co. would outlast them. That the USC D is weak is also a non-issue. The Planes have no O so any D would be fine.

The wake continues at the Meadowlands, Dave. Open a pint of whiskey, spill a little for the hopes of the summer and lament the end of this team. The day Chad went down you could feel the spirit being drained out of this team.

Hollander, the Planes have not won a football game for over two months. That is a lifetime in football.

HOLLANDER: I have this vision of you at home, alone, with your brand new electric football set. You meticulously paint the USC cardinal and gold and Jets green and white onto the tiny figurines. Then you line up the toy players in the “defense” and the “offense” formations. With one hand buried in bag of Cheetos and the other itching for another sip of Yoo-Hoo, you gleefully turn on the vibrating aluminum football field. “Yeah, C.J. is the boss in this game. Tonight, C.J. says who wins and loses!” Like a castrated Brent Musberger, you squeal the play-by-play: “Leinart hands to Bush. Bush runs left. He sees an opening!”

C.J., you sad little man with your little games. Is this how you come up with your make-believe football world?

In the best year of their school’s history, maybe 20% of the USC starters make it to the NFL whereas 100% of the Jets are NFL football players. Do you see the difference?

The Jets would not only beat USC but would handle an entire team of college All-Americans. Frankly, it’s unfair to put the NCAA’s USC on the same field as the NFL’s New York Jets.

An NFL general manager may very well take Leinart over Bollinger, but in a game it’s not quarterback vs. quarterback. It’s quarterback vs. defense. Leinart would be playing against the Jets defense, which is ranked 17th in the NFL, ahead of 15 other teams including NFL playoff contenders like Seattle, Cincinnati, Denver, Kansas City and the Giants. Edwards may have lost his quarterback and center, but he still coordinates a pretty hard defense.

So, you see, your fantasy football-style analysis doesn’t quite work with real football.

USC is a damn good college football team. But if Reggie Bush doesn’t illegally push Matt Leinart across the goal line against Notre Dame, they’re just another BCS headache.