Nat Hentoff’s departure from the new, corporate Voice, and his subsequent installation as a Press columnist.
The NYPD enforcing the smoking ban by increased skull-cracking and fine-issuing at faux-junkie bars in the East Village and other occupied territories, while giving a free pass to at least three specially designated “green zone” diners in Manhattan, where a man can light up and enjoy his coffee without having to choose between nicotine and caffeine.
A beneficent mastermind placing Voice cartoonist Ted Rall and Post columnist Steve Dunleavy in a barbed-wire cage match, where the winner has to eat the corpse of the loser. No matter the winner, Post columnist of the year Andrea Peyser is tarred and feathered.
“I’m Alan Partridge,” Steve Coogan’s brilliant comedy—probably the best and funniest television show in history—getting a prime-time slot on American TV.
Wes Anderson being forcibly committed to rehab for precocious whimsy-addiction.
Mike Weber splitting in half, leaving Jack Fabulous free to emerge.
Librarians defending civilized society by smacking around unruly kids and troublemakers who spout off and take up more than their fair share of tables meant for common use. And more librarian porn novels.
Public toilets, damnit.
Joe Torre and Dusty Baker both being fired, and the two then living together in fat suits. They are told this is part of a Fox reality show; in fact it’s the work of bitter-but-clever Cubs and Mets fans. Post columnist of the year Andrea Peyser being impregnated by fellow hack Steve Dunleavy in a seemingly unrelated event.
LONG overdue and well-deserved execution of Mumia, followed by abolition of loathsome death penalty.
Conor Oberst getting SARS.
Governor Pataki being referred to as “Jim-boy” in public by President Bush, realizing he has no chance of being elected president, and chopping off his pinky on national television.
Zadie Smith writing a novel (Kinky Hair) about a Sikh Eskimo set loose in the Hasidic rave scene, where identities converge and pullulate to tragicomic ends.
Woody Allen and Norman Mailer in a barbed-wire cage match to the death where the winner has to eat the corpse of the loser. No matter the winner, Post columnist of the year Andrea Peyser is tarred and feathered. Or forced to do it with Judy Miller. Whichever.
The imposition of a massive and progressively-structured national energy-consumption tax in place of the income tax. Seriously.
Schools that won’t allow military recruiters because it aggrieves their consciences announcing that they also won’t take cash from Saudi princes.
An hour in the closet with Andrea Peyser for any reporter referring to John McCain as a “maverick.”
Jonathan Safran Foer writing a novel about the Great Terror (Love, or The Disenchanted Mustache), in which a plucky fetus learns that life is about living, that apples make applesauce and that blaming Stalin, rather than the sadness that caused Stalin, just doesn’t make any damn sense.
Councilmanics’ attempts to repeal term limits being met with pitchforks and torches.
Children following Our Jim Knipfel’s swell advice, and realizing that smoking is cool—it’s cell phones that aren’t.
Senators Lieberman and Clinton discovering gonzo-porn online, leading to salacious, straight-faced hearings wherein they decry the impact of the enema milkshake on the sanctity of the American family.
Democrats using the fallout from the Tom DeLay scandal to turn House races into referenda on gerrymandering.
Newly corporate village voice proves superior, to old “scrappy” warhorse. Marxists recant, hippies rend garments and tear remaining hair. We smirk.
Swift and merciless destruction of all the Dolans, even unto their genetic code, proves to even the most dedicated non-believers that God is indeed a Knicks fan.
Philip Roth wins the Nobel Prize for dashed-off roman a clef Unilateralism, which is mistakenly read as critique on war in Iraq, but is in fact about sex.
Hiring of Press Contributing Everything A.R. Brook Lynn to replace Andrea Peyser as Post columnist of the year.
