By Chelsea Rudman

Is anyone else banging their head against the wall trying to keep tabs on the “mafia cops?” First, they get convicted. Then, they attack their lawyers for incompetency. Then, they’re off the hook because the allegedly bumbling lawyers found a loophole. A review of the less-than-organized crime circus:

Act One: Former NYPD detectives Louis Eppolito and Stephen Caracappa are found guilty of abetting eight murders for the mob. Italian names a dead giveaway.

Act Two: Eppolito attempts to overturn the verdict by accusing his lawyer, Bruce Cutler, of botching the defense, saying Cutler ignored him and refused to let him testify. Cutler: “I would have tackled him to stop him from taking the stand.”

Act Three: Good call, Cutler. Eppolito’s testimony at Cutler’s hearing last week included a vow that he would lie in court to help his case. He also protested that he’s “not a violent guy” nanoseconds after saying he’d like to attack a man with a hatchet. Um, hello?

Act Four: So Judge Jack Weinstein—surprise—exonerates Cutler. Then the judge—actual surprise!—scraps the verdict because of a five-year federal statue of limitations; the murders were committed 1986-91. Did anyone look into that before the trial? 

Stay tuned for Act Five; both men will be tried on charges of drug dealing and money laundering. Goody-goody. Get me more popcorn.