I’ve been obese all my life and designed all my life around my obesity: always reading, not going out, working at my local parish. One day I decided I wanted to lose weight; I became conscious of what I ate and the pounds just started to melt away! I hadn’t realized my accomplishment until my own mother didn’t recognize me and walked right by me at the supermarket! Suffice to say, I lost all my friends because they said everyone looked at me now, leaving nothing for them! I was heartbroken until my parents urged me to stop crying over people who were so blatantly jealous of me and that I should go out and live the life I had never lived with their blessings. And then my father added: “You don’t only look normal now; you look gorgeous! Why didn’t you do this earlier?” All my life I dreamed to be able to see my favorite band live on stage and then maybe try my luck backstage but was always ashamed of the way I looked. Even though I am proud of my looks today, I dread that my dad is right. I think I’m way too old for daring to pose as a groupie backstage. I’m 32 going on 33, (but I’ve been told I look much younger). Do you still I got a chance of realizing my dream even if it is for just one time?

—Hopeful

Congrats for shedding your extra weight. It not only looks better and makes one feel sexier, it is healthier to have a normal weight. You already proved to yourself you can accomplish things you set your mind to, so trying to meet a favorite band should be a breeze compared to losing lots of weight. Start out trying to meet a couple local bands and see how they react to you. If that goes over well, why not try for your favorite band? You only live once.  

Will a lady get pregnant by fucking at her back (anal or oral) not vagina? I want to fuck my girl but she should not get pregnant, please suggest a good idea.

Are you for real? Put a raincoat on your cock, dumb ass.

I have been seeing a girl recently, and things have gone well. Now, like any other red-blooded male, I feel a desire to mark my territory. I’ve tried the basics, leaving watches behind, etc., but I feel I should do something more permanent. Taking cues from mother nature, I’m considering marking my territory with urine (not just leaving a few drops on her toilet seat, I mean pissing on her door). Do you think this is appropriate in this day and age? Or is my testosterone-driven agenda clouding my rational thought process? If I decide to go ahead, where would be the best place to do it? 

—Territorial Tom

I think that’s a brilliant idea. Wait until really late at night when you kiss your sweetie good-bye then whip it out and piss all around her building. Not her front door as that would end up smelling like Grand Central Station after a while. Just on her building or in her yard. Just knowing you marked your territory will give you an extra shot of confidence, an extra spring in your step, which is an irresistible trait. Try not to get caught since that could result in making her sick or even worse, turning her on.

I just finished reading your response to the guy who thinks he doesn’t produce enough sperm when he ejaculates. I have the opposite condition: When I come, it’s like a geyser, and it doesn’t matter if I’ve had lots of masturbation or sex. Every woman I’ve ever been with is startled after having sex with me for the first time; they can’t believe that I have come so much and wonder if I had not orgasmed for days or weeks before having sex with them. In your response to “Little Load Larry,” you said that shooting such heavy loads isn’t normal. So is there something wrong with me?

—Big Load Al

No, nothing’s “wrong” at all, it’s just that you are juicier. You should maybe go into porn—just kidding. If the women get freaked out, just say, “Wow, I usually don’t come so much, you do this to me baby…” and they’ll think of it as a compliment rather than as an inconvenience or wet freak show. But don’t take it personally if none of them can swallow your tide without pausing a few times.