I am livid. I caught my fiancé cheating on me a week after he proposed to me. Is it unethical to ask you for advice on how to get revenge? I need it bad.

—Hell-Bent Halle

There is one web site out there where you can post naked pictures of your ex boyfriend, have a look: http://www.nakedpicturesofmyexboyfriend.com. My current flame always says “revenge is best served cold,” as in, if you tried to get back at him too fast, he would know it was you. So take your time planning your revenge and let it rip when it’s ready to serve. You could do what Samantha from “Sex and the City” did and photocopy the naked pictures and post them all around his work building and neighborhood and write something on the photocopy like “Bob Is A Shit Sticker” (gay), or something else clever like that. However, the best response is no response. Try to find something constructive to do with your rage, like blow his best friend, or his Dad (have a heart: only if Dad is single).

My boyfriend (in his twenties) is much older than me (in my teens). We had sex the other night in the park and I was wondering if a guy fucks you up the ass and he’s not wearing a condom and he cums up there what will happen? I mean, I couldn’t get pregnant could I? I am scared now.

—Bobby-Jo

First of all, is his name R. Kelly per chance? If so, expect to see a video of your romp online in the near future. Trying not to pass judgment here, but he sounds a bit too advanced/old for you. There are no reproductive organs up your poop shoot, so relax. You can’t get pregnant from anal sex. You should always use condoms, no matter what hole you are “celebrating,” especially anal sex. 

I have been dating a girl for four months. Our sex life is great. I have no complaints except for kissing. I love to kiss, and she is a terrible kisser. She opens her mouth too wide and uses only her tongue. I have tried different things like asking her to hold her mouth still and let me kiss her, hoping she can see how I like to kiss. It didn’t work. I know everyone kisses differently, but I hate kissing her and am losing one of my favorite parts of being in a relationship. What do I do?

—Good Guy

Sorry, but if she can’t learn to kiss you properly, it’s a deal breaker. Kissing is super important. You have to enjoy it and even like their smell and taste in order for it to work. You’ve tried to teach her, she is too stubborn/dumb/thick to catch on, so she’s gotta go. If you can’t bear to leave her, make the best of her wide mouth and eager tongue and introduce her to your balls.

My boyfriend (of 11 months) and I finally broke up after an intense, passionate but havoc-ridden relationship. I know he loves me as much as I love him, but jealousy (from his side) drove us apart. Only 10 days after our break, I called to say hello and check up on him (read: get him back) and a girl answered his phone (it was 2 a.m.). The next day he emailed me and said, “You woke us up. Yes, she is my new girl, and she’s perfect for me.” I’m shocked by the thought that he can move on so quickly. I was sure we were just on a break; I didn’t think it was the break. How fast does it take for most people to move on? Are all men heartless turds?

—Ms. Venice

You sound gutted, like someone ripped your heart out. Welcome to love. Love is like a dream, it hurts the most when you wake up. It usually takes women longer to get over a heartbreak. Men dull the pain with beer, friends and new pussy. The good thing is, once the woman is finally over the man, it really is history. After the novelty of the fresh meat and beer wears off, the men tend to get sentimental and try to get their ex back. I smell foul play in your situation. Sounds like he had been working on this other girl for a while, as nobody lets a person they just met answer their phone. He met, fell for and got that close within two weeks? Bullshit. Just move on. If you can be that easily replaced, you should be happy you got that jealous (he was probably so jealous because he was up to no good), lying asshole out of your life. Think: “Next!”