On a recent Saturday night, I went sailing on the Hudson. At around midnight, the Statue of Liberty glowed to my left while Billy Holiday crooned “Good Morning Heartache.” It was an odd song for the position I was in—supine on a bench, with a woman’s face between my legs and the fingers of a man creeping beneath my seashell bra. I held onto the edge of the boat, while a crew guy hoisted the sail, passing a rope over my chest. I grabbed the rope and considered grabbing him. Instead I laughed ecstatically, gazing at the canvas billows above, vainly aware that I was experiencing something that most people only fantasize about. When I tell people that I regularly experience some kind of group sex, they invariably ask, “Aren’t you worried about disease?” “Frankly, no,” I tell them. “Do you worry about having a car accident every time you drive?”
I practice safe sex just as I practice safe driving. But what exactly is “safe”? According to New York sex educator Marcia Baczynski, a lot of people don’t know what it means to be safe. Some still think putting on a condom halfway through intercourse (or just before cumming) is enough. Safe sex is no more about using condoms than safe driving is about wearing a seat belt. Proper usage, like pinching the tip to prevent bursting and using only water-based lubricants, makes a significant difference in protection. And condoms are not just for penises. They can and should be used on toys, especially if the dildo is being passed around like a baton at a sex marathon.
Safety is often a question of degree. Play parties, swingers’ events, or anything of the sort necessitate a higher level of precaution. Latex on everything is a good idea: on penises, toys and hands. Using gloves and finger cots (like mini-condoms for fingers), dental dams or just plain saran wrap will not only ensure the safest sex, but shows good manners. Some people would cringe at the thought of digging their unwashed hands into the salad bowl at a dinner party, but have no qualms about sticking their cum-covered fingers into a fresh cunt. Erotic Etiquette 101: wash your hands before and after you touch somebody’s salad, use mouthwash before and after you eat, and don’t use the same utensil for different orifices. Furthermore, never undermine the power of self-stimulation. One of my hottest sexual experiences involved three other people, all strumming our own instruments.
Masturbation is as safe as you can get without sacrificing pleasure. Oral sex, however, is debatable. The Society for Human Sexuality states: “It is clear that the risk of transmitting HIV is much, much lower for unprotected oral sex than for unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse, and that the risk is much lower for the person being sucked or licked than for the person doing the sucking or licking. For the person doing the sucking or licking, the risk of transmission is lower if your gums (and lips/mouth/throat) are healthy, if you don’t let men come in your mouth, and if you don’t perform cunnilingus on a woman while she is menstruating.” Good to know.
As for the other STI’s (sexually transmitted infections—a new, less frightening label), none of them will kill you, although some may cause serious complications such as infertility and cancer if left untreated. Because so many cases are asymptomatic, regular testing is essential if you’re not in a mutually monogamous relationship. Sadly, the American Social Health Association reports that less than half of adults between the ages of 18 and 44 have been tested for a STI other than HIV. There are free clinics in New York, so there’s no excuse not to get tested at least once a year and more often (every three to four months) if you have multiple partners.
Whether you’re doing it one-on-one or in a group, casual sex is risky. If A has unprotected intercourse with C, and B has safe sex with the entire rest of the alphabet, A is the one who should be running to the clinic. “If you’re gonna be a slut, own it,” says Baczynski. “There’s no shame in it, and you’re showing you care to all your partners. It’s like riding a motorcycle...whether you ride once or hundreds of times, it’s still a good idea to put on your helmet!”
Almost everything in life has a risk. If you eat, you might choke. If you drive, you might crash. If you fall in love, you might have your heart broken. Living in fear is not the answer. Using judgment appropriate to the situation is the key. When in doubt, remember that no fluid exchange is the safest sex. Wear your seat belt. Use condoms. Don’t drive or fuck drunk. Get tested. Seeing Miss Liberty on that lascivious night reminded me of my sexual freedom. And I don’t have to be reckless to enjoy it.
