I like to practice safe sex, but almost every time I have sex, the condom rips. I have had many sleepless nights worrying about getting pregnant, AIDS or some other type of STD. What am I doing wrong? Are there condoms that won’t tear?                                                 

–Petrified Patty

It could be that the guy you are with isn’t getting you wet enough. The condom tears when your snatch isn’t lubricated. So take your time with foreplay. Lots of kissing, anticipation and a little oral get your juices flowing. To be sure, carry some lube with you, like KY Jelly in a tiny inconspicuous container so it won’t be so obvious (if you aren’t shy, whip out a big tube of gel and lather up). Take a tiny amount of gel and wet your lips (you know what lips I mean). If you put too much on it, the condom may slip off inside of you and that’s not safe either. Don’t save money on condoms, buy a well-known (and already lubricated) brand. If he moans about the lube process, tell him he should spend more time making you wet and you wouldn’t have to bring your own juice.

My girl can’t suck my dick properly. I showed her videos and she still doesn’t do it right. Would I be out of line leaving her because of that?

–Oral O’Brien

If you left her for that, karma would kick you in the balls big time. Just take her index finger and suck, lick and stroke it just like you would want her to treat your rod. She will be able to feel how you like it.

I am from America and have been living in London for about a month and finally met a girl. We haven’t gotten down and dirty yet, but we talk about it a lot on the phone. I am circumcised like all American men and I know from talking to my buddies over here that they are all uncut. I am afraid to whip out my dick in front of this British girl. She said she has never been with an American man before, so how should I go about showing her my snipped sausage without freaking her out? I am really nervous and need help fast.

–Butchered Brian

First of all, think positive. You can’t grow the skin back or by a new one, so what’s done is done. Stand by your man, and be very confident that she will love  it. If you present it like it’s a freaky thing, she may panic. Don’t say a thing about it, just stick to your regular make out routine and if she mentions it, just make a little joke and say “our Mom’s are so afraid that we won’t keep our pecker skin clean, that they cut it off to prevent any dick cheese from growing.” She may love your cock because it’s different for her. The “grass is always greener” theory could actually work in your favor.

I’ve been married for almost five years now. Everything was great except our sex life. I feel we don’t do it as much as we did in the beginning. We only do it once a month and I feel like he isn’t as attracted to me as he used to be. We talked about how I feel a few times and he says he loves me and that he is just tired. To make a long story short, I gave my coworker a blowjob in my car and my husband walked up to the car and saw it. I was drunk, which is no excuse, and I still don’t know why I did it. I have never done anything like that before and now my husband won’t talk to me; he said I am no longer his wife. I am only in the house because of our son. I know what I did is unacceptable, but I beg for him to take me back. We had an agreement before we got married not to fuck anyone else, but I broke my promise. How can I get my husband back?

Tell him to lighten up! Hillary Clinton forgave Bill for getting a blowjob. You did not break your promise if it was not to fuck anyone else. Oral sex isn’t fucking. We are all human, and sometimes these things happen. True love should be able to withstand a few mistakes. Write him a letter and tell him “it may be hard for you to trust me again, but please believe that I love you and that it was just a physically weak moment, a point where my lack of sex was too much to bear.” Make sure you emphasize these points: he was not giving it to you often enough even though you kept asking; even the president was forgiven after an oral sex affair; you love him and would forgive him if that happened to him; sex is not love; you love him and the other guy was just a drunken mistake. Remember that nobody is perfect, but don’t forget the saying, “what will be, will be.”