If you’re the type of woman who enjoys seeing men in various states of undress, or the type of man who enjoys seeing men in various states of undress, of if you just like objectifying men regardless of whether you have a penis or a vagina, then the annual Mr. Lower East Side Pageant will make your wet dreams come true. Picture the quest to find Ms. Universe but right here in our own backyard, and probably minus all the silicon and bikini waxes. The audience judges the contestants to see which lucky winner will receive the coveted crown: complete with a detachable bong, as well as a slice of pizza from Rosario’s and a six-pack of Budweiser. What else could a man possibly want? Contestants don’t have to be residents of the L.E.S., but they do have to be willing to participate in a swimsuit competition, an eveningwear competition, a talent show and an eviscerating Q&A. For those who don’t have that Mr. Lower East Side je ne sais quoi, there’s always Mr. Congeniality and prizes for “Best Man Boobs” and “Best Nutsack.” In addition to all the luscious man parts on display, check out local band The New York Howl, who’ll appease (or further excite) impatient viewers while the votes are being counted. Hosted by Reverend Jen—with surprise celebrity judges and performers—the Mr. Lower East Side Pageant offers something for everyone—except maybe those persnickety Upper East Siders.

October 18. Cake Shop, 152 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-253-0036; 8, free. (To participate show up by 6:45 or email revjen@revjen.com.)