I used to have a girlfriend, but she dumped me because my penis was too small. I had another girlfriend shortly after that, but she dumped me for the same reason. I am looking for a long-term relationship, but I wonder if it'll ever happen. Judging from these experiences and past letters to your column, it seems all women care about is a guy with a huge penis! This is making me so freakin’ annoyed! Are there girls out there who don’t care about the size of a guy’s penis and will love him for who he is? 

—Muffin Man

Single moms don’t seem to give a shit about a man’s cock size. I suggest you “shop around” with these women in mind. Single mom’s know that genital size doesn’t matter that much but having a father figure and loving companion does. I only know a handful of women that care about the size and the sex; most want a generous, funny, polite, attentive, sober man around who will rub their feet now and then. So I guess you have just met the wrong ladies lately; don’t give up.

Should I refrain from masturbating the night before playing sports? I’ve heard it lowers your performance.

—Zomby Woof

If you are just “playing sports,” it doesn’t matter. If you are competing professionally, avoid snapping your carrot for one or two nights before the big game—it takes away your edge. We all know how men look after they cum; they are useless wads of Silly Putty.

I’m having a slight problem here ... I have about one month to get rid of a bad self-image. A man I care very much about is coming to my place for a week to visit. Problem is, I hate the way I look. Having a baby nearly killed me, but now I’m 80 pounds lighter after a lot of hard work. Still, I’m not comfortable with how I look. How in the hell do I get over this before next month? 

—Big Leg Emma

Humor makes everything better. Always keep that in mind. Funny people are irresistible, even if they aren’t  “gorgeous.” Don’t be nervous or talk too much, that will make him know something is up. Just breathe deep and let him do most of the talking. Have some wine and candles around for when you two get cozy; offer to massage his shoulders; ask him to massage your feet (word: pedicure!). After a glass or two of wine, you will both feel more relaxed. Wear things that flatter your figure; men aren’t as picky as you think they are. If you blow him, do it the best you can (use your hand and suck at the same time)—he will fall for you big time. If you give a man great head, he won’t give a fuck about cellulite. Never apologize for your figure. You could, however, make a tiny joke about it sometime. Say, “I am a whole lotta woman,” or something similar; it shows you are cool about your self-image and have a sense of humor, and that is sexy.

I have a rubber panty fetish. I wear them everyday and want to know if this means I am mentally ill or if I should feel ashamed, etc. I am a Christian man and want to know if it is possible to have such a fetish and still be a wholesome Christian. I simply cannot change; I am addicted to the feel and thought of wearing these naughty garments.

—Disco Boy

We start out in life wearing rubber panties and end life wearing rubber panties (old people get them when they can’t control their bowels anymore). So why not wear them in between, too? I own several pairs of rubber pants and dresses and I know for a fact that they make you sweat. How can your balls survive in such temperatures? Anyways, I looked in the Bible and “Thou shall not wear rubber panties” isn’t in there—so go for it.

One of my balls is bigger than the other. I once saw a man get an implant on a TV show. Do you think if I get one, women will notice when they squeeze them? Is it expensive and painful?

—St. Alfonzo

Since that is your most vulnerable area, of course it will hurt. It will surely be expensive, say around $2000 per ball. I really doubt it’s worth all the hassle. If you had one removed due to cancer, then your lovers might notice. But if one is just bigger than the other, they probably won’t. I mean come on, how much time do women really spend analyzing balls?