The first time I heard the term polyamorous, I was on a date with a guy who was simultaneously on a date with another woman. There was some confusion as to whether or not it was actually a date, but it sure seemed like one when he bought us drinks, sat in between us at the bar and gave us equal conversational attention. It crossed my mind that he might be trying to set up a threesome. When she went to the restroom, I asked him bluntly, “Is she bisexual?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I haven’t known her very long. Why do you ask?” “Well,” I replied. “This situation is a little odd … why did you invite both of us?” “I didn’t think you were interested,” he said. “And I had already invited her before you said you were coming.” “I’m dating someone, but I’m not a fan of monogamy,” I said. “You mean, you’re polyamorous?” He said. “Poly what? What exactly does that mean?” I asked. “It’s the opposite of monogamy. Multiple partners.” “Oh, then I suppose I am … what you just said.”
That was two years ago. Since then I have identified, more or less, as polyamorous. When I mention this to people, they usually assume I’m a swinger, if not a heretic. Polyamory isn’t just about juggling multiple sex partners. The definitions vary, but generally speaking, polyamory refers to multiple love relationships, whereas swinging typically revolves around uncommitted, emotionally detached, recreational sex. Literally meaning “many loves,” polyamory includes: couples who have secondary committed relationships, triads, quads, group marriage, open marriage, intimate networks and singles with multiple romantic partners. Whatever the configuration, the common defining elements of polyamory (also known as responsible non-monogamy) are honesty, openness and consent among all parties. Liars and cheaters need not apply.
Most people find it shocking that there’s actually an ethical way to have your cake and eat it too. I never had the desire to be a deceitful whore. I enjoy play parties and casual sex, but I’ve always craved romantic connections with more than one person. So I’ve had open relationships and erotic friendships. I’ve been simultaneously in love with two men. I’ve been in love with a man and a woman at the same time. I’ve carried on multiple relationships while feeling strong bonds with exes and peripheral lovers. I can’t say that it’s been easy, but throughout all these experiences, I’ve tried to be as honest as possible. Like many poly people, I was polyamorous long before I knew there was a name for it. Birgitte Philippides, a thirty-something artist residing in the West Village, has been polyamorous all her life, but officially only in the last three and a half years. She says, “There is one model in society for relationships—monogamy. The other is cheating … it’s more socially acceptable for me to have a boyfriend and cheat on him than it is for me to openly love more than one person.”
Many polyamorists remain closeted for that reason: not only is it more acceptable to cheat, it’s more acceptable to be gay than for a straight guy to have a wife and a girlfriend. Justen Michael Bennett-MacCubbin, the founder of the group Polyamorous NYC, says, “Saying you’re not interested in the traditional monogamous relationship is a significant burden, especially when children are involved … It challenges other people’s ideas of what a relationship can be. It’s so far from their understanding that it’s scary for them. We, however, embrace an idea that we view as slightly different, but much more honest and realistic to actual human behavior.”
Despite the hostilities poly people face in a mono world, they are generally accepting of monogamy if it’s done by choice and practiced responsibly. Swinging is a positive alternative to deceitful fear-based monogamous facades, but it can be emotionally limiting. Another downfall of the swinger scene is that women are highly valued as a commodity, while bisexual and gay men are often unwelcome. Although some poly folk are into swinging, you won’t find this kind of imbalance in the poly community. “One of the distinguishing features between swinging, polygamy and polyamory is that polyamory really values gender diversity,” says Bennett-MacCubbin. It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, lesbian, gay, straight, bisexual or transgender. “There are a lot of different shades of poly,” he says.
Polyamory has a lot of advantages, but it can get complicated. What about jealousy? Isn’t one relationship time-consuming enough? How do you schedule all your lovers into your life so no one feels left out? These are the FAQ’s of polyamory. There are no definitive answers. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Is this just a revival of hippie free love? No—the difference is responsibility. You have to be willing to confront your fears and become a master of communication. “It’s not just about multiple booty calls and doing whatever you want. It’s about agreements you make with your partners, honoring those agreements and having integrity in relationships,” says Philippides.
When I learned there was an official term for how I was living my lust life, I confess I was slightly disappointed to discover that I was not unique in my libertine ways. That’s a minor tradeoff. At least now I know there’s a community of people who don’t think I’m crazy for eating my cake and loving it too.
See me in the flesh on Sunday, October 22, 6 p.m. at Cornelia Street Café (29 Cornelia St.) in a reading of “Deep Inside, Extreme Erotic Fantasies,” by Polly Frost.
