Glad your ass can live in peace now, but the neighbors seem to have picked up where your anal-happy ex-boyfriend left off. No matter where you move, there will usually be one annoying as fuck neighbor around to test your patience in one way or another, but this raunchy routine sex they are having must be dealt with. They are probably doing it to rub it in their neighbors’ faces (“We are fucking and you’re not!”). So, you have to give them a taste of their own tacky medicine. I am all for loud and wild sex, but come on—the same annoying moans every night would drive anyone crazy. If Mr. Big Stuff wants to make his woman scream so loud, he should move out to the suburbs and get a secluded house where no one can hear their concert-style shags. The next time they wake you with their sex noises, get as close to them as you can, either through the walls or in front of their door if you have the balls and moan obnoxiously loud like you are being fucked by Tommy Lee in a fit of rage. If their manners don’t kick in, you could (a) Call the cops as they are indeed disturbing the peace, or (b) Type an anonymous letter that says, “Dear Mr. Apartment [#whatever], We are happy you are getting your leg over on a regular basis, but give us a fucking break and stick a sock—or your cock—in her mouth so we can get some sleep!” Then photocopy it a few times and post it all over the building.

Since orgasm and ejaculation are separate, it is possible to have either without the other. Yes, orgasm can occur without ejaculation. Retrograde ejaculation is a condition where the bladder’s sphincter does not close off properly during ejaculation, so semen flows into the bladder. This is what they mean by “dry cum,” when the man may experience orgasm, but no spunk comes out.  Not sure if you can “master” this or why you would want to, but be happy it isn’t happening to you as it usually happens to men who have diabetes, multiple sclerosis or have undergone some type of prostate surgery. Another case of the grass is always greener.

Most new lovers are like oxygen: You get too much, and you feel dizzy; not enough and you feel like you’re going to faint. Why can’t they just find a nice middle ground and stick with it? This clingy behavior means he adores you and is afraid of losing you, which is quaint, but you have to let him know gently that it’s too much. If you are courageous, next time he has you in a love-lock, say, “Honey, if we want this to last, we have to give each other a bit of space,” and say it with a smile on your face so he knows you mean well. If you don’t have the nerve to say it to his face, write him a letter. Make sure you make it short and sweet and highlight the fact that you adore him but are not use to so much body contact and cuddling. Men understand actions better than words, so you could always just gently squirm out of his arms, all the while talking and smiling. He should catch on. If not, hammer time.