Rocky Balboa

Written & Directed by Sylvester Stallone

To be sure, Rocky was a mashup of clichés to begin with: the underdog fighter who never got a shot, the painfully shy girl imprisoned behind glasses, the bitter brother and the weathered, never-was trainer. But Rocky had so much heart and so many little human touches that it not only became the sleeper hit of 1976, but a certifiable American classic.

Thirty years and four sequels later, we reach what (we hope) is that last installment in a truly tired series. It’s been a long 16 years since the Rock had a new tomato to pound on. Somewhere between Mr. T with feathery earrings and Dolph Lundgren’s one liners, the series bottomed out.

But like Rocky says, “Ain’t nothing over ’til it’s over.” We pick up back in Philly with a fiftysomething Rocky running his restaurant, Adrian’s, named after his deceased wife. Rocky tells his war stories and manages difficult relationships with bigoted, booze-hound brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young) and yuppie son Robert (Milo Ventimiglia) who detests living in his father’s shadow. He also sulks over the passing of Adrian and visits every one of their courtship spots. But linguini and memory lane ain’t enough for the Rockster.

Enter new bad guy Mason “The Line” Dixon (Antonio Tarver), the brash but untested heavyweight champion. He’s got a cool nickname, spinners on his Ferrari and 15 hype-men—but no heart. Can you see where this is going? When an ESPN computer simulation pits a prime Balboa against current champ Dixon, Rocky KOs Dixon. Stirred by the computer match, Rocky applies for a boxing license and attracts the attention of Dixon’s handlers. An exhibition match with the aging Balboa would endear Dixon to the public and raise his profile, says Dixon’s manager and promoter.

Before the inevitable showdown, Rocky picks up a new quasi love interest. The same “Little Marie” (Geraldine Hughes) who hung with the bums back in the day is still rounding the same corner. Didn’t Rock ever listen to Mickey? Women weaken legs! Rocky befriends Marie and her son, gives them jobs at his restaurant and teaches the kid about going for the gusto.

Much of the film is just plain hammy. The tête-à-têtes between Rocky and his son play like after-school specials. The schmaltzy but heartfelt advice about taking your shot in life and never quitting were stated through metaphor in the original. Here dialogue brutally batters us. You also have to wince as Rocky tours the boarded-up pet shop where Adrian worked, the bulldozed skate rink where they had their first date and his old apartment. These nostalgic sequences undermine Rocky Balboa as they create the ultimate sign of destruction in a film franchise: self-parody.

Stallone freely admits Rocky is a character he can’t let go of. When he puts on the hat and leather jacket, he’s that tough but lovable guy from the streets who speaks from the heart. Like Rocky, Stallone has “some stuff in the basement.” With this unnecessary bookend, we can only hope he finally has cleared it out.