Jungle Jim 

A. Lets face it, cocks—and especially balls—are not a pretty sight. At best they look like an injured, plucked chicken. The hairs, thankfully, help hide those unsightly toys. 

Waxing hurts, and this whole metrosexual movement makes me want to puke. I understand the manicure/pedicure part of it all, but anything else (eyebrow shaping, ball waxing, highlighted hair) is a little too “Queer as Folk.” It’s hard enough in big cities telling apart the heteros from the homos. Now, almost every guy has better eyebrows than Madonna in her pre-Kabbalah days.

OK, where was I? Oh yes, your balls. Tell her it makes you feel more masculine with furry nads and warn her the inevitable stubble will shred her clit to bits. How about just trimming the hairs with a comb and scissors? (The comb prevents scissor/ball contact by only cutting hair that protrudes through the teeth of the comb). Or maybe she wants you to suffer and is after some sort of amusing revenge.

Q. After three years of blissful dating, my boyfriend and I finally moved in together four months ago. He moved into my place because it’s bigger and in a better area. Ever since then he’s been moody and puts me down verbally—even in front of our mutual friends. He won’t go down on me anymore, and I fear we’re doomed. Do you think living together was a bad idea? I’m crazy about him and don’t want to lose him! How can I save our relationship?

Freaked out Francine 

A. You know that saying, “A man’s home is his castle?” It’s old but still applies to the modern day caveman. It’s always better when the woman moves into the man’s place—unless your last name is Federline—or you find a new place together. No matter how modern the times get, a man still likes to be the caretaker and the king of his domain. He probably feels like an incapable boy or a guest in his home, which explains his tiny tantrums. 

Since he can’t be the big guy who gave you shelter, he has to bring you down a few notches by insulting you and withholding—gasp!—oral sex. I realize it may be difficult, but find a new place (let him pick it out) and moving there is probably the road to success for you two. If that’s not possible, you have to let him know being nasty to you in any way may make him feel big and strong but will also leave him single and finishing himself off. Even though I’m not much of a fan, Lil’ Kim hit the nail on the head when she said, “If you ain’t lickin’ it, you ain’t stickin’ it.”