By Steven McCauley

Last Thursday, Mayor Bloomberg welcomed suggestions for the future of Governor’s Island.  Uptown firms and starchitects began spilling out the usual gaudy, expensive and tourist-friendly designs, starting with a tram system. Hey, it worked for Roosevelt Island. Just about everyone seems to share the same utopian vision of people of all races and classes convening in some bucolic setting to elevate their thoughts, expand their understandings of one another and spend money on tchotchkes. 

Chances are we’ll end up one more luxury resort city-within-a-city, a la Battery Park or Tudor City or Trump City, where millionaires can walk their designer dogs, genetically blessed children and trophy spouses. But before the mayor concedes to the inevitable, we herewith offer a few alternative ideas that all New Yorkers will be able to benefit from:

• The Number One threat to the health of our citizens remains secondhand cigarette-smoke. Force all smokers to walk away from the doorways and entrances of any public spaces and on to high-density barges at designated points throughout the city. Tow them to Governor’s Island, where they can enjoy the cigarette break with the rest of their wretched kind. If any employee is gone for more than 10 minutes, they’re history (while being a part of history). Let’s see San Francisco top that.

• The millionaires’ infatuation with their designer dogs is sure to end, and soon enough those cute designer babies will grow up to be awkward, insolent adolescents. You can’t just set them free in the park somewhere (although we’re convinced thousands of no-longer-chic Akitas and King Charles Spaniels are doing field work on Upstate farms). Ship those over-dependent animals to Governor’s Island, where the city can open a preserve. Think of it: wild Pekingese and Dalton pre-meds. 

• Governor’s Island is full of charming town houses but no funky cafes. No cabs stop there, and it’s been ignored by the government for years. Let some cool college  kids and trust-fund punks discover it, triple the rents and kick everyone else out. Then open up a funky little café with Wi-Fi access, a faux dive bar and a funky all-night diner that serves $9 cocktails. 

• With Dubai now running our ports, we need to invest in a city-sized bomb shelter. Our best architects should relish the challenge of balancing comfort and aesthetics against stability and protection. They can draw on anything for inspiration except the Superdome.

• Invite Bruce Ratner and the Dolans to build something there. Then when they arrive for the ground breaking, just sink the whole damn island. Nitro, C4, Acme-brand TNT; whatever it takes.