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SIGN LANGUAGE

By Caeriel

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You can experience culture shock within a few miles of your house, if you head in the right direction. But why would you? Because it’s good for you to expand your horizons, and long overdue. How many times have you already circled this particular stomping ground? Rams who get stuck trotting repeatedly over the same territory get bored, boring and usually obnoxious. There’s no need for you to stir up shit or get yourself into trouble as you’ve lately been tempted to do. Instead, just find something new to see, smell, taste, hear or screw.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I’m such a regular visitor to two neighborhood cafés (I prefer their atmospheres to writing at home), that I don’t even need to order anymore. I sit and my desired drinks magically appear at my table next to my laptop. Granted, I’m a creature of habit, so that works well for me. In that way you and I are much alike; the difference is that some of your habits are standing in the way of your increased happiness. I know it’s a comfortable rut, but it’s still a rut. Get out of it this week, especially because doing so might be as conveniently simple as ordering a different kind of coffee.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I’m glad you have an active fantasy life, but there’s such a thing as taking it too far. Striking a better balance between whatever imaginary worlds you inhabit and the one we call “real life” is this week’s task. There are multiple perks to getting off your ass and actually doing something, rather than just dreaming about it. For one, your ass will probably lose some of its flabby spread. Also, just getting your blood pumping and engaging with the world is likely to have a sweet secondary effect. Even if you spend a lot less time in the worlds inside your head, you’ll find you enjoy them a lot more because they’re no longer all you have.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Time-sharing a lover isn’t your cup of tea, but you have let yourself be talked into giving it a try on occasion. Better than nothing, you’ve thought—and for some people, it might be. But not for you. In your case, nothing would be better than a little unsatisfying bit of something. I think it’s a good idea for Cancers to be less all-or-nothing in general, but there are certain things we need to be realistic about—and what’s going on this week is one of them. You need to be getting nearly all of what you need from what or who you already have, or you need to cut yourself loose and keep looking. Those are your options; any others will only generate misery.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You might feel like you’re in a zombie movie this week, the way many people and problems you thought dead and buried are suddenly up and walking around. Luckily, you’ve already kicked their asses once, so knocking them back down shouldn’t be too hard. But you want to do more than just pin them to a wall with a pitchfork long enough for you to get away. Instead, cut them into so many little pieces that they’ll never bother you again. You did a half-assed job of addressing these issues when they first cropped up, which is why you’re having to deal with them again now. Don’t just set them on fire and walk away—this time, stick around until there’s nothing left but ash.


Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Winning the Miss America pageant isn’t everything, my dear. In fact, it’s hardly anything. That sash and tiara are only all-important to people inhabiting that tiny, insular beauty contest world. Your own version of that blinkered reality is telling you to feel pretty bad about whatever your latest shortcoming is, but don’t. Your most recent screw-up is about as critical as not acing the swimsuit competition; in other words, not very. If your “failure” means reality is crumbling for someone, offer them your pity (for having such a limited view of the world), but not your guilt.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You Libras are at your best when your creative output effectively integrates your feelings and thoughts with your primal physical experience. What’s happened lately is that you’ve retreated too far into your head, and lost touch with your heart and/or body. All those pretty thoughts are keeping you from having the best sex you could have, or really tasting your food or giving your friends the kind of affection they deserve. Luckily, it’s easy to get distracted from all that stuck-in-your-head crap long enough to restore the equilibrium you need: Anytime something sensual (a bit of good chocolate, a kiss, a caress, the warmth of the sun on your face) shows up, stop everything (especially thinking) long enough to truly enjoy it. Once you make a habit of that, you’ll realize that balance is no longer an issue.


Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Who’s survived your sting? Those are the people you need the most, my friend, because they’ve developed an immunity to whatever venom or darkness lies within you, unlike whatever poor unsuspecting soul you’ve lately gotten close to. Get back in touch with the people who’ve forgiven you (and, hopefully, found a way to love you) despite being hurt by you; they’re more precious than gold. Remember that when you’re looking for support. It may feel counterintuitive to seek it from someone you once screwed over, but ironically, s/he may be the one best-suited to give it to you.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It’s not exactly your place to scold other people’s unruly children, but sometimes it’s necessary because some parents can’t be bothered to do it. It may be their right to practice laissez-faire parenting, but it’s also your right to avoid being stepped on or having things thrown at you. Children (and some adults) need to learn how to navigate a world where they have to balance other people’s wellbeing with their own desires. You shouldn’t have to teach that to them, but given your general desire to put yourself into a huge variety of situations (in which you encounter many, many different kinds of people), this week you might have to.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
My Cap friend Chris eagerly awaits the phenomenon futurists call the Singularity, when our logarithmically escalating technology explodes, virtually overnight, into something we can barely imagine. He dreams of touring the moons of Jupiter and living for hundreds of years. I adore his optimism, even though I know it could all just as easily go to shit, swathing the planet in grey sludge. Optimism is totally the way to go here, whether contemplating the not-so-distant future of telepathic immortality, or the shit-storm that could hit your life tomorrow. Expecting the worst if you must—but don’t forget to also hope (and aim) for the best.


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarian Daniel Tammet is a savant who’s able to perform extraordinary feats of calculation and memory (he once recited pi to 22,514 numbers) almost certainly because of his unusual way of thinking about numbers, pairing them with visual and emotional cues (37 is lumpy like oatmeal, for example, and 89 reminds him of falling snow). You’re no savant, and that’s fine. But you do have some peculiar ways of looking at the world—instead of trying to see it the way everyone else does, run with those this week. See where it takes you.


Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Being imperfect isn’t evil. You’re greatly exaggerating your own culpability in this situation. Stop that immediately. However, don’t assume my advice means you’re innocent as a babe. You’re not that, either. You actually probably do owe someone an apology—but only for about 10 percent of the shit you’ve lately spent time feeling guilty about. Deliver the apology, then ditch the other 90 percent of your guilt (which you made up entirely to torture yourself, you perverse thing). Let’s assume you probably know some idiot for whom your apology isn’t good enough. You know what? Ditch him, too.
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