If you value your life, avoid the Lower East Side. It’s a seedy, dangerous neighborhood, and every day there’s more and more sidewalk gunplay. No one is safe. And it’s dirty, too. Chihuahua-eating rats scurry around the sewage-flooded streets. It’s a dystopian cesspool.

At least, that’s the message we need to be spreading—before it’s too late. If we don’t, then these new condo buildings that keep popping up like weeds around here are going to drive our rents even farther from reach and, before long, none of us will be able to live here.

Maybe I shouldn’t say we; I don’t even live on the LES Officially I live in the LEV (the Lower East Village), right there on the line of demarcation at Houston Street. And I’ve only lived here for six months, so I can’t really feel any kind of ownership. But I have lived here long enough to get an idea of what the future holds for the neighborhood, and I can’t afford it.

From the window of my shoebox studio I have a 180-degree panoramic view of what, geographic semantics aside, is my neighborhood, the LES. I raise my blinds each morning and survey the skyline, a concrete-and-glass timeline of the nabe’s history: the historic tenements, the mid-century clusters of project housing and the current generation of ultra-modern high-rise towers. These new kids on the block include the South Beach-esque BLUE Condo building on Delancey; its hipper-than-thou friend, the boutique Hotel on Rivington; and the new condo/Whole Foods megaplex on Bowery. And, just across the street are two still-under-construction luxury condo buildings that have gone from ground level to 20-plus stories over the course of the winter. And there’s more on the way.

A quick scan outside reveals the historic Katz’s Delicatessen, its younger neighbor the Mercury Lounge and, over to the east, the beginning of Clinton Street’s “restaurant row.” In the middle of the panorama, straight ahead, I can see the recently deceased club Tonic. Cause of death: rent increases.

Oh, the nemesis of New Yorkers—rent increases, the bastard child of our nation’s most recent real estate boom and its concomitant gentrification. The effects of this “progress” have been felt in many parts of the city, driving broke-ass Manhattanites to the outer boroughs. Now it’s the LES’s turn.

This turn isn’t exactly sudden, and probably seems inevitable. As the surrounding nabe’s have surrendered to investment capital, it became inevitable that the wealth would eventually leak into the LES. And in some ways, the socio-economic shift has its advantages. The LES now has an awesome selection of coffee shops, great bakeries and plenty of brunch spots. But the downside, of course, is the price of those brunches if you can ever get a table; people waiting in line for an hour to pay $15 for eggs, is a sure sign of something crazy.

Let’s return the LES, and the LEV for that mattter, to its good ol’ cracked-out days. Back when the neighborhood was full of squatters and rioting homeless. Back when cabs wouldn’t take their fares farther east than Avenue A. Back when people were scared to leave their buildings after dark.

This will take some organization and, yes, sacrifice. We have to form gangs and start claiming our turf. Try to mug someone on the way home from work, not every day, but at least twice a week. For those who aren’t inclined to violence, perhaps sign up for shifts as panhandlers or sneak over to the schoolyard at night and scatter syringes. Or at least break some windows and do a little harmless burgling.

You’ll see—as the crime rate increases, gentrification will decrease. The trendsetters will stay over on the West Side, our shiny new buildings will sit empty and rent prices will drop.

I know, this plan has some obvious drawbacks—potential jail time, neighborhood curfews, martial law. I’m sure I’ll get stabbed or shot by one of the muggers I’ve helped inspire and end up with some hefty hospital bills. But the potential savings in rent is well worth the risk. Right?

Or maybe there’s another way, something less violent. Hmm. Nope, can’t think of anything. So let’s get the gangs going. We can’t afford not to.