I love your columns. I can’t get enough of them. But I have a question: What can I do to make my breasts bigger without implants?
—Flat-Chested Ann
Thanks, Ann. You could eat more to get chubbier and/or take the birth control pill, which simulates pregnancy, hence, slightly bigger jugs. The downside is that you could also get that clingy, insecure sense of being that some pregnant women get. Plus, smoking while on the pill is dangerous (as if smoking isn’t dangerous enough). If none of that sounds enticing, just work on your ass and make your oral techniques something to write home about. Not all men are breast men.
I’ve been married for 17 years to a wonderful man. But we have a major problem—I hate giving him blowjobs. He really likes them, so how can we compromise? We fight about it all the time. Please help!
—Anti-Oral Audrey
If he’s so wonderful, why not show him some appreciation and give him what he wants at least once in a while? I am sure there are some things he does for you that he really could live without. Men need blowjobs, so if you don’t give them to him, he may look elsewhere. There is no way around it I’m afraid. Knowing it brings him absolute pleasure should at least turn you on. Just be happy he isn’t insisting on anal sex.
I thought I finally found “the one” when I started dating my boyfriend 10 weeks ago, but he has a habit that I am not so sure about. We are both over 30 and have steady incomes, but he likes to shoplift. It’s not like I accidentally caught him—he steals then tells me about it directly after, like a cat showing off a dead bird he just caught. I suggested he go to therapy, and he freaked out and screamed at me, “No wonder you were single for so long!” So he is obviously sensitive about this. At my age, single men are hard to come by, so I am wondering if I should just let this habit slide or go through all the trouble of finding a new one again.
—Lady Jane
I know people who have found love at age 55, 60 and 65. Even Paul McCartney is dating again! Don’t take shit because you think you will expire soon. It is never too late to find a partner. Your sticky fingered man sounds like a touchy, shady character who has an inferiority complex. Does he think he is Robin Fucking Hood or what? Screaming at you because you suggested he gets help is as bad as his stealing habit. He is a drama king, too much work. He exhausts me, and I haven’t even met him. Be happy you found all this out now and not later, since 10 weeks isn’t that long. You should be able to get over him in, what, two days? If you have trouble letting go, imagine this kleptomaniac fathering your kids. Would he teach them to steal and shift blame onto others when confronted? Drop that coward like a hot potato.
What do you think of these gift ideas? To my wife: have some of her favorite stuffed animals painted like that famous one of the dogs playing cards. To chicks I know: make a mold of my cock to turn into a dildo—it would be in a factory sealed package like you would find in a sex shop. I would give it out on Valentine’s Day to ladies that would have sex with me if I weren’t married. What would you do if you got a gift like that from a guy you were cool with but never boinked?
—Anaconda Al
I think you have way too much free time on your hands for a married man. The painting sounds sweet, but her glee will surely fade if she finds out about your cock toys. And if the girls you give them too aren’t single, be prepared for a major Bitchfest with their beaus. What would I do with such a gift? If the toy were extremely massive and had a challenging form, it would surely stir up my curiosity about the original. But it would probably end up on a shelf with the other toys, as nothing beats your own hand when it comes to doing the deed alone. Toys are more a visual aid for your partner’s pleasure (watch it go in, watch it go out—woop-de-fucking-dooooo!). PS: No one says “boinked” anymore, do they?
