I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. I’m 45, she’s 33, both in great health. I came close to breaking up with her a few times within the first four months, as she did not want to become intimate. She convinced me to stay. We’ve been having sex for several months now and we’re monogamous.
However, she’s the least sexual person I’ve ever been with—she does not like me to touch or kiss her vagina (even the lightest touch is met with, “It hurts, please don’t touch down there”). She has a very methodical system for having sex; first, she masturbates to orgasm, then she allows me entry. This is the only way she’ll allow it. No oral either way and not even any kissing. This is barely acceptable to me, but the frequency with which she allows sex (I want it every day, she allows it once a week) is not acceptable at all. Also, she never uses her tongue to kiss, keeps her mouth closed, and our kissing never lasts more than a few seconds. When I bring any of this up, she says I am calling her an “ice princess” and frigid, which she gets very defensive about. She claims there has never been any molestation in her past, and that she’s normal and I’m oversexed. I’ve had long-term, very sexual relationships in the past without complaint, but I don't know how to handle this, other than breaking it off. She’s a wonderful girl and very much marriage material, other than this issue. Do you have any advice?
—At Arms Length Larry
You want it “everyday”? Good luck finding someone who wants it every day forever and ever. Anything less than once a week is bullshit, but everyday could turn into a chore, a dull routine. In my opinion, you will have to leave her or marry her and cheat to get your fill. Imagine a whole life of no head, no French kissing, etc. Yawn.
I still live with my parents even though I am 23. I am a very horny girl compared to my friends. I like to have random sex (always safe) with men I just met at a party or bar. I have fucked a few guys in public and it turns me on more than in a bed. Any ideas or tips on how to make things run smoother? I always end up getting disturbed when I jam out with my clam out.
—Spanish Fly-girl
Lead your prey into the ladies room and bring him into a stall. Lock the door and get in the doggy style position with one hand on the flusher and one on the back of the toilet. Every time someone knocks or gets nosey, make really loud vomiting sounds like you are puking your guts out and flush periodically. This yakking sound usually sends people running. If he can keep shagging you through all that, he is a keeper. Construction sites, stairways of hotels and malls are usually empty—just aim for the top floor so there is less traffic. I still haven’t joined the Mile High Club yet, but I can imagine that would be the hottest, riskiest place ever.
I am a flaming, hot 20-year-old gay guy. I live in an area that is plagued by straight college guys, which makes me horny and confused. How do I tell if they can be swayed to take a walk on the wild side? I don’t want to get punched out, but I have to get laid or my blue balls will start dragging on the fucking ground. Send help fast.
—Dainty Danny
Eye contact has got to be the best way to tell if a guy likes to pack chocolate or not. If you gaze into his eyes and they get pissed off—bingo, not gay. Posting ads online will save you time, and telling waiters who you know are gay that you’re going home to have a pull, should get you laid in no time. Embrace your sexuality: If you are gay, let it be known; word will get out and, hopefully, the guys who are curious or also queer will gravitate towards you. Straight guys know that buying lots of drinks for their date increases their chances of getting in there, so why not try it on yours?
How can I tell if a guy has a big dick? Gawking at their hands and feet has let me down in the past.
—Desperately Seeking Big Dick
The Germans say you can tell by how big or small the man’s nose is. If you have a chance, just make out with them—clothes on, bumping, grinding and feeling around. If he doesn’t measure up to your cock standard, stop kissing and tell him, “I am sorry, we are moving too fast,” then politely end the date/face-sucking-session and move on. My girlfriends and I have concluded that most men with giant dicks are usually giant dicks. So sad.
