In the world of Fox’s hit television show “24”, America would be a smoldering crater without Jack Bauer. Over the past five years, Bauer’s entertaining interrogation tactics have spared the country from the assassination of a beloved president, a nuclear holocaust in Los Angeles, a nationwide meltdown of all power plants and the disastrous spread of biological warfare (on two occasions). Entering its 6th season this Sunday and fresh off five Emmy wins, including Best Drama Series and Lead Actor (Kiefer Sutherland), “24” shows no signs of slowing down the volume of national crises thrown Jack’s way.
As even the most casual viewer knows by now, doing things the Jack Bauer way is the only way to solve such catastrophes. That’s why whoever is still alive to run CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit) this season would be wise to swap out the agency’s boring intel-extraction methods for the blood and bliss of Jack Bauer’s School of Interrogation. Hell, we could all let off some steam by attending this seminar in disobedience, intimidation and speaking in hushed, urgent tones.
Class is now in session.
Let’s cue up a pivotal scene from the fourth season of “24.”
It’s 12:45 a.m. A madman terrorist, Habib Marwan, possesses a nuclear warhead and intends to detonate it in downtown Los Angeles. Your only lead in finding him is a cocky goon named Joe Prado, currently in possession of a shit-eating grin because a sleazy lawyer from Global Amnesty has protected him from interrogation. President Charles Logan has subsequently forbidden anyone from CTU to question Prado, yet this petty criminal holds the key to saving Los Angeles. Suspend your disbelief momentarily as to why anyone would care about saving Los Angeles and answer
the question: What do you do?
Bill Buchanan, Special Agent in Charge, CTU might say: President’s orders, my hands are tied on this one. I mean, come on, it’s hard enough running this place knowing the recent history of my position here at CTU. Season Two, George Mason gets radiation poisoning and kills himself by piloting a jet carrying a nuclear bomb into the ground. Season Three, Ryan Chappelle is shot in the back of the head by Jack frigging Bauer of all people! Season Four, that raging bitch Erin Driscoll, the Jeanine Pirro of CTU, has a nervous breakdown and forces me to come in and clean up this shitstorm. Do you really think I care?
Jack Bauer: Hmm, OK, this is an easy one. The president said no one from CTU could interrogate Prado, right? But what if I weren’t in CTU anymore? I’ll resign immediately, hang out in the parking lot and wait for Prado to come out. I’ll taser the guard protecting him and then lead Prado into his SUV and do my routine. You know, I’ll first squint my eyes and contort my face into an uncomfortable grimace that’ll make him think I just shat my pants but am so focused that I won’t even acknowledge it. Then I’ll totally invade his personal space, I’m talking like within an inch or so of his face so he can smell my coffee breath. When he still won’t talk, I’ll just break his fucking fingers, one by one. He’ll tell me what I want to know, I give you my word.
This clash between the cautious pussyfooting of CTU and Bauer’s rogue tactics is the show’s bread and butter. In a side-by-side comparison between the two, the Jack Bauer School of Interrogation wins every time, if not in effectiveness then in entertainment value alone.
Scenario: You’re Not Sure Whether Suspect Is Innocent or Guilty
The CTU Way
Problem: The Secretary of Defense’s hippie son, Richard Heller, won’t disclose whether or not he revealed his father’s location to anyone, information that may be key to solving Secretary Heller’s kidnapping (Season Four).
Solution: CTU subjects Richard to sensory deprivation, disorienting his sense of time and leaving his hair greasy and demeanor whiny.
Effectiveness: None. Richard still refuses to cooperate and uses the incident to further his imagined persecution complex towards his father.
Entertainment Value: Minimal. While initially fun to watch him squirm, the lack of results and absence of any fun torture methods (see the Bauer way) proves unsatisfying.
The Bauer Way
Problem: CTU uncovers intelligence that could link Paul Raines, husband of Audrey (also Bauer’s girlfriend), to a group of terrorists plotting a nuclear attack (Season Four).
Solution: Bauer ambushes Paul in his hotel room, tying him up and hotwiring a bedside lamp before electrocuting him in front of Audrey.
Effectiveness: Whoops. Paul is innocent and Audrey is none too impressed with her boyfriend’s brutish methods, especially when applied to her husband. Paul subsequently develops a touch of Stockholm syndrome from the incident and later takes a fatal bullet to protect his dear old friend Jack.
Entertainment: Off the meter. A “24” love tryst involving a hotwired lamp, a fey British businessman, Jack Bauer and a woman who sweats more than Zinedine Zidane. Awesome.
Winner: Bauer
Even when Bauer fails, he does it in epic, compelling, Must-See TV fashion. Think Mark Foley except actually serving the interests of our country.
Analysis: When the situation demands it, CTU needs to go casual Friday and break its own protocol from time to time. Bauer does it all the time and look where it got him ... oh right, last seen on a freight ship en route to a Chinese torture camp.
As New Yorkers, we need to keep this cache of Bauer’s greatest hits rolling in our heads long after we hunker down and surrender four more hours to “24” this Sunday and Monday. Not in a Grand Theft Auto, TV-made-me-do-it way, but more as an outlet for our own aggressive fantasies. In the real world, failure to comply with the rules can leave you socially ostracized, fired, arrested and without electricity. In the Jack Bauer School of Interrogation, disobedience is the only rule. Keep in mind that Bauer is also a recovering heroin junkie incapable of maintaining a loving relationship, who is as good as dead to his only daughter and also responsible for the deaths of dozens and dozens of people. Leave the rule breaking to Bauer. He’s way better at it anyhow.
So, the next time you’re on hold for 20 minutes with the gas company and can think of no other option but to start breaking fingers, breathe deeply and go to that happy place where Jack Bauer is gagging an Eastern European man with his own sock. It works every time.
Class dismissed.
