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C.J. SULLIVAN & DAVE HOLLANDER

Commencement Speeches We Wish We Heard

By C.J. SULLIVAN & DAVE HOLLANDER

SULLIVAN: So Fordham University picks Met Manager, Willie Randolph, to address the graduating class of 2007. The reason he was chosen was that his youngest child was graduating from Fordham and, right now, Randolph is just about the hottest story in baseball. It was a good fit. Nice also to see Iona confer an honorary degree on ex-Yankees great Bernie Williams. Bernie also gave a commencent speech. Now, if only he were on the Yankee bench, he might have turned a few Bomber Ls into Ws.

Now, Dave, I never even went to my college graduation, but if I did I would have liked to listen to Dr. J.instruct me on life. A man who never used a scalpel in his life yet wound up rich, powerful and famous. I like that just on his sheer will alone he demanded a postgraduate degree in life and got it.

Or maybe Mark Messier could have come and spoken on how a hockey player has the nerve to predict a Stanley Cup victory for a franchise that had been unlucky for 53 years—and then deliver on that prediction. The steel and nerve of that 1994 Ranger win still resonates with the New York hockey crowd.

But life is full of variables and sometimes everyone—even your team, family and friends—will let you down. So my ultimate pick to speak at a college commencement is Barry Bonds.

Bonds believes in himself and does not care what you think. A man alone, he still marches on and will be baseball’s home run king. All the naysayers will be one day forgotten as Barry Bonds stands alone.

HOLLANDER:  Didn’t attend your college graduation, eh? I didn’t know Marty O’Brien’s had a formal ceremony. 
It was a cute thing to watch Willie and Bernie get their props from the Academy. But I hear it’s becoming more and more common for athletes. Owing to my contacts with all the big-time sports agents, I was able to obtain rough drafts of commencement speeches written by other local stars who are preparing now for their moment at the graduation podium. Let me share some excerpts with you.

Jose Reyes (SS), NY Mets: “‘Youth is wasted on the young.’ I’d like to spike the glove hand of the sorry old geezer who wrote that. Don’t believe it. It’s all about youth, and taking what you want when you want. I steal bases. You should steal from life—all that you can. Don’t let anyone lay that “age before beauty” rap on you either. Julio Franco says that crap to me every damn day. You are as young, as fast and as smart as you will ever be right now. Exploit it.”

Alex Rodriguez (3B) NY Yankees:  “…because in the end it’s not about the fame. It’s not about the rings. It’s not about the records. It’s about the money. You know that old saying, ‘You got to give respect to get respect.’?  Well, I got a new one: ‘Pick up the  check. Get the respect.’ That’s the real world, my friends. Deal with it.”

Isiah Thomas (Coach/GM) NY Knicks: “You gotta make lemonade outta lemons. A sucker is born every minute. He who laughs last laughs best! Thuggery, deceit and incompetence shall be your watchwords. Don’t let anyone define failure for you. What do they know about it anyway? Sing with me now: When you’re smilin’, keep on smilin’. The whole words smiles with you.”

SULLIVAN: How about we invite Jason Kidd to give us our final farewell to college life. Kidd has a heart as big as the Tri-State area and we can only hope we get to see at least one season of Kidd at point for the Brooklyn Nets.
Jason Kidd (Guard) NJ Nets: “When you sign a contract and are given fair compensation to do the job you must go out and give it your all. Only do that which you love. Make others around you better by demanding more of yourself than you would of them. Most of all—you must never quit.

There is a big difference between getting beat to losing. Losers give up. We all get beat because you can’t always win but you must never throw in the towel because something looks hopeless or you know it is impossible. Press on anyway.”

Kidd would bring the house down with tears and cheers. A nightmare speaker would be Vince Carter. No good could come from the Tin Man “No Heart” of the NBA.

Vince Carter (Guard) NJ Nets: “Sometimes it’s too hard and the younger, stronger man (read: Lebron James) will beat you. But if they give you millions to put up empty points you may as well take it. Leave your pride home when you go to work because as long as you have bank, it is all good.”

HOLLANDER: Glad you’ve finally conceded that Vince Carter is a heartless mutt. Just keep listening to me, my friend. There’s a great deal for you to learn and there’s no reason you cannot learn much of it.

Through our long and sometimes painful association, I’ve viewed you kind of like my own private Pygmalion. Each week you litter this column with the detritus of your coarse and underdeveloped intellect. But you’re making progress. I can see it even if others cannot. You’re really starting to hear me.

Like a foul-smelling lump of Play-doh, I have molded you into something almost recognizable, almost acceptable. In your writing alone, I hear more certainty in your voice—even though that voice remains consistently incorrect. Like a dumb puppy banging his head against wall until he grasps basic spatial relationships, you are growing. I look forward, soon, to some elementary logical coherence in your thought process.

You’ll eliminate your hallmark moronic redundancies, and your unsupported assertions will mature into reasoned statements. Like all the graduates this spring, you too are matriculating—albeit slowly—toward full-fledged membership into civilized humanity.

As you plod those heavy feet of yours bravely into the light of society, I offer you the guiding words of a graduation speech written by your childhood idol, former Mets left fielder Cleon Jones. Jones was due to give the speech at a local junior high school for girls until his untimely arrest for indecent exposure on May 4, 1975.

The notes of his speech were found next to his female teenage companion in the van where the arrest was made. I now share these notes in pertinent part with you:

“Slap it. I mean slap it until you can’t even feel it. I bought a pack of Newport Lights at a truck stop in Mobile. Now I can’t find the cigarettes or the truck stop. That’s how it is sometimes. But I keep moving. You see what I’m saying?”
Powerful stuff, I know. But I know if you keep your nose clean and keep trying, you might be able say something worthwhile too someday. 
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