THE DAY BEFORE President Bush arrived in New York to address the U.N. last week, it was announced that the Secret Service was hunting for upstate resident Lawrence Ward, 57, whom they considered to be a possible threat to the president's safety.
The notion that the reclusive guitar teacher was a potential assassin arose after a neighbor, with Ward's blessing, entered the mentally unbalanced man's one-bedroom home. There he found a picture of Bush with the words "Dead Man" spraypainted across it, obscenities painted on the floor and—proof positive that Ward was an out-of-control lunatic—quotes from Orwell's 1984 and the Declaration of Independence on his walls.
After seeing that quote from the Declaration, the neighbor panicked and called the authorities. Moments later, Secret Service agents arrived on the scene to conduct a more thorough search of the premises.
The case against Ward only grew stronger when agents uncovered a VHS copy of Canadian Bacon, a Michael Moore film in which the president (portrayed by Alan Alda) declares war on Canada; an issue of Time magazine that contained a picture of a gun; and a bag of Ruffles potato chips, one of which, investigating agents agreed, bore a striking resemblance to Osama bin Laden.
"Sgt. Mallet and I," one of the investigating Secret Service agents told New York Press on the condition of anonymity, "we were having a little snack, you know. Just taking a break. And this guy had a bag of chips in the cupboard, so we opened them up. And I'll be darned if the third chip I pulled out didn't look just like Osama bin Laden. Swear to god. I mean, at first I thought it looked more like Buddy Ebsen—you know, from The Beverly Hillbillies? That and that other show. But then Mallet says no sir—that's bin Laden. I turned it a little, and saw just what he meant. It really did look like him."
When asked if we could examine the chip, or see a picture of it, the agent explained, "I'm afraid we had to bag it as evidence, see? And so I went and put it on the front seat of the car. When we were all done in there and everything was sealed off, wouldn't you know it, we got back in the car and Mallory sat on it. He's a big guy, you know. That chip didn't have a chance. But it really did look like bin Laden when it was all together. And what does that tell you? It tells me that anyone who was in possession of a chip like that is a potentially dangerous man. Very dangerous. But we'll get him."
