At a recent family affair, my philistine cousin was complaining about the gay sex shops in the West Village. He recently moved to New York and finds the openly gay culture “offensive” and “abrasive.” Feeling the need to defend the gay community (and being bisexual myself), I said, “Intolerance is rooted in fear. Maybe you’re afraid that one day you’ll be attracted to a guy.” His response: “If the guy had breasts and didn’t have a penis and looked like a woman, then maybe I would.” He could have been describing a transsexual. “You see how gender is irrelevant?” I said. Ignoring my point, he reiterated his heterosexual pride: “I just want everyone to be like me. Fuck you.” Of course I wanted to slap him, but I found enlightenment in his insulting comments. My cousin is an extreme example of the human tendency to perceive gender as a fixed state of being, attached to expected qualities and behaviors.
I have a vagina, therefore I am female. That’s all. It doesn’t mean I’m straight, nor does it mean I’m feminine. Gender identity has only so much to do with physiology. I took the Bem Sex Role Inventory (BSRI), a test that assesses masculinity and femininity in terms of the respondent’s self-reported possession of stereotypically masculine and feminine personality traits. If the score is highly masculine and feminine, the respondent is classified as androgynous. In 1974, psychologist Sandra L. Bem said, “The concept of psychological androgyny implies that it is possible for an individual to be both compassionate and assertive, both expressive and instrumental, both feminine and masculine, depending upon the situational appropriateness of these various modalities.” According to Bem’s theory, I am androgynous. Yet my BSRI score was highly masculine.
Inwardly, I am highly “masculine”—independent, ambitious, dominant and willing to take risks. But the BSRI doesn’t measure physical characteristics—how one dresses, walks and talks. Growing up, I was a bit of a tomboy, but I enjoyed playing with dolls just as much as I loved building forts in the snow. Now, I look like a woman, but think like a man—my mind is more naturally attuned to qualities that are considered socially desirable and culturally appropriate for males.
Gender roles seem to be rooted in survival. In the 1600’s, it was more likely that women had as many babies as possible to provide labor for the family than because they possessed a feminine urge to nurture children. Two hundred years ago, women who had an interest in college education and a career were considered eccentric and unfeminine. Today intellectual pursuits apply to both genders, and the epitome of the modern woman is one who can do it all: marriage, motherhood and career. Is the 21st century superwoman less feminine for her achievements or is she Bem’s vision of androgynous perfection?
Androgyny may be the modern ideal, but most people still cling to their stereotypical ideas of masculinity and femininity. The father who wouldn’t think of enrolling his graceful son in ballet class is the same politician who virulently opposes gay marriage. Social Evolution is telling us we don’t need to conform anymore, but the majority prefers to see the world in blue and pink, even though we all fall into different places on the gender identity spectrum.
This spectrum honors the laws of attraction. When I was a child, I couldn’t imagine being attracted to girls. Opening my mind to the unconventional allowed my true sexuality to emerge; I became receptive to parts of the spectrum that “socially desirable” influences pre-programmed me to ignore. Imagine a world in which biological sex is insignificant in terms of what is considered socially desirable. There would be less gender dysphoria, more androgyny and bisexuality
Marc Breedlove discovered that the genes linked to the development of the ovaries and testes also control the development of the fingers. You can learn something about yourself by examining your hands. My forefingers are slightly longer than my ring fingers, therefore I had more estrogen in the womb, which means…it all makes sense now! I’m half man, half woman. The bottom line is we are all masculine and feminine in different contexts. You can say that you’re never going to be attracted to this or that, male or female, but how do you know? “In relationships, what’s important is finding a complementary energy in the spectrum,” says Lei, a bisexual woman living in Brooklyn. “To me, a person’s gender has never been an ultimate, defining element of someone’s essence. There’s a lot more to attraction than what’s between someone’s legs.” I guess I have at least one thing in common with my cousin. I want everyone to be like me: beyond gender.
Dear lusty readers: want to see me in the flesh? I will be appearing at the Happy Endling Lounge, (301 Broome St.);Wednesday September 20 at 8 p.m., free, in “Revenge of the Sex Columnists!”
