It was his first time. Though uneasy at first, he pleased like a pro: graceful and hot. There was really no telling that he was a beginner. He seemed to know the moves instinctually—no fumbling or bumbling, no awkward breaches of etiquette. He glided smoothly from one position to the next and placed his lips on the right place at the right time—whether on verbal command or in response to a wiggle or moan. Nobody was disappointed. Seeing him in the midst of pleasure turned me on as I remembered my first time … curiosity leading to anticipation, the high I experienced when I knew I was in the moment, losing all sense of time in the moist tangle of limbs and hair. I felt double the ecstasy knowing he had tossed away the buoy of inhibitions to swim in the mingling of heartbeats and juices, without any coaxing from his captain.
We left the orgy at around five in the morning. I revel in sharing this part of my life with lovers. Usually their participation is an extension of their involvement with me; I invite them to parties and they come because they’re open and curious. It’s like playing tour guide to the friend visiting from out of town. I take her to my preferred neighborhoods, favorite restaurants and places where I know there’s a scene. I feel proud passing on my knowledge of these excavations, because I know how unlikely it is that she will ever come across them herself. If I am successful in impressing her with these wonders, my status as a New Yorker is validated. And so it goes with the erotic underground.
Recently, an ex-lover asked me if I would be his sexual ambassador. How could I refuse? Although I broke off romantic relations with him, I was flattered that he asked me to be his escort into a world that is daunting and scary to those who have never lost themselves in a pile of naked strangers. He wouldn’t have asked just anyone. If you’ve never been to a sex party before, most likely you would want to go with someone you trust, someone with whom you feel safe. Maybe it’s not so surprising that he asked me; after all, we have been intimate, and he doesn’t know any other swingers. Still, it’s nice to be affirmed of one’s place in the realm of pleasure. His desire to be taken under my wing makes me feel like a role model or an expert, even though all I’m really doing is being myself.
So I’ll be myself with a slightly different intention. While he’s working on deconstructing culturally-imbedded sexual programming, my mission shall be to ensure diplomacy in every negotiation, whatever the exchange. Interested parties must consent and pursue relations in an ethical manner. Boundaries shall be respected at all times. When I see him on the edge of sensual solidarity, transfixed with awe and trembling with gratitude as he watches me deliver the benevolence of a leather flogger to a submissive woman’s rear, I’ll know my goodwill shall not be forgotten.
It’s not just about orgies. I’ll educate him in matters of polyamory through the lens of my experience. I’ll recommend relevant literature, bring up a fetish for discussion, invite him to a provocative play. So how about that character getting off on a puppet with a dildo while the puppeteer remains fully clothed, invisible in her bed? How does that make you feel? I brought my Mexican lover to see Fuckplays, a collection of one-act plays that dive uncensored into sex through fantasy, fetish, violence and love. His laughter and vocal moments of recognition reflected upon me as if I was representing the action on stage, even though I had nothing to do with it. The theater was a platform for revealing pieces of myself … have I ever used the manipulations of someone’s hand to get myself off, not caring about the mind and heart orchestrating its dance? Waxed cynical about love? Exposed a kink to a stranger? Talking about sex or expressing erotic themes through art can as effective, or sometimes even more so, than endorsing good old fashioned bump and grind.
The true sexual ambassador is not limited to corporal terrain. Her purpose thrives on encouraging curious minds to question everything they think they know about sex based on the myths they were raised to believe, and offering alternatives to those myths. They may not choose the alternatives, but at least they’ll be aware of them. When you cultivate awareness, everybody wins. During the post-orgy early-morning cab ride, my lover said, “I feel closer to you … I feel like I know you better.” Mission accomplished. Although it was his first time, we’re both all the richer for it.
