SULLIVAN: On Sunday, June 17 the U.S. Open will hold the Championship Round and not many people will care. Golf as a spectator sport is right up there with lacrosse and rugby—boring.
Now, what golf needs to spice up the slow “watching the grass grow” quality of play is if the golfers could go at it with each other in the rough. Golf needs what hockey has—a little brawling. Think of it as 2006 reigning champ, Geoff Ogilvy, walks to the 15th hole and Tiger Woods blindsides him with a massive shot to the head. They fall on the grass while the Aussie Ogilvy breaks out some Down Under fighting skills on our man Tiger. But Woods is in good shape and slams Ogilvy onto the grass, runs to his ball and lets go with a sweet shot to the green.
The Refs—if there’s to be fighting in golf, we will need refs—flag Ogilvy for a cheap shot and take a stroke off his score. Woods pulls ahead and an American wins the U.S. Open for the first time in four years.
Now if the sport of golf would let the players go, we might have something to watch. And if the players don’t want to mix it up let them have their caddies battle it out for them. A caddy could be like a hired goon in hockey. As the golfers dally about on the greens, the caddies could be off to the side slugging it out. We could get shots of Woods sinking a 50-foot putt and then his caddy being slammed into a sand pit. Now, that would be sport.
HOLLANDER: Holy ham sandwich, I may actually agree with you about this. It’s all there for a good fight: You got clubs, spiked shoes and a manicured surface. And you’ve got all this below-the-surface animosity. These guys don’t like each other but they’re stifled by the sport’s traditional politesse from venting their competitive aggression like other sports.
Just a few weeks ago, South African Rory Sabbatini called out Tiger Woods, saying Woods was “more beatable than ever.” Tiger shot back by saying, “I’ve won three time this year, the same amount he’s won in his career.” Now that’s not exactly talking smack by anyone’s standards, but it’s a good start. I also like that Sabbatini runs with an entourage dubbed “Rory’s Rowdy Roadies.” Sound like these knuckleheads just need little time at the 19th hole and we could have ourselves a good old fashion melee at the greens.
This year’s U.S. Open is being held outside of Pittsburgh. Let some of those blue-collar Steelers fans in the door. You know nobody’s at the Pirates game, so it shouldn’t be hard to round up some unemployed steel workers.
At least with car racing, a fatal crash will break the monotony. Likewise, interminable boredom of televised golf can be salvaged if, once in a while, you let these guys pound each other. It’ll keep these guys on their toes. Plus, this might create a reason to see John Daly at major again. None of this is to mention the catfights we’d see in the LPGA.
SULLIVAN: The only reason golf is on TV is that there’s a well-off group of people who play golf on the weekends and fancy themselves as “playas.” Mike and the Mad Dog of WFAN will go on ad nauseam on golf because golf is the only sport those two pant loads could ever play.
I like the Pittsburgh angle with the U.S. Open being played at Oakmont. Pittsburgh is a tough town and if golf is ever going to show it has some guts, Pittsburgh will be the place the sport makes its stand. You know Tiger Woods is dying to smack one of those snotty Euro golfers in the face. Let’s give him a venue to do it. And Big John Daly might find a reason to put down his smokes and booze if he could use some of that negative energy by opening up a can of whoop-ass on Singh or Ogilvy.
And if they won’t fight in golf I see sports writers should have a go at each other. Phil Mushnick should wrestle Mike Francesca from WFAN and end their feud in a ring. I would like to take you out, but me taking on a Hollander would be like shooting fish in a barrel, so I guess me and Tim McCarver could go a few rounds.
Hollander, as you are the smaller man of this column, you can choose between the two mighty mites—Mike Lupica or Bob Costas. You lose to one of those midgets, don’t come back. I’ll have to trace Spike Vrusho down and give him your slot.
HOLLANDER: I have never swung a golf club in my life, nor has my father who is 75 years old. When he’s asked why he doesn’t do golf, he says, “I’m not that old yet.” You see, we Hollanders like contact sports. It’s typical of you, and an insult to your otherwise respectable Sullivan clan, that you would choose an old codger like McCarver for your opponent. I’ll take on the entire WFAN staff one at a time, king of the hill style. Thinking about it now, it might be fun to bludgeon Gary Apple with a nine iron.
Golf needs something. I know it’s more popular than ever, but that only makes me sadder for the future of sport. With names like Fuzzy Zoeller, Ernie Els, Tiger Woods, Vijay Singh and Davis Love III, the PGA sounds more like a hip-hop band than a professional sports association. The whole things needs a shot in the arm. Just like you need a shot in that hang-dog puss you wear around.
You’re the kind of guy who cheats in miniature golf. That’s totally you. Admit it: You’ve gotten into arguments on first dates over a miniature golf score.
And why the hell isn’t Al Gore campaigning against golf courses? Every time they plow under some field or woods area to make another golf course the world doesn’t need, that’s got to have an adverse effect on our environment. The inconvenient truth is that so many politicians and CEOs make their sweetheart deals on the greens of exclusive (read: racist and sexist) country clubs that, without them, they’d have to meet where people would actually see them together. A golf course is the ultimate refuge for classists.
Golf! They should pour a flammable scotch over the entire thing and burn it down for good.
