You better not cheat. You better not lie. You better not gay-marry, I’m telling you why: Benedict is coming to town.
That’s right. His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has just announced he will be visiting New York City from April 18th to 20th. As could be expected, his timing is infallible. He’ll be hitting our fair city right between Tax Day and Passover, the sweet spot when the maximum number of Jews are distracted.
The main stops on the official papal itinerary have been made public: An address to the United Nations, a mass at St. Patrick’s, a youth event at St. Joseph’s Seminary in Yonkers, a visit to Ground Zero and a large public mass at Yankee Stadium.
But when it comes to the Vatican, let’s face it—the most interesting stuff is the secrets. Fortunately, the Press has managed to get its hands on Benny’s unofficial calendar as well. Here are some of the highlights:
Friday, April 18th
TIMES SQUARE
While not the Sodom & Gomorrah it used to be, this ESPN Zone of iniquity still teems with countless tasks for His Eminence to attend to (you might even say his iCal runneth over). Among them:
• Emulating the model of Christ by attempting to clothe the Naked Cowboy (tip: $2)
• Issuing a Papal Bull proclaiming that the Black Israelites shall not get into Black Heaven
• Seeking to reverse the Church’s declining members by donning an orange rain poncho, standing outside Caroline’s and handing out recruitment fliers. (Sample pitch: “He-ey, do you like piety?”)
TV TOURS
• Surprising as it may seem, Benedict is a hardcore television addict. Around Vatican City (or as he annoyingly insists on calling it, “The V.C.”), he’s referred to as The Couch Pontiff.
• So he’s certainly not going to let this trip go by without scoping out some of his favorite locations. Among the Holy See’s “Must-See”s:
• Kramer Reality Tour—Whether its eponymous star is among God’s elect or not (and what the deal is with that), Seinfeld remains the Father’s all-time favorite show “de nihilo.” Of particular interest for the former Joseph Ratzinger is a chance to help the Soup Nazi deny his past involvement in the Soup Hitler Youth.
• Sex and the City Tour—OK, admittedly, he’s only watching the edited-down TBS version. (A common question to the Cardinals is “Why so much City?”) And we all know how he feels about Prada shoes. So when those four “whores of Babylon” come on the screen, good luck getting this loyal viewer ex cathedra. (However, it does bear noting that the Holy Father does not condone Shoegasms except in the context of marital procreation.)
• Top of the Rock – Yes, the view of the city from atop 30 Rockefeller Plaza is breathtaking. But as the Rock upon which Christ has built his church (Matt. 16:18), what the leader of all Catholics truly enjoys is yelling, “Look! I’m the Rock – on top of the Rock! Eh?” The Pope’s ability to repeat this indefinitely will go unchecked in the absence of a descendant to say, “Oh, Grandpa…”
WILLIAMSBURG
After a “Pope crawl” through favorite local Catholic watering holes Shrine (a former shrine), Convent (Ladies’ Night every night!), and Wafer (SRO, for one), His Holiness will—despite the best efforts of his acolytes—endeavor to “drunk-pray” (“I love you, Jeshush…”), and then dismiss an entire recently trendy neighborhood as “So Vatican II.”
Saturday, April 19th
As you may recall, the Holy Father got into a bit of hot holy water last fall, when he insulted the world’s Muslims, and then sort of half-apologized that he felt bad about it (a statement known in the Catholic rite as a “Mea Kinda.”)
More insulted still, though, were the thousands of races and creeds he left out. Fortunately, New York City offers the perfect concentrated area for the maximum dissemination of “sacred snaps,” which the Pontiff will dispense during his…
INSULT-AND-HALF-ASSED-APOLOGY TOUR OF NEW YORK NEIGHBORHOODS
Some don’t-miss faux-pas/backpedals:
• Little Italy: “Peace be upon you, fat guys in sweatsuits and tall-haired women… No wait, you don’t understand—I loved the ’80s too.”
• Jackson Heights: “Thank you for your many wonderful Slurpees and tech-support-line-answerings…. What? I said ‘wonderful.’”
• Spanish Harlem: “Tu es muy caliente, como una copa de salsa …Oh, sor-ry. Usted es muy caliente…”
ST. JOHN THE DIVINE
No trip to New York would be complete without a stop in the largest Cathedral in the world—a fact the Pontiff will find a way to work in no less than every five minutes. Further, he will be filled with questions for St. John officers and clergy on how it might be enlarged further—until someone works up the courage to tell him that every remaining square inch in the area is now owned by Columbia.
On his way out, desultorily slurping down an iced “Pope-a-cino” from the Hungarian Pastry Shop, Benedict will take one look at the fantastical, Lewis Caroll-esque sculpture garden on St. John’s grounds and papally decree that it be made “less crazy-ass.”
COMEDY CELLAR
Dave Chappelle, Robin Williams, Garry Shandling – on a given night, any of the Greats could drop in here and do a set. This night, the Greatest of all takes the mic for a “tight, holy five minutes.”
Some of the topics percolating inside that mitre:
• The hilarious differences between the way saved and unsaved people drive.
• Imitations of his comedically ethnic-sounding German mother on the phone (“Vy you don’t just meet a nice girl and settle down, Joe-Joe?”)
• Those meals that you get on
airplanes—specifically, how they never contain anything transubstantiable.
• “Why don’t they just make the whole Popemobile out of that bulletproof glass they use for the windshield?”
• “Am I right, ladies? Actually, don’t answer that—your opinion matters not.”
ON THE LAST DAY
Sunday, April 20th
STREET FAIR
The Pontiff will make short work of this New York institution, proclaiming the deep-fried Oreo an “abomination” and the 50-cent pair of tube socks “a miracle.”
Somewhat confusingly, he will then heavily indulge in both.
CBGB
Like so many before him, the Pope will make pilgrimage to this hallowed shrine to minimal chord structures. After commenting on how “In the opinion of the Holy Catholic Order, it appears nothing has been done to alter the fragrance!” and futilely attempting to purchase an “OMFUG” baby-tee (for whom, he suspiciously will refuse to disclose), Benedict (known to his friends back in the day as “Joey Ratz”) will boast, unconvincingly, of how he, too, was in the audience the night “that hermaphrodite named Smith took the stage.”
SOLD-OUT STADIUM SHOWS
After holding the Great Mass at Yankee Stadium, the Holy Father will proceed directly to Shea Stadium, for the Great Wake. Our Latin’s admittedly a bit patchy, but here’s a translation of what we can expect to hear:
“Into your hands, Father of Post-Season Play, we commend our Mets in the sure and certain hope that, together with all who have choked against the Phillies and squandered their seven-game lead in the East, they will rise again next season.”
He will conclude with the public excommunication of Willie Randolph, and the burning of Scott Schoeneweis at the stake (an ancient ritual dating back to the days when baseball “was still a game”).
DEPARTURE: JFK
Theological note to self: Not even the direct intercession of Heaven itself can create movement where there is none on the Van Wyck.
That’s right. His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has just announced he will be visiting New York City from April 18th to 20th. As could be expected, his timing is infallible. He’ll be hitting our fair city right between Tax Day and Passover, the sweet spot when the maximum number of Jews are distracted.
The main stops on the official papal itinerary have been made public: An address to the United Nations, a mass at St. Patrick’s, a youth event at St. Joseph’s Seminary in Yonkers, a visit to Ground Zero and a large public mass at Yankee Stadium.
But when it comes to the Vatican, let’s face it—the most interesting stuff is the secrets. Fortunately, the Press has managed to get its hands on Benny’s unofficial calendar as well. Here are some of the highlights:
Friday, April 18th
TIMES SQUARE
While not the Sodom & Gomorrah it used to be, this ESPN Zone of iniquity still teems with countless tasks for His Eminence to attend to (you might even say his iCal runneth over). Among them:
• Emulating the model of Christ by attempting to clothe the Naked Cowboy (tip: $2)
• Issuing a Papal Bull proclaiming that the Black Israelites shall not get into Black Heaven
• Seeking to reverse the Church’s declining members by donning an orange rain poncho, standing outside Caroline’s and handing out recruitment fliers. (Sample pitch: “He-ey, do you like piety?”)
TV TOURS
• Surprising as it may seem, Benedict is a hardcore television addict. Around Vatican City (or as he annoyingly insists on calling it, “The V.C.”), he’s referred to as The Couch Pontiff.
• So he’s certainly not going to let this trip go by without scoping out some of his favorite locations. Among the Holy See’s “Must-See”s:
• Kramer Reality Tour—Whether its eponymous star is among God’s elect or not (and what the deal is with that), Seinfeld remains the Father’s all-time favorite show “de nihilo.” Of particular interest for the former Joseph Ratzinger is a chance to help the Soup Nazi deny his past involvement in the Soup Hitler Youth.
• Sex and the City Tour—OK, admittedly, he’s only watching the edited-down TBS version. (A common question to the Cardinals is “Why so much City?”) And we all know how he feels about Prada shoes. So when those four “whores of Babylon” come on the screen, good luck getting this loyal viewer ex cathedra. (However, it does bear noting that the Holy Father does not condone Shoegasms except in the context of marital procreation.)
• Top of the Rock – Yes, the view of the city from atop 30 Rockefeller Plaza is breathtaking. But as the Rock upon which Christ has built his church (Matt. 16:18), what the leader of all Catholics truly enjoys is yelling, “Look! I’m the Rock – on top of the Rock! Eh?” The Pope’s ability to repeat this indefinitely will go unchecked in the absence of a descendant to say, “Oh, Grandpa…”
WILLIAMSBURG
After a “Pope crawl” through favorite local Catholic watering holes Shrine (a former shrine), Convent (Ladies’ Night every night!), and Wafer (SRO, for one), His Holiness will—despite the best efforts of his acolytes—endeavor to “drunk-pray” (“I love you, Jeshush…”), and then dismiss an entire recently trendy neighborhood as “So Vatican II.”
Saturday, April 19th
As you may recall, the Holy Father got into a bit of hot holy water last fall, when he insulted the world’s Muslims, and then sort of half-apologized that he felt bad about it (a statement known in the Catholic rite as a “Mea Kinda.”)
More insulted still, though, were the thousands of races and creeds he left out. Fortunately, New York City offers the perfect concentrated area for the maximum dissemination of “sacred snaps,” which the Pontiff will dispense during his…
INSULT-AND-HALF-ASSED-APOLOGY TOUR OF NEW YORK NEIGHBORHOODS
Some don’t-miss faux-pas/backpedals:
• Little Italy: “Peace be upon you, fat guys in sweatsuits and tall-haired women… No wait, you don’t understand—I loved the ’80s too.”
• Jackson Heights: “Thank you for your many wonderful Slurpees and tech-support-line-answerings…. What? I said ‘wonderful.’”
• Spanish Harlem: “Tu es muy caliente, como una copa de salsa …Oh, sor-ry. Usted es muy caliente…”
ST. JOHN THE DIVINE
No trip to New York would be complete without a stop in the largest Cathedral in the world—a fact the Pontiff will find a way to work in no less than every five minutes. Further, he will be filled with questions for St. John officers and clergy on how it might be enlarged further—until someone works up the courage to tell him that every remaining square inch in the area is now owned by Columbia.
On his way out, desultorily slurping down an iced “Pope-a-cino” from the Hungarian Pastry Shop, Benedict will take one look at the fantastical, Lewis Caroll-esque sculpture garden on St. John’s grounds and papally decree that it be made “less crazy-ass.”
COMEDY CELLAR
Dave Chappelle, Robin Williams, Garry Shandling – on a given night, any of the Greats could drop in here and do a set. This night, the Greatest of all takes the mic for a “tight, holy five minutes.”
Some of the topics percolating inside that mitre:
• The hilarious differences between the way saved and unsaved people drive.
• Imitations of his comedically ethnic-sounding German mother on the phone (“Vy you don’t just meet a nice girl and settle down, Joe-Joe?”)
• Those meals that you get on
airplanes—specifically, how they never contain anything transubstantiable.
• “Why don’t they just make the whole Popemobile out of that bulletproof glass they use for the windshield?”
• “Am I right, ladies? Actually, don’t answer that—your opinion matters not.”
ON THE LAST DAY
Sunday, April 20th
STREET FAIR
The Pontiff will make short work of this New York institution, proclaiming the deep-fried Oreo an “abomination” and the 50-cent pair of tube socks “a miracle.”
Somewhat confusingly, he will then heavily indulge in both.
CBGB
Like so many before him, the Pope will make pilgrimage to this hallowed shrine to minimal chord structures. After commenting on how “In the opinion of the Holy Catholic Order, it appears nothing has been done to alter the fragrance!” and futilely attempting to purchase an “OMFUG” baby-tee (for whom, he suspiciously will refuse to disclose), Benedict (known to his friends back in the day as “Joey Ratz”) will boast, unconvincingly, of how he, too, was in the audience the night “that hermaphrodite named Smith took the stage.”
SOLD-OUT STADIUM SHOWS
After holding the Great Mass at Yankee Stadium, the Holy Father will proceed directly to Shea Stadium, for the Great Wake. Our Latin’s admittedly a bit patchy, but here’s a translation of what we can expect to hear:
“Into your hands, Father of Post-Season Play, we commend our Mets in the sure and certain hope that, together with all who have choked against the Phillies and squandered their seven-game lead in the East, they will rise again next season.”
He will conclude with the public excommunication of Willie Randolph, and the burning of Scott Schoeneweis at the stake (an ancient ritual dating back to the days when baseball “was still a game”).
DEPARTURE: JFK
Theological note to self: Not even the direct intercession of Heaven itself can create movement where there is none on the Van Wyck.
