Dear Bradford,
1. I stole your camera, the one you used to steal a photo of me naked drinking from my flask in your bed. It was only fair. I developed the pictures with every intention of returning them to you (with mine removed, of course). I was half-disappointed/half-excited to find the roll did not consist exclusively of naked girls in your bed looking surprised—just as I’d been when you’d ordered me to say “Cheese!” I guess I misjudged you. They were mostly family photos. From Thanksgiving? Your mom seems nice. Anyway, sorry about that. I like the one of you peeing, by the way, though it came out a bit blurry. I’d had to snap it in a hurry, worried you might turn around at any moment and completely ruin the naturalness I’d worked to capture in the shot. I tried to get another one of you the following morning, but you had locked the door that time. Anyway, they are doubles—a deal at K-mart.
2. I also stole five cigarettes; I wanted to smoke five at once, like a five-pronged cigar, in the morning while you were in the shower. I figured it was the equivalent of you stealing my last one last week at my place before you slipped out the door. I have enclosed five cigarettes in this package along with the photos as a gesture of my goodwill.
3. I left some breakfast for you on your coffee table: beef jerky and Gummi Bears. Did you like it? I picked it up from the dollar store (along with a tiny bottle labeled “Spanish Fly,” some disappearing ink and a Whoopee Cushion) while on my way to your place Friday, already having an idea you wouldn’t ask me to dine in the morning. Presumptuous? Sorry if you found it so.
4. I’m sorry I drank all the wine. I was so thirsty, you see, and you had kept pouring earlier. When the bottle ran out and you were on the phone, I poured your remainder into my glass. I just figured you’d have wanted me to have it. Sorry I broke the stemware, by the way, while we’re on the subject. Honestly, that was an accident. I hadn’t done “The Worm” in a while, and I guess I’m not as good as I used to be.
5. I’m sorry about your sheets. My period should have been over. If you recall, the “Morning After” pill I had to take after our miraculous first date last week can sometimes throw the cycle off. Something to remember me by, I guess. I also took $50 from your wallet to pay for the pill. We’ll call it a “gentleman’s tax” for now and save baby-naming conversations for the dinner after you’ve won me back.
6. I’m sorry I swallowed the remainder of the Spanish Fly, which tasted much more like cough syrup. I’ve always enjoyed cough syrup, so I didn’t really mind its funny side effect of clearing my nasal passages all that much. I remember how you’d been so profligate with my gift of it on Friday night, the way you waved it before me like some hot voodoo promise—and it had worked so well, didn’t it? It seemed to calm us both; indeed, it put you to sleep almost immediately, or rather immediately after you declared sexual congress adjourned. Then I thought, why not polish off the remainder on my way out the door? But these are mere excuses. I don’t know why I swallowed the fly, actually, as if that would help at all to catch what I’d swallowed earlier.
7. I’m sorry I punched you in the stomach after the movie before dinner when you tried to kiss me. I almost forgot. It was an accident. I was just trying to imitate that old Houdini trick.
8. I’m sorry I flushed the downstairs toilet while you were in the shower upstairs. Were you scalded? I just wanted to say “hi” again and let you know that I was on my way out.
9. I’m sorry I called my Aunt Marion long distance. No excuses. I just had been meaning to call her for a while, and the phone was right there; plus, I felt so lonely listening to the shower running. You must have gotten terribly clean.
10. I’m sorry the sun rose. Philosophically speaking, I’ll put it to you now the way I put it to myself then, as I sat waiting in the front room for you to emerge and kiss me good-bye: Is there any real difference between a Friday night date and the morning after, other than the moon has settled, the sun has risen, and you have locked yourself away to perform your toilette while I’m left at ground level to button my coat alone?
11. I’m sorry I left that hole in your wall. When I was leaving I might have misjudged the maneuvering of my bike and the handlebar went through the paneling a little. Must have been the Spanish Fly that threw my balance off. I tried to cover it up with the leftover adhesive tape we had used to set your penis after the incident. Sorry about that, too. I was trying out a new maneuver I had read in one of the women’s magazines in preparation for our date. I was so excited to see you!
12. I’m sorry I told you that story about being born a hermaphrodite. When I said “my friend,” I really didn’t mean myself under veiled terms. I told you this after seeing a story about hermaphrodites on 20/20 with Barbara Walters, which I thought would be more interesting told as a personal anecdote.
13. I’m sorry I pinched the busboy’s behind in the restaurant and then motioned to you as if you had done it.
14. I’m sorry about the Jewish joke, the Polish joke, the Italian joke and the black joke.
15. I’m sorry I kidnapped your sickly goldfish—you’ll be glad to know that he is thriving.
16. I’m sorry I peed on your feet without warning—it’s a homeopathic remedy for athlete’s foot, and I wanted nothing more than for you to have healthy feet. (Also, see Spanish Fly.)
17. I’m sorry I connected your birthmarks with my Sharpie pen in a fit of romance.
I was trying to suggest stars and that your body was like the heavens. Maybe I could have just said so out loud, but you were asleep, and I felt shy about waking you.
I thought it so sweet: your little and big
dipper.
18. I’m sorry about dipping your hand in warm water while you slept. It’s just that I couldn’t sleep, and well, I thought you’d find it funny. What else was I to do, lying there all bothered?
19. I’m sorry I hid your keys (in the plant, by the window). It seemed funny at the time. I’d planned to tell you where they were as soon as you called up missing me, never thinking for a moment you wouldn’t be calling.
20. I’m sorry I placed that item about you on Craigslist. You’ll see.
21. I’m sorry I spelled my name next to yours on your living room rug with disappearing ink. When last I looked before finally leaving, the names were encircled by a hideously blue heart. But perhaps it was gone by the time you got out of the shower. And no apology for this, after all, is necessary.
Yours regretfully,
Iris
1. I stole your camera, the one you used to steal a photo of me naked drinking from my flask in your bed. It was only fair. I developed the pictures with every intention of returning them to you (with mine removed, of course). I was half-disappointed/half-excited to find the roll did not consist exclusively of naked girls in your bed looking surprised—just as I’d been when you’d ordered me to say “Cheese!” I guess I misjudged you. They were mostly family photos. From Thanksgiving? Your mom seems nice. Anyway, sorry about that. I like the one of you peeing, by the way, though it came out a bit blurry. I’d had to snap it in a hurry, worried you might turn around at any moment and completely ruin the naturalness I’d worked to capture in the shot. I tried to get another one of you the following morning, but you had locked the door that time. Anyway, they are doubles—a deal at K-mart.
2. I also stole five cigarettes; I wanted to smoke five at once, like a five-pronged cigar, in the morning while you were in the shower. I figured it was the equivalent of you stealing my last one last week at my place before you slipped out the door. I have enclosed five cigarettes in this package along with the photos as a gesture of my goodwill.
3. I left some breakfast for you on your coffee table: beef jerky and Gummi Bears. Did you like it? I picked it up from the dollar store (along with a tiny bottle labeled “Spanish Fly,” some disappearing ink and a Whoopee Cushion) while on my way to your place Friday, already having an idea you wouldn’t ask me to dine in the morning. Presumptuous? Sorry if you found it so.
4. I’m sorry I drank all the wine. I was so thirsty, you see, and you had kept pouring earlier. When the bottle ran out and you were on the phone, I poured your remainder into my glass. I just figured you’d have wanted me to have it. Sorry I broke the stemware, by the way, while we’re on the subject. Honestly, that was an accident. I hadn’t done “The Worm” in a while, and I guess I’m not as good as I used to be.
5. I’m sorry about your sheets. My period should have been over. If you recall, the “Morning After” pill I had to take after our miraculous first date last week can sometimes throw the cycle off. Something to remember me by, I guess. I also took $50 from your wallet to pay for the pill. We’ll call it a “gentleman’s tax” for now and save baby-naming conversations for the dinner after you’ve won me back.
6. I’m sorry I swallowed the remainder of the Spanish Fly, which tasted much more like cough syrup. I’ve always enjoyed cough syrup, so I didn’t really mind its funny side effect of clearing my nasal passages all that much. I remember how you’d been so profligate with my gift of it on Friday night, the way you waved it before me like some hot voodoo promise—and it had worked so well, didn’t it? It seemed to calm us both; indeed, it put you to sleep almost immediately, or rather immediately after you declared sexual congress adjourned. Then I thought, why not polish off the remainder on my way out the door? But these are mere excuses. I don’t know why I swallowed the fly, actually, as if that would help at all to catch what I’d swallowed earlier.
7. I’m sorry I punched you in the stomach after the movie before dinner when you tried to kiss me. I almost forgot. It was an accident. I was just trying to imitate that old Houdini trick.
8. I’m sorry I flushed the downstairs toilet while you were in the shower upstairs. Were you scalded? I just wanted to say “hi” again and let you know that I was on my way out.
9. I’m sorry I called my Aunt Marion long distance. No excuses. I just had been meaning to call her for a while, and the phone was right there; plus, I felt so lonely listening to the shower running. You must have gotten terribly clean.
10. I’m sorry the sun rose. Philosophically speaking, I’ll put it to you now the way I put it to myself then, as I sat waiting in the front room for you to emerge and kiss me good-bye: Is there any real difference between a Friday night date and the morning after, other than the moon has settled, the sun has risen, and you have locked yourself away to perform your toilette while I’m left at ground level to button my coat alone?
11. I’m sorry I left that hole in your wall. When I was leaving I might have misjudged the maneuvering of my bike and the handlebar went through the paneling a little. Must have been the Spanish Fly that threw my balance off. I tried to cover it up with the leftover adhesive tape we had used to set your penis after the incident. Sorry about that, too. I was trying out a new maneuver I had read in one of the women’s magazines in preparation for our date. I was so excited to see you!
12. I’m sorry I told you that story about being born a hermaphrodite. When I said “my friend,” I really didn’t mean myself under veiled terms. I told you this after seeing a story about hermaphrodites on 20/20 with Barbara Walters, which I thought would be more interesting told as a personal anecdote.
13. I’m sorry I pinched the busboy’s behind in the restaurant and then motioned to you as if you had done it.
14. I’m sorry about the Jewish joke, the Polish joke, the Italian joke and the black joke.
15. I’m sorry I kidnapped your sickly goldfish—you’ll be glad to know that he is thriving.
16. I’m sorry I peed on your feet without warning—it’s a homeopathic remedy for athlete’s foot, and I wanted nothing more than for you to have healthy feet. (Also, see Spanish Fly.)
17. I’m sorry I connected your birthmarks with my Sharpie pen in a fit of romance.
I was trying to suggest stars and that your body was like the heavens. Maybe I could have just said so out loud, but you were asleep, and I felt shy about waking you.
I thought it so sweet: your little and big
dipper.
18. I’m sorry about dipping your hand in warm water while you slept. It’s just that I couldn’t sleep, and well, I thought you’d find it funny. What else was I to do, lying there all bothered?
19. I’m sorry I hid your keys (in the plant, by the window). It seemed funny at the time. I’d planned to tell you where they were as soon as you called up missing me, never thinking for a moment you wouldn’t be calling.
20. I’m sorry I placed that item about you on Craigslist. You’ll see.
21. I’m sorry I spelled my name next to yours on your living room rug with disappearing ink. When last I looked before finally leaving, the names were encircled by a hideously blue heart. But perhaps it was gone by the time you got out of the shower. And no apology for this, after all, is necessary.
Yours regretfully,
Iris
