Dear Mark, A former co-worker and friend used to flirt with me a lot when we went out drinking, and then one day I ended up having a threesome with him and his noncommittal fuck buddy. While I wasn’t super into my coworker during the whole thing, his friend was super hot, and I want to spend more time with him. Can I hook up with/date this guy without destroying my friend’s ego?
Well, the short answer is that the heart wants what it wants, so don’t feel bad about going after the guy you really like. But assuming you want to keep your friend, there are a couple of ways of breaking the news to him. First question: Is he still flirting with you, or did it seem like the hookup got it out of his system? If he has moved on to his next crush, I would casually tell him about yours. Mention that you’re still thinking about his fuck buddy and that you might give him a call, but don’t turn the news into a big deal. Chances are, your friend will be happy for you. However, if it seems like he’s still into you, then you may have a Pussycat Dolls situation.
Their current single is the surprisingly addictive “I Hate This Part,” which chronicles the head Pussycat’s realization that she needs to break it off with her boyfriend. And she “hates the part” of a relationship where she has to end it. “The world slows down, but my heart beats fast right now,” she says. “I know this is the part where the end starts.” Ain’t it the truth? Now, you’re not actually dating your friend, but if he’s still flirting, then you may have to walk the awkward terrain of a changing relationship. My advice? Call your crush first. See if he’s interested in going out. If he isn’t, then no harm, no foul. If he is, then it’s time to tell your friend about it. As before, say it casually. If your friend seems upset, then let him talk about it.The important thing is that you demonstrate how you are not abandoning your friendship by seeing this other guy. Continuing to be there might help his bruised ego, which will make the part you hate much easier to endure.
Dear Mark, How do I get my girlfriend to quit hooking on Second Life?
Awesome.This question is just… awesome.
For one thing, it led me to all sorts of articles about Second Life prostitution, which I didn’t even know existed. For another, it used the word “hooking” as a verb. But back to your question: I can appreciate that it would be upsetting to know your girlfriend was having virtual sex with another person, especially if the person at the other computer was virtually paying for it. It’s not like she’s cheating on you physically, but emotionally, she’s being intimate (and erotic) in real-time with another human being. It’s not that different than having anonymous phone sex, which strikes me as a clear-cut example of violating the privacy of a relationship.
You need to get Bill Withers on your girlfriend. Next time you know she’s hooking online, ask, “Who is he, and what is he to you?” (Or “she.”) Let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and explain why. Of course, it’s possible that she won’t stop, but that would be a sign of bigger problems that were bound to come up anyway.
Dear Mark, I am a New Yorker who recently moved to the West Coast. I want to make new friends, but I am not sure how to meet people in a new place. What would you do?
As Bette Midler told all those guys in the baths, you gotta have friends. But since baths aren’t as readily available as they used to be, it’s probably easier to try the interwebs.
If you don’t have any friends in your current town—or you want to meet people who don’t already know the friends you’ve got—the best place to start is with community-oriented websites. Log on to Craigslist (or a similar site) and find a class or book group or weekly gathering that speaks directly to your interests.Then put on a clean shirt and start showing up for meetings.
And if you don’t see a group you like, then start one yourself. Itching for an over-30 Twilight discussion group? I’ll bet there are at least four other people in your city who feel the same way. Hungry for all the Asian fusion food you can handle? So is someone else. No matter how it comes together, the group will give you an instant community. From there, you’ll probably find at least one person who’s a candidate for close friendship.You know… someone who wants to keep discussing Twilight after everyone else has gone home.
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