Bash Compactor: Obitter

Although weak and in poor health for a long time, friends say the fatal attack was brought on by a broken heart. Eyewitness accounts seem to bear out this theory. First signs of acute distress were evinced when the diminutive, 25-year-old Douglas started reading from his book subtitled "The Authorized Collection of the Funniest Tweets of All Time"out loud. His favorite joke in the volume was "What's the deal with deaf people, HELLO?" Am Litas he has long affectionately been knowndid not find the sentence funny and began breathing heavily. Scribbling their names on name stickers and sipping Mojitos, none of the Internet nerds gathered around seemed to notice. It continued downhill from there for the legend, and he could soon be seen clutching his chest.Wearing a modish gray suit and blue Twitter bird tie, Douglas continued unfazed, to trumpet his project. "I got a decent advance, enough to live on," he said.

Jessica Amason, who published a book of photos culled from a blog, This is Why You're Fat, was standing nearby. She said she had also "made good money" on her book, which debuted to a high sales rank on Amazon.

With that, poor old Literature began convulsing on the floor. Simon Goetz and Ainsley Drew, although clearly identifiable as writers by the main keys and punctuation marks tattooed on both their bodies, remained nonchalant as they watched the ensuing tragedy. Indeed, as it turned out, they had contributed to it by having work featured in Twitter Wit. Drew admitted they hadn't seen any money, however, from the compendium. Nudging her head in Douglas' direction, she added, "He takes it all."

Asked if he considered himself a writer, Douglas nodded vigorously and barked, "Absolutely!"