Despite asking my editor to find me something sketchy on the Internet for me to put my dick in, he declined on the grounds that I’d perhaps done that once or twice already and instead saddled me with several naughty-cal animals—a penguin, a rubber duckie, a bulge-eyed fish—and a worm (all from Big Teaze Toys) with a salacious smile to try out on a willing victim.
After I picked them up at the New York Press office from my giggling editors, I had to bike around with a messenger bag overflowing with bright plastic creepiness, first to my drug and alcohol counselor’s, then to my lawyer’s and then to the 13th Precinct. Granted, fake veiny cocks would have been unappealing, but I’d rather be a proven perv than a suspected pedophile. If I get hit by a car with this shit in my bag, I silently prayed, just let me die.
Despite the comic effect, the toys seemed to test well with my lovely assistant. Chicks and vibrators are like cats with balls of yarn: familiar as you may be with both cats and balls of yarn independently, you will never com prehend
the magical allure one holds for the other.We started small, with the wily green worm that made her come quickly, using it both outside and in. I guess I was a fan, too, as when I worked it up her ass while she was riding me, I finally began to sense the appeal of vibrators. It would have been her favorite, she said later, as it was an effective G-spot massager but its unforgiving rigidity became uncomfortable when her babymaker started contracting.
The three-speed rubber ducky got the job done and has the added bonus of being easily hidden in plain view, but considering that my assistant has a bald cooter, innocent doe eyes and the body of a curvaceous teen, I felt like I was headed to jail and then Hell. But when I sent the penguin to her Southern Hemisphere while nailing her in the ass, well, that got both of our eyes rolling back in our heads. The penguin was easy to hold, softer and hence easier on the lady parts and is enthusiastically recommended.
And the scary, bulge-eyed fish? Yeah, it was impossible to get the eyeball in her butt. I was able to make her come with it, but it was quickly retired to the windowsill of her bathroom to peer out at passing strangers.
Big Teaze Toys are available at The Pleasure Chest, 156 7th Ave. South (at Charles St.), 212-242-2158, or at www.bigteazetoys.com.
