Well. There you are, in the midst of cuddle season and all alone.Your cute relationship-ridden friends secretly think you’re pathetic, spending lonely nights under the covers watching Curb Your Enthusiasm reruns and filling your bong with tears instead of tap water. But I’m here to comfort you, my single male brethren. In 2009, there were many perks to your existence—and with any luck they’ll all stay through the new year.

 

The Ratio
New York City’s storied 3:1 ratio of single women to men is obviously the greatest perk for males in this city. It not only means you could conceivably carry on a dozen relationships at once, but that perpetually-single women eventually settle into some of the lowest rates of self-confidence in the country.You can deal with relationships like your Netflix.

The Recession
No one has any money and you surely can’t afford to be springing for dinners, shows and wallet-killing luxuries when walking around on dates. That’s just fine. Save that money up and fly solo. Actually, one of the great perks of the recession is that widespread poverty has resulted in the return of cheap prostitution.

The Freedom To Run Away
Too many people fall into a serious relationship and the woman starts clinging by creating some horrible mutual responsibility like owning a cat. Cats are totally absurd! You come home from happy hour and immediately have to mop piss off your cheap linoleum.Who wants that? If you stay single, you can relegate the urination to your sexual practices.What’s better: having a cat or fucking the tits off a random one-night stand and returning home to your bottle of Advil PM before the witching hour?

The Williamsburg Pool Parties
Where else can you find halfnaked women dancing around to music that’s actually pretty good? Certainly not strip clubs. These onesie-clad women make Grizzly Bear tolerable and Jay-Z even showed up last summer!

The Gay Parties
Having a solid stable of gay friends is a must for the single heterosexual male. Have you been to their parties? They’re stocked with unthreatened straight women who drink martinis all night, get left alone and want nothing more than to dance all raunchy right next to you. A few sharp jokes and you’re in.

The Internet
No other city can beat New York as far as online dating opportunities. It’s a simple process and there are many websites just filled with chances for meaningless sex. While Match works for older folks, Nerve has hot singles that are desperate enough to fork over a monthly payment in exchange for their own visibility. OKCupid is like an outlet mall—mostly damaged goods, but the price is right. JDate is great if you can feign

Judaism. The women there usually work in high-paying marketing jobs and will gladly pick up dinner now and then.

The Moms in Park Slope
Thirty-something mothers in Park Slope are usually an annoyance. Their cavalcade of strollers looks like a row of motorcycles outside an AA meeting and they hog all the window seats at the best cafes.Yet don’t be so fast to dismiss their great qualities. Many Park Slope moms are dating failed vegan novelists and you can have affairs with them if you demonstrate the smallest semblance of manhood. An afternoon spent strutting up and down 7th Avenue is an afternoon well spent.

The Mature College Students
New York college girls are another great treat to living here—for teenagers, they’re awfully grown up! Spend a few afternoons near Columbia at Oren’s and you’ll meet 19-year-olds that are more interested in Alain Badiou’s theories on love than being in an actual relationship. If you attend lectures together, you won’t even have to make annoying small talk.

The Spandex Pants and Hoop Earrings
Women with nice asses wearing spandex and big hoop earrings are a summer miracle. Luckily, you can find this look anywhere from Williamsburg pretenders to those amazing faux-Rosie Perez chicks at your bodega. Stay single and gawk all you want.

What’s the worst that could happen? If they yell at you, you’ll still have jerk-off material for the next week.

The Emotional Unavailability
Sure, relationships can be fun, but so can focusing on your own work and life. You end up excelling in your career and can make loads of money, which is best spent on bigger and better drugs, liquor, apartments, entertainment and clothing. Replace relationships with nihilism. It’s actually a great capitalist move and helps fulfill your own personal American dream.

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Carter Maness writes and makes music in downtown Manhattan.You can find more of his work at proyekto.net.