’Cause let’s face it, I think J-Woww is a delight and DJ Pauly D has a certain je ne sais quoi, Jonté but if I were ever in a bar and saw a lady cartwheel into a back bridge, I would be none too happy. This is why I should not have made the trip to SideBAR last Thursday for the Jersey Shore look-a-like contest. The imitators are much, much worse than the real thing.
“You should just call me Mark Wahlberg, ’cause I’m ‘The Happening,’” a gentleman announced to no one at all as I walked into the bar. He was joined in a corner with pal Matt ‘The Fort’ Lee, a roughly 95-pound man in black wife beater, floral shorts and my grandmother’s sunglasses, bearing no real resemblance to any specific cast member. Things only got worse for Matty-boy when he took to the stage and one heckler, whom I really wanted to buy a drink, screamed: “You’re a hipster, you skateboarded here.” Things went better for his friend Christopher, whose midriff-bearing beater and wrap-around shades landed him a spot in the final three. Even more important? Christopher, aka “The Education,” was unemployed.
Just like the entire cast of Jersey Shore!
Also securing a place in the final three were two Snooki look-a-likes: Shanna Banana and Emily Bellini. Bellini made a Snookin' for Love joke (over-played) while Banana seemed like the clear-cut winner, as she was attractive, thin and wearing what appeared to be a sports bra. She also insisted on jumping non-stop. She did do a cartwheel on stage but, as is often the case with really, really pretty people, it was not annoying.What was annoying was Matt ‘The Fort’ Lee and his friends, a J-Woww’er and ‘The Happening,’ who were now going on hour three of fist pounding in the at-capacity bar. I knew things were bound to get even worse when I saw that a Monster promotion was going on and cans were being passed to everyone. I prayed the judges, two dudes and a lady whose scoring system seemed to make no logical sense, would come to a swift decision. And they did! For… ‘The Education!?’ Really? The prize it turns out was $500, making me wish my fun, employed self had stopped drinking long enough to put on some self-tanner and spike my hair but, alas, there is always next time.
