As I write this, it is appropriate that I have just awoken from a slightly unpleasant Tylenol PM-induced afternoon coma. Not the best way to fight a flu. But then Miss Tammy Faye Starlite is no stranger to chemical recklessness herself, a fact made evident on "God’s a Hard Habit To Break," her song about trading drugs for Jesus.
That track can be found on the 1999 EP On My Knees, a merciless sendup of country music, Christian fundamentalism and anything else that might be fodder for sacrilege. Self-proclaimed "Musicianaries," Tammy and her band the Angels of Mercy tour the country "converting" her Jewish fans to the way of Christ in between playing blessful favorites like "If You’re Comin’ Down Sweet Jesus (Won’t You Come All Over Me)" and the weary woman’s anthem "Did I Shave My Vagina For This?"
It was always clear that Tammy loved the country music she so joyfully mocked. And on her upcoming full-length, Used Country Female (no label), she’s finally pulled her tongue out of her cheek. The satire of the EP is mixed in with several soulful, sincere country-blues allegories of women (usually biblical) gone astray.
Why do I always get so drunk at your shows?
Well, perhaps it’s because the spirit of Jesus is pouring into you. It’s like a liquor and it makes you excited and it lubricates your loins and your brain. And it’s the sensation of being drunk without the actual sin.
So the seven pints of Sierra Nevada have nothing to do with it?
No, not at all.
You’ve conquered all of your vices, right?
Oh yes. I was addicted, as you probably know, to several things. Demerol, Percocet, Dexedrine, morphine, Vicodin, just like Mr. Matthew Perry, who I’m a big fan of. Big fan of Mr. Perry. (She sips her tea.)
A little bit of ether. Um, St. John’s wort. Which isn’t a wart at all. I did not receive any warts from that, it made me very happy. But not as happy as special K. Love special K. Because it’s got vitamins and minerals.
You say that in the present tense. "Love special K."
Yes, because now it’s prescribed to me. Like I have ecstasy prescribed. By a real doctor.
You would like for all who hear you to take Jesus inside themselves. You don’t want to keep him all to yourself?
No, I love to share, because I know he loves me the best of all.
Would you share him with Amy Grant?
As I’ve often said, Amy Grant, bless her heart, is a motherfuckin’ cunt bitch. And she also has a big hairy bush, like her curly hair. And Jesus likes it when you’re clean-shaven and smooth, smooth as velour, which I believe is the richest fabric.
Would Jesus turn her away?
Oh yes. Oh yes. Because she stinks down there. She smells like, I hate to say it but it’s the truth, she smells like 9/11.
When you front your Rolling Stones cover band, the Mike Hunt Band, you’re Mick Jagger. Do you find something in Mick Jagger’s lyrics that maybe echoes in your mission?
Most definitely. The Mick Jagger lyrics that I feel are most closely associated with my mission and that I feel a real affinity toward are from the song "When the Whip Comes Down." And the line is, "When the shit hits the fan I’ll be sittin’ on the can/When the whip comes down." I feel that that lyric exemplifies my mission even more than the Ten Commandments.
Many of your songs speak to the plight of womanhood, much like your namesake, Miss Wynette. Is womanhood a curse?
Well, as I frequently say in my shows, the Christian chain of command as you know is God, Man, Dog and then Woman on the bottom. Which is where a woman should be.
You go into great detail about the relationship a woman can have with the Lord, and it sounds quite pleasurable. What does Jesus have to offer a boy like me?
Oh, well, boys have holes too.
But your "Jim Rob Song" says to stay away from that kind of relationship between men. But with Jesus?
With him it’s okay. It’s the way I view Christianity and why I love Christianity so much. Basically you can believe what you want to believe at the moment when you believe it. It’s as though if you say your sweater has blue stripes and I say, "No, those stripes are pink." I’m right, because I’m Christian. Regardless of what you see and perceive and what the rest of the world sees and perceives. And that’s the Christian Science way.
Are you more at peace than when we last heard from you?
I think so. A little bit more. Perhaps it’s like when you’re a hang-glider. When they’re kind of soaring through the air, and then they’re at peace enough to fall.
If you’re not afraid to fall, do you feel like someone’s gonna catch you?
Mm-hmm. He’s got big, strong, white arms. ’Cause Jesus was a white man. And anybody who tells you differently you just laugh in their face and say, "Please. Would God have made his son in a shade that wasn’t pure? Would God have made his son so that he does not look like milk?"
You want me to say that?
[Laughs] I’d love for you to say that.
Can we expect anything different from your shows now that you feel this peace?
I think I’ll bring back the glitter. I was a little less glittery in 2001 because I did feel that something was going to happen. That the Apocalypse was going to occur. Which it obviously did. But not on 9/11. The acme of the Apocalypse was the Britney Spears HBO special. I think we all knew the Apocalypse was coming this year because this was definitely Britney’s year, and if you didn’t know this, "Britney Spears" is an anagram for "Presbyterians." It works out exactly.
Your cover of Cheap Trick’s "Surrender" might be your masterpiece. You revised the lyrics, and now it’s just about a little girl who realized when Mommy said pray, she was right.
Yes. And that’s the beauty of it. Just listen to your parents. And I think that was the original intention of Mr. Nielsen when he wrote it. You know, as one of the commandments says, I can’t remember which one, listen to your father and mother and let them have their ways with you. Incest has become such a pejorative term these days and I really think that does the act a disservice. Because the act itself is a service. And children should just listen to the reasons why their parents want to sleep with them. And maybe then they’ll open up their minds, and open up their minds to Christ through that. And I do have to credit my musicians with the sound, and my producer. They are very wonderful and I am very lubricated thinking about them.
What delubricates Tammy Faye Starlite?
Jews.
Miss Tammy Faye Starlite and the Angels of Mercy play Friday, March 22, at Lakeside Lounge, 162 Ave. B (betw. 10th & 11th Sts.), 529-8463.
