INCH AND A HALF OF NO. 9 SHOT There was tough competition for writing the lamest article on the 10th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. Consider the fine attempt from the Associated Press' Gene Johnson, whose ludicrous April 1 report cited "the persistent gray drizzle of the Washington coast" while claiming that Cobain's songwriting "became more polished with [Courtney] Love's
collaboration."

To enjoy a truly bad Cobain tribute, though, you must turn to the kids who really care about the music. Specifically, a place such as the website ToneAndGroove (toneandgroove
.com). It's the kind of web publication that lists a cat among the editorial staff—"He's got plenty of cattitude"—and complains about a band with a "sexist bio."

The recent edition also has writer West Anthony reminiscing about sitting on a couch with a "not yet famous" Kurt, eating fried chicken and watching a tape of Spike & Mike's Festival of Animation.

He reminisces about this for more than 1750 words.

Don't worry about that word count being broken up by anything interesting, either. In fact, I'll spoil the big climax by quoting the meaningful final paragraphs:

You're going to be reading and hearing and seeing a lot in these next few weeks about Kurt Cobain the rock star, the phenomenon, the icon.

But there's a man in there, too. A man who sat on a couch and ate fried chicken and watched cartoons.

I really thought you should know that.

Yep, that's the whole point of the article. We're supposed to feel the significance of a friend of Kurt's friend sitting down to watch a video with the not-yet-dead lead singer of Nirvana. Here's a sentence that sums up the excitement of the experience:

[Kurt] was not necessarily shy, but he was quiet, and seemed at all times as though he would really like to go away somewhere and take a nap.

Hey, Kurt had cattitude!

The dull article still manages to be offensive, though. For one thing, West Anthony believes that he was given special insight into Kurt's tortured existence. "Remember when Kurt was hospitalized in Europe," Anthony asks, "after having 'accidentally overdosed' on prescription medication?"

See, Anthony was actually skeptical of that claim—just like everyone else who saw the reports on MTV, but they weren't there at the beginning, man! And now, Anthony is very saddened to see all these recent magazines with Cobain on the cover. As he puts it, "the vultures had returned to feed."

The people who wrote those articles are probably creeps, but I don't think they're the vultures Kurt was trying to dodge when he loaded that shotgun 10 years ago. I'd say he was a lot more worried about becoming fodder for coat-tailing douchebags on the level of, say, West Anthony.