My wife and I recently went our separate ways. This is the second time we split. She jumped the bus to South Jersey, and I am staying in New York. When she first got there, she wouldn't let me know where she was.

After a few days, she called saying, "I'm moving on," and, "I can do better than you." But then, like two days later, she begged me to take her back and I couldn't figure out why. Then I found out it was because the guy she was living with left her to be with his on-again/off-again girlfriend.

I spoke to this guy and his girlfriend, and the woman confessed that they were in a threesome sex frenzy when my wife first got down there, but now she doesn't talk to them and is staying with another couple who lives down the street from them.

She knows we aren't getting back together, but we agreed to be friends. The truth is, I still have feelings for her. I haven't told her this. I don't know what to do. I feel like stalking my wife to see if she's having a threesome with this latest couple.

It's hard to move on because we have a three-year history together. When we were homeless she stood by my side.

I'm writing this on our three-year anniversary. I really feel like stalking her to see what she is up to. I don't know where she is, but I'm certain I could find her. I'm trying to get a second job to keep my mind off her. I hope that will work.

The first time we broke up was because she accused me of having sex with her mother. (I never did.) We split this time because she was lazy and didn't want to do anything for me and was still always accusing me of cheating, but I had nobody to cheat on her with!

What should I do?

—Stan

I know what you're thinking, Stan—nothing says "I love you" like a restraining order. But being a sensible lady, I'm going to have to ask you to disembark offa this whole stalking train of thought you're riding. True, having a man who'll skulk around outside your house for hours on end and has no qualms about bravely scoffing in the face of caller ID by placing myriad late-night phone calls, will turn a gal's head. But perhaps not in the way you're hoping.

Frankly, Stan, your wife sounds a little nutty. First she accuses you of sleeping with her mom (!!), then she runs off and finds not one, but two couples willing to make her their bitch!

Why would you want her back? Sure, she slept in the refrigerator box next to yours back when you were homeless, but those days are over. You have an apartment and a job (maybe two!) now. It doesn't sound like you much liked her anyway—the only reason you cite for not cheating was lack of available tail. (Did her mom move to Miami?)

My answer to you is to leave her to her new, wholly non-glamorous, polyamorous life on the Jersey shore and find yourself a new girlie.

Why is it that every time I read an article about internet dating, it's written by a woman? There ought to be some by men, if only because that would give readers a very different perspective on the matter. Simply put, the demography of internet dating, the very thing that makes it such a hoot for the adventurous woman, makes it a depressing slog through the muck for men.

This is a two-fold problem for men. First off, there must be between three and eight times as many ads from men as there are from women. Second, men answer personal ads; women only rarely bother. And why should they, when they can sit back and let the responses roll in? The internet turns even the plainest of women into the belle of the ball, thus giving many women a very unrealistic opinion of their charms.

My experience has been that in real life—off the net—I have a much better chance of getting a pretty woman interested in me than I do if I first meet her via the web. Even in a bar, the ratio of men to women is much more favorable than it is on Nerve or Lavalife. What makes the internet great for women makes it a terrible choice for men.

—Ken

Well, Ken, your numbers (three to eight dudes for every dame) seemed a little off, so I did a little (very little!) research into the matter. I phoned Spring Street Networks—the peeps responsible for personals on Nerve, Salon and a bunch of other outlets—and asked them about their demographics.

"We actually tend to have an above-industry average at two to one," explained media liaison Alex Michas. That's twice as many men as women, but Alex also added that their women spend as much—if not more—money as the men. So, sorry, Ken, they're answering ads; they're just not answering yours. Which is not to say you're deficient; maybe you just don't photograph well, or your thinly veiled hostility toward women comes across in your ad. I would have a clever friend critique your personal.

And yes, it's true, even an okay-looking broad gets a lot of responses, but you have no idea the number of freaks, lowlifes and losers we have to sift through. I know you'll find this hard to fathom, but having an obese, toothless 60-year-old borderline-retard write and tell you that you've got nice titties isn't exactly flattering. Which is why a lot of women hide their ads, responding only to men they're interested in.

See, I've always been positive that men had it much easier than women. I guess it all depends on your vantage point. The fact is, dating can be a depressing slog through the muck for everyone, regardless of which gender you're banging. o