Did the second episode of My Antonio really premiere at noon on a Sunday, or was the whole surreal hour just a weird mirage brought on by the heat?

A quick recap: crazy girls, scantily-clad Antonio looking for love, Dynasty mother, Antonio’s ex-wife, Tully, suddenly showing up. Got it. But now it seems that Tully has decided to join the cast, beginning with moving in with the girls. She’s hilariously grilled by Jennifer, who reveals a down-to-earth humor that is very, very welcome in this episode. Jennifer remains convinced that Tully is either a spy sent in by Antonio or his sister. It’s not hard to understand where Jennifer’s coming from; Tully, a good decade older than Antonio, is looking rough. She’s also wearing a Chicago “He had it coming” T-shirt during her confessionals. I wonder how much she’s getting paid for the show.

Just when you thought that Tully would be the craziest bitch in the joint, Jennifer makes the mistake of offering Sarah a one of her cream-cheese-covered waffles. Sarah (whom you may remember spent most of the first episode either in tears or running away from Antonio in tears), immediately starts freaking out, screaming at the girls to leave her alone. Apparently, she’s convinced that waffles and cream cheese equals the other girls trying to fuck with her.

But instead of crying herself to sleep like a toddler, she keens in her bed, whimpering that she wants to go home. Julann (the blonde in the blue dress in the picture above), who freaked out last week about the possibility of her clothes being destroyed, tries to comfort her by telling her she seems like an unhappy person. Between heaving sobs, Sarah finds the strength to tell off Julann for having the nerve to presume she’s unhappy just because she’s spent the last hour or two covered in tears and mucus, before storming out of the bedroom, muttering “Russian cunt.” And with that magnificent exit line, Sarah is gone. For good? Who the hell knows with this show.

Anyway, the next morning Antonio is upset that Sarah just disappeared in the middle of the night, and Julann is upset that Antonio isn’t more upset that Sarah called her a cunt. After he confronts Tully about why she’s there (she claims to want to give their marriage another shot, after almost 20 years of divorce) and agrees to let her join the rest of the girls in competition, Antonio makes the mistake of trying to convince Julann not to leave.

Sitting together outside, Julann repeatedly tells Antonio to focus on the mentally healthy girls, because their mental health depends on him. Or something. Honestly, I’m so distracted by her bizarre face and weird speech pattern that I can’t focus on what she’s saying. But even after Julann deigns to stay (after practically making Antonio beg her) and then flaunts her “alone time” with Antonio to the other girls—a hotly contested commodity—she doesn’t go along with the group hypnosis Antonio has planned because she’s afraid of being “possessed.”

Okay, well, yes. Group hypnosis? Antonio claims that he wants to see which of the girls will open up, but it’s clearly just an excuse to get whatever girls might have a semblance of dignity left at this point to lose it. Tully and Miranda (who narrowly missed elimination last week) are hypnotized into forgetting their boring fight from earlier; Autumn, a NASA researcher, makes up Italian words to interview Antonio; and Tania does the same thing, except she just repeats Italian foods and rubs herself against Antonio. He confesses later that he liked her “tiramisu.”

Then before you know it, everyone’s sitting down for their nightly awkward dinner with Antonio and his mother Yvonne (looking positively orange), who immediately perks up at Julann’s refusal to participate in the hypnosis. Antonio has clearly baited her, but it’s still fun to watch her go after such a self-righteous bitch for not playing along. Before things can get too heated, though, the waiters bring out the covered dishes for “Just Desserts” and we discover that Julann and Jessica (a student/bartender who spent most of the episode complaining about not getting the chance to talk to Antonio) are left without leis. Tully is moved to tears at Antonio’s acceptance of her, but we know better. Julann needs to go far more than Tully. And after some crazy talk about Antonio needing to leave behind the wounded birds, that’s exactly what she does. “Julann,” Antonio intones, “you’re not gonna get lei’d tonight.”

So Julann flounces off, back to her kids presumably, while she grumbles about Antonio not caring about healthy people. Then everyone heads back to the apartment (is it an apartment or a fancy hotel suite? I’m not clear)—except for Tully. Tully has been asked by Yvonne to remain behind for a little girl talk. Bum bum bum. That’s next week’s episode. And as awful as Tully is, I wouldn’t wish one-on-one time with Yvonne on anyone. Well, maybe Julann. I really hated her.

Next week… Yvonne and Tully go head-to-head. Will the show air during the middle of the day again, or at its original 10pm time slot? Who knows!

Photo courtesy of VH1.