Tully doesn’t waste any time in this episode of My Antonio: her crazy picks up right where it left off last week, when she dazzled Antonio with the word “love.” Hanging out at the Hilton, she starts sucking on Antonio’s hand in front of all the other girls. First of all, ew. Second of all, everyone in this scene seems drunk. Did they ever get the dinner Antonio made them skip so he could dramatically give the least dramatic girl her just desserts? It sure doesn’t seem like it when Jennifer pulls him out to the balcony and gets in his face about Tully’s grossness and her own impatience at just being one of the girls in the group for Antonio.

Tully, of course, follows them out to the balcony, telling Jennifer it’s not a date. Not that it matters, since that has never stopped Tully before. Even when the date is in the middle of the ocean.

After Jennifer and Tully’s set-to, Antonio has to leave. The “negative vibes” are getting to him. Who knew he was so sensitive? Of course, this turns out to be foreshadowing for a truly whacked-out dinner, but we’ll get to that in a bit.

The next morning, all the girls show up in bikinis for their competition, and it must be said: Jennifer doesn’t look so hot in her tiny black bikini, looking a little like a female bodybuilder. I love Jennifer for cutting through the bullshit of this show’s conceit, but I’m pretty sure she’s signed her death warrant by coming across too strongly with Antonio. This is a man, after all, who just let his ex-wife suck his hand without complaining, then offered Jennifer his other hand.

The competition turns out to be another exercise in touching Antonio’s heart, this time using their “amazing bodies” to tell a story via hula. Unfortunately, hula is fairly difficult, and these girls are none too bright. “I want to be naughty!” Christi chirps to one of their instructors. And Tully wants to know how to use her “amazing body” to say “You Batman. Me Catwoman.” Brooke, the only real person on the show, is just excited to learn something new. I want better for her.

The competition is typically embarrassing, with Antonio sitting on a wicker throne as the girls dance for him. Jessica is unsurprisingly good, being a professional dancer, and Brooke wows everyone with a great performance. Christi forgets what she wants to say with her body and starts telling Antonio. Jennifer loses it and practically gives Antonio a lapdance (he’s not pleased; she should have gone for his hand); and Tully, as one of the girls cattily points out, is “getting a little pathetic” as she falls down to her knees in front of Antonio, begging for another chance. Tania and Autumn (who still hasn’t had any alone time with Antonio) aren’t even shown.

To no one’s surprise, Antonio chooses Brooke and Jessica for dates. Tully sniffs that Antonio clearly isn’t ready for one-on-one time with her. Honey, none of us are. And then Brooke and Antonio ditch the other girls and run for a helicopter, which is a terrible first date. Both of them have to scream into a microphone to be heard, and then the pilot tells them he can’t land. Nope, they’ll have to jump. “I never pass up a chance to do something crazy,” Antonio says, somewhat redundantly for a man looking for love on VH1. But Brooke is a trouper and jumps, still in her grass skirt.

They swim to a cove, where a romantic picnic is waiting for them. Why they couldn’t have taken the same route the caterers used, I don’t know, but I’m happy that Brooke didn’t freak out. I have to have someone to root for here. Even if she hates prosciutto. Antonio acts on the insane chemistry between the two of them and kisses her. It isn’t quite the dry humping that Antonio and Christi indulged in on their date, but then Brooke isn’t that kind of girl.

Back at the Hilton, Antonio goes to look for Tully to talk to her one-on-one. Again. Why doesn’t anyone point out that Antonio spends an awful lot of time trying to give Tully a chance? She’s clearly not worth it, and Yvonne certainly wouldn’t like it. Their conversation is tedious, at best, as Tully apologizes for being selfish and incapable of love during their marriage. Their marriage that lasted a year. Twenty years ago.

Jennifer and Christi are spying on them, of course. Christi is fulfilling her promise to get rid of Tully she made to Yvonne, and Jennifer’s just nosy. At one point, the camera cuts to an arm in a long-sleeved blue shirt smoking a cigarette. Antonio comes back in and confronts the girls about smoking, forcing Jennifer, Christi and Jessica to confess that they smoke. “Only when I drink,” they all hasten to add. But the weird thing is, no one is wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt. Anyway, Antonio is not at all happy that there are smokers among him. How will he force his ladies to climb mountains and, I don’t know, explore dormant volcanoes if they’re puffing on a cigarette?

Before he can leave, Jennifer pulls him aside again to talk about wanting some time with him at a waterfall. Antonio keeps harping on the walls she has up, which seems slightly unfair. She is clearly uncomfortable expressing emotion, and doing so in front of a bunch of catty women must be making it harder for her. But then, the rest of these women have no trouble telling a man they barely know that they want to spend the rest of their lives with him. Jennifer is clearly on the wrong show.

The next day, Antonio and Jessica spend their date playing with dolphins. They seem to be having fun, but it’s possibly the dullest date I’ve ever had to sit through—and I once went on a first date to Tower Records. Luckily, their date is interrupted by a visit to the Hilton from Yvonne, wearing a billowing sack dress and another oversized hat. I wonder what she does all day? I picture her sitting in a darkened hotel room, accepting gifts from nervous Italians begging to win her favor.

Anyway, Yvonne just wants to check in on Christi’s progress, and though she doesn’t say anything, she’s clearly not happy that Christi has nothing to tell her. What will Antonio think when he eventually watches this? Antonio or VH1 producers, please have Antonio contact me! You can reach me in the comments here. Thanks!

Christi vows to try harder, and she and Yvonne awkwardly hug. “I already thought Yvonne and I had a bond,” Christi smirks. “And I get to tattle a bit!” Then we’re back to Antonio and Jessica’s date, which is now in a hot tub. Why are hot tubs so mandatory on these shows? Even worse, Jessica turns kittenish, and tells Antonio “I have a lot of emotions for you. The crush ones.” Antonio seems to appreciate this, and kisses her. Tania must be dying a little, officially the only date Antonio has had who didn’t get kissed.

Things pick up when Christi snuggles up with Tully in a chaise back at the Hilton, waving Autumn off so they can chitchat. And let me be clear: Tully deserves whatever she gets for being too stupid to realize that the woman whose date she almost ruined two days has ulterior motives in asking personal questions.

In short order, Christi discovers that Tully’s son is at her mother’s (where she lives), and she doesn’t have a job. Which actually brings up an interesting question: Tully’s here because she doesn’t have a job, but Autmn is a NASA researcher. How did she get time off to spend weeks looking for love on a VH1 reality show?

Then it’s time for dinner, where Antonio hints that maybe there won’t be any dessert! God, I hope there will be. The only person on this show I’d mind seeing the back of is Brooke. During dinner, Antonio starts asking questions. Is the young Jessica ready for a mature relationship? She deflects the question nicely, saying she’d think he was crazy if he wasn’t worried about her age, and tossing in that she really wants kids. Good, because Antonio has two. Not that he ever mentions them. Miranda is asked how they can forge a deeper connection, which is just infuriating. How do they have any connection at all? They haven’t spent any significant amount of time together since Antonio almost gave her the boot in the first episode. After admonishing her to win a challenge so they could spend more time together (great idea, Antonio!) it’s Jennifer’s turn. And boy, she’s already defensive. Antonio can barely get three words out of his mouth before she starts bristling. And then, when she coughs, he tells her to quit smoking.

“Shut your face, I’m not smoking,” she says, not unkindly. And things get worse from there. Jennifer actually says what everyone rational woman would be saying, which is that she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with Antonio right now because she barely knows him. Antonio seems perplexed and increasingly angry. And why shouldn’t he? These other girls are writing him gushing mash notes about having a crush on him since their adolescence. Then Jennifer says “fuck” in front of Yvonne, and Antonio is furious. Apparently, Yvonne (who closes her eyes in dismay) can connive to destroy one of the girls, but cannot hear cursing. Antonio and Jennifer quickly reach a standoff that ends when Jennifer storms off. As she is swept away in the Ciao Bella boat, she snarls for a cigarette. Bye Jennifer!

Antonio, meanwhile, is so shocked and dismayed by such unladylike behavior that he just can’t even talk. So he and Yvonne get up and leave the girls sitting at the table. All of them quickly start saying things like, “Antonio didn’t deserve that!” What? He didn’t deserve someone getting fed up with a man who keeps talking about breaking down walls and then loses his temper about smoking? Not a good recipe for heart-to-hearts. But Christi? She. Is. Not. Having. It.

“Be strong,” she slurs, shifting awkwardly in her seat. “And what if I don’t want to be strong!” The other girls start looking alarmed as VH1 does some trick editing to make it seem as if Christi just chugged a whole glass of wine. “I’m cold! And I want to go home!” Brooke comes over and puts her wrap around Christi’s shoulder, earning a drunken leer. Then she starts screaming about how Antonio didn’t like Jennifer walking out, but he did the same thing to her. “And the rest of you, too,” she adds as an afterthought. She’s really a mess, hiking her bare foot up on the table, shoving dishes away from her, yelling into the Hawaiian night. All of this is totally out of the blue, too. And why did she get so drunk in front of Antonio and Yvonne? I can’t imagine that’s a good idea.

“Christi!” Miranda snaps. “Compose yourself!” And oh boy, Christi does not like that. Because as the episode ends with Miranda saying off-screen “It’s embarrassing to be sitting at this table right now,” the preview for next week starts off with Christi running through the hotel room, screaming that she’s gonna punch “that fucking bitch” as she pulls her tube top off. I don’t know if those two things are connected, but here’s hoping. Also, Antonio drops trou for the girls next week, which will probably just elicit yawns from Tully. Nothing she hasn’t seen before.

Photo courtesy of VH1.