After a two week wait, My Antonio returned to VH1 yesterday and wasted no time. We pick up immediately after that last disastrous dinner, when Jennifer stormed off and Antonio was so shocked and upset that he and Yvonne ditched the girls, leaving behind a drunk and fuming Christi.

Back at the Hilton, Christi is still drunk, and Miranda can’t figure out how to work the oven. Christi fires up the oven (even drunk she has more life skills than Miranda), then confronts her for having the audacity to say, “Compose yourself!” Miranda calmly explains that she was trying to help Christi not embarrass herself on TV (er, too late?). Christi claims she’s not drunk. If Christi put her bare feet on the dinner table sober, then she has bigger problems than appearing drunk on a VH1 reality show. Miranda, appalled at such blatant lying, snaps, “You’re a sloppy drunk! You are drunk!”

Christi doesn’t care for this.

“She has no compassion!” Christi screams to the other girls. “None!” Then she struggles out of her tube top to strip off her mic, before loudly claiming she’s gonna punch Miranda. Miranda, still at work in the kitchen, ignores her. Eventually Brooke calms Christi down by telling her she’s a classy lady who’s going to act like one. Christi gives her a sloppy kiss on the cheek, and heads off. To pass out classily, one assumes.

The next morning, Antonio arrives with gift baskets for the ladies, which include sarongs and gold necklaces spelling out their names. Elegant! We then indulge Antonio in his increasingly dominating behavior by having the girls play “Tony Says.” Which is exactly like Simon Says, but led by Antonio. Miranda is immediately out, prompting her to pissily explain that she’s not a morning person. Christi stays in far longer than she should, considering that she doesn’t actually know how the game works. And, despite some earnest talk in confession about needing to win a date with Antonio, Autumn loses, too. Eventually, it’s down to Tully and Brooke. Tully complains in confessional that she hasn’t gotten a date with Antonio yet, and I actually start screaming at my television, “WHAT? You have had multiple long talks with Antonio! And you interrupted his date with Christi for one of them!”

Needless to say, Tully wins by grunting. Literally. Antonio says, “Tony says, grunt.” And though she claims Christi is a classy lady, it’s Brooke who’s too classy to jog in place, punching the air, while grunting. Naturally, Tully has no problem doing it. So Tully gets alone time with Antonio in the hammock outside, while the rest of the girls peer out the windows to spy.

And I still can’t wrap my head around this, but Autumn actually tells Tully after Antonio leaves that the other girls were spying. First of all, Autumn, keep your mouth shut. Why are you trying to get on Tully’s good side? Second of all, Tully actually complains (I need to switch to all caps now to better convey my shock and fury) THAT SHE DIDN’T GET ANY PRIVACY ON HER DATE WITH ANTONIO. THIS, FROM A WOMAN WHO JUMPED ON A JET SKI TO INTERRUPT SOMEONE ELSE’S DATE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!”

Whew. Anyway, Tania overhears Autumn tattling, and loses no time in telling the other girls. I’ve never really had a reason to dislike Autumn before, but I certainly do now. And everyone’s nerves are clearly frayed, because tempers are flaring all over the place.

The next day, Miranda discovers that she’s been bitten by something on the back of her neck. Brooke (a nurse) pops it, and then says it doesn’t look good, so Miranda heads to the doctor. You have no idea the fallout this doctor’s visit will cause later.

The rest of the girls meet Antonio for another competition—sculpting him nude. I must say, he’s charmingly embarrassed at lying with his junk hanging out in front of these girls. That doesn’t quite excuse the fact that he did it, but it mitigates it slightly. Also, what is with Antonio's weird chest rash?

After closely examining all the sculptures with an artist friend (who ludicrously comments on the “form” and “attention to detail” of these fifth-grade works), Antonio skips Tully’s x-rated version, and chooses Autumn and Christi. But they won’t get separate dates. They’ll have to share him. Is this a teaser for My Antonio 2: The Threesome Search?

The day ends with everyone meeting at the Hilton disco for dancing and drinks and fun—except Miranda, who says she still feels woozy from her bite. The other girls are sympathetic, but a little impatient to get out of the hotel and have fun. Of course, “fun” involves grinding against Antonio and drinking too much. At one point, Yvonne appears and beckons Christi for a word about Tully. And Christi gleefully (and tipsily) tells her that she’s convinced the jobless Tully is after Antonio’s money.

Back on the dance floor, Tully is shameless in monopolizing Antonio, practically shoving Christi away after Christi returns from Yvonne. Christi turns out to be a quick learner, because instead of later acquiescing to Autumn’s plea to dance with Antonio, she snaps, “I’ve had him for a minute!”

Autumn just burns her up! She bitches about her to Tania, who you may remember as the one who tattled about Autumn tattling to Tully. Later, when Antonio asks Autumn and Christi how they feel about each other and Christi says she loves Autumn, Tania has had enough. “You’re such a liar!” she shrieks on the middle of the dance floor. And in front of Antonio, they get into it. To be fair to Christi, she may dislike Autumn, but that’s no reason to be a bitch to her when they all live in such close quarters. And it’s certainly not as if Tania is besties with Autumn.

Alas, the cat fights aren’t over yet. Back at the Hilton, Tania shuts the sliding glass door to the patio in Christi’s face. And Tully tells Jessica that Antonio can’t walk red carpets with a 21-year-old who says, “I’m down with that.” Jessica, bless her heart, tries be withering by saying, “You still live with your parents! How old are you?” But like a nun married to God, Tully has complete faith in her bond with Antonio and won’t listen. Jessica should have said that Antonio would be doing himself a disservice by appearing in public with a desiccated former model, but she probably doesn’t know what desiccated means. And oh yeah, I went there. Anyway, Jessica storms out and Brooke weirdly feeds Tully a piece of cake. Brooke, I’m disappointed in you!

The three-way date the next day goes about how you’d expect. They’re all on a boat again, and Christi is all over Antonio, who clearly wants to be all over her, but doesn’t want to be rude to Autumn. So Christi, who does sometimes act like a classy lady, goes off to the other end of the boat so Autumn can have her much desired alone time with Dimples. She doesn’t waste any time either, immediately asking Antonio all of her pressing questions, like “What do you think about me?” and “What do you think about me going to college?” Antonio is unimpressed with Autumn’s booksmarts, outshined as they are by Christi’s tits. Er, “street smarts.”

Christi finally gets her alone time with Antonio, cuddling up next to him. And just as they go in for a kiss, Autumn reappears. Autumn, who had been spying on the two of them (I’m telling!). When Antonio goes to the bathroom, Christi snaps, “Thanks for ruining my kiss!” “Oh, I thought you already had one,” Autumn murmurs. What a dreadful girl. I hope all her NASA co-workers are watching.

At the Hilton, meanwhile, the girls are sunbathing and gossiping. Tania claims to not see a connection between Autumn and Antonio, which Miranda agrees with. And they dish about Christi’s drunken misbehaving, wishing aloud that Antonio could see that side of her. Then Tania asks Miranda how she feels about dinner that night, since she missed out on the sculpture challenge and the disco party. Miranda seems resigned either way.

Dinner is glanced over, and then Antonio intones, “Uncover your just desserts.” And oh, that card! There are actually desserts on those dishes tonight, instead of leis! The girls are all giggly-relived, until Antonio starts firing questions at them. Autumn claims a perfect date with him would involve more conversation. “Is that all?” Antonio asks with a smirk. Autumn is nonplussed and doesn’t say anything. Christi gets grilled about her post-disco behavior, which flusters her. And Miranda claims, under interrogation, that the doctor prescribed a nap and Vicodin for her spider bite. The girls roll their eyes, and Yvonne is amused. “What would happen if you were bit by something really serious?” she asks with feigned wide-eyed awe. “Like what?” Miranda stupidly asks. “Ooh, I don’t know!” And then Yvonne goes in for the kill. “A bee?” What a horrible dinner guest she would make.

Then weirdly, Antonio asks Jessica to take a walk. Away from the table, he asks about her encounter with Tully the night before. Jessica, instead of calmly explaining what happened, calls Tully “a natural bitch” and says she’s selfish. Antonio clearly doesn’t like mean words, and tells Jessica she’s out. So she has to walk back to the dinner table and say goodbye. While I didn’t care for Jessica, I’m once again enraged that Antonio has kept the troublemaking Tully in the running towards becoming America’s next Mrs. Sabato, Jr. Especially since he finally revealed to the girls that he knows what happens at The Hilton when he’s not there.

Next week, the girls have to act out a soap scene with Antonio. Isn’t that what we’ve been watching for the last six weeks?


Photo courtesy of VH1.