My Antonio opens with the same dinner that ended the last episode last week, when Antonio dragged Jessica into the bushes to say goodbye. Now he explains to the girls that since he is a “working actor,” their challenge the next morning will be to perform soap opera scenes with him in pairs. This is actually the first challenge that doesn’t feel arbitrary—hula dancing anyone?

Antonio shows great delight in pairing the girls up, starting with Autumn and Christi, who had that little flare-up on their shared date last week. Tania and Brooke get a scene called “In Bed,” and Tully and Miranda will appear together in “The Divorce.” Nicely done, Dimples.

Some of the girls are more excited than others. Tully claims to be completely dependent upon Miranda for guidance, and Christi says that she’s more comfortable taking off her clothes for Playboy than acting like a different person. Well, she paid enough for those breasts; she might as well earn that money back.

After some half-hearted scenes of the girls rehearsing (which reminds me of the Cover Girl commercial episodes of America’s Next Top Model), everyone heads over to the soap opera set that Antonio has had built to film their scenes. And surprise! These girls are actually pretty good! Granted, these are soap scenes, so all they have to do is either cry or act like a bitch and they’ve had weeks of rehearsal for those two emotions at this point, but they all remember their lines! Of course, everyone watching the scenes from the green room has plenty to say. Christi thinks Brooke is a terrible actress and flat-chested, then shows the girls how she’d make out with Antonio if she were playing Brooke’s role. Weirdly, she seems to think that making out is like slurp-eating a peach. Tully hates how fake Christi looks, and claims Antonio doesn’t need that on his hands. And Brooke shows a welcome snide streak when she complains that Autumn has more in common with Antonio’s teenage son than with Antonio himself.

The scenes go well, although there’s some minor drama as Miranda starts complaining about all the makeup she left behind. And she definitely doesn’t like it when Brooke blithely wishes her good luck. “You say ‘break a leg’!” she gasps, as she heads to the set. Brooke just laughs and laughs.

That evening, Antonio hosts the premiere on the lawn, with the scenes playing on a gigantic screen. There’s a bunch of people sitting behind the girls and Antonio—tourists collected from the Hilton? Can you imagine being on vacation and being invited to participate in this train wreck?

After an audience vote, Antonio announces the winner of the competition. Another tie! This time with Tania and Miranda. This will be Miranda’s first date with Antonio, and she’s extremely excited. It’s hard not to feel happy for her after seeing Antonio go on dates with girls and then kick them off.

After the screening, Antonio heads over to the Hilton to congratulate the girls. But before he can talk to anyone, Tully corners him for her daily sobfest about not getting any time with him. And when Brooke overhears Tully tell Antonio that none of these girls are for him and he might as well scratch it and start over, the girls are furious. Brooke claims that Tully is now officially desperate. Autumn tries to defend Tully by saying that maybe she just really wanted to win the competition. Well, yes, Autumn, way to show off that NASA brain. It’s a competition! EVERYONE wanted to win. But Antonio claims in confessional that he’s seen bits and pieces of the new Tully over the weeks, and he likes her. Whatever.

The next morning, Antonio takes Miranda up on a helicopter for their first date. Unlike Brooke, Miranda doesn’t have to jump out of it into the ocean, which is all for the best. She’d probably refuse because her hair would get wet. But like so many of Antonio’s dates, there’s a good news, bad news quality to this one. Good news? Miranda got her first date! Bad news? The date involves taking a zip line. Needless to say, Miranda doesn’t handle this well, actually openly weeping at the prospect of zooming over nothingness to meet Antonio on the other side. But she does it, even if she immediately starts worrying about her mascara after she lands.

Surprisingly, Antonio seems to really enjoy his date with Miranda, despite her tendency towards needless, petty drama and incessant whining. His date with Tania, however, not so much. They start off riding in the open back of a Hummer, which drives hell for leather over bumpy terrain. But as they nibble on food later, Tania suddenly turns aggressive, demanding to know why Antonio didn’t kiss her on their date and proudly saying, “I know I’m special. That’s why I’m single.” Uh, really? Anyway, Antonio is definitely put off by this new pushiness, although it does succeed in scoring Tania her first Antonio kiss.

And bam! Time for dinner already, only forty minutes into this episode (installment?). Antonio intones that the theme of this dinner will be honesty. And since Tully already told him who she thinks should go home (everyone), he’ll be asking the other girls who they think shouldn’t get lei’d. Miranda says Autumn, because she’s so young. The rest of the girls say Tully with no hesitation, except Tania, who also throws in Autumn. But when Tully tearfully starts babbling in defense of herself, Christi starts playing the violin with a knife, and Yvonne actually fake snores. And, no surprise here, Yvonne tells Antonio that Tully should go.

But when the leis come out, guess who has one? Tully, of course. If she doesn’t go soon, her continued presence on this show may give me an anger-induced stroke. But shockingly, Christi is joining Autumn on the chopping block! We should have known, since as everyone else was saying how nervous they feel every time the lei ceremony comes around, Christi was saying that she always feels confident in her connection to Antonio.

Before Antonio can even say anything, Christi demands an explanation for her presence in the bottom two. Antonio spews some garbage about sometimes feeling close to her and sometimes feeling far away, which almost makes sense. If he’d said she was a sloppy drunk, that would have made total sense. And though Autumn puts up a strong case for herself, saying, “I should stay so we can spend more time together!” she’s too young and dull to stick around. Goodbye, Autumn! And hello, drunk Christi, who complains back at the table that Antonio pushed aside her desire to be affectionate on her shared date with Autumn. “I didn’t want to be rude to Autumn,” Antonio explains. Again. “I don’t care,” Christi huffs, and turns away from him in her seat. “There’s a dark side to Christi,” Antonio says in confessional. Yes, Antonio. And that dark side is exactly why Yvonne chose Christi to be her Nancy Drew.

Next week, Brooke gets some one-on-one time with Yvonne, Tully accuses Brooke of being a fake, and Antonio officially loses his mind and literally makes the girls walk across fire to stay.

Photo courtesy of VH1.com.